why don't mild aspie call themselves nt

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EMTkid, I hope your new partner was kind and understanding when you asked about giraffe attacks. I said something similar before, I don't even remember what it was but I remember that the person looked at me dumbfounded wondering if I was from another planet. I laugh at it now because now I can actually say, "Actually yes I am, I am a proud member of the WP!"

billiscool, I know you are asking because you really want to know the answer and not to be insensitive. Not that your question is deeply personal, but I ask deeply personal questions to people all the time not realizing that they are embarrassing for people and I have to be reminded about sensitivity sometimes, I think that may be one of my Aspie traits, not always knowing the right social sensitivity thing. But I really believe that you mean no harm in asking so I just ask that those answering might try to understand that and answer with gentleness as well. Just my thought. Thanks.

Last edited by skibum on 02 Aug 2013, 10:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

the OP's question [which is my question] has not been answered- to reiterate: what is the magic sauce that the higher-functioning aspies here use to effortlessly snag mates? my suspected answer is body language fluency combined with macho confidence due to high levels of testosterone. IOW the higher functioning ones are alphas.

I was a total weirdo when my husband met and fell in love with me so I think it might have been Cupid's doing. He says he I am beautiful and that I have a really powerful mind. I can't seem to find it though. But you know what they say about those rose colored glasses!

I could never pass as nt,in fact,I do worst with people when I'd pretend to
be nt. when Im my real autism self,I do better. for some reason

is your husband nt,because at my level of autism,dating and marry nt,is nearly impossible,
even for semi-special autism women.most of them are not dating nt men.

if your husband is nt,that shows the difference between a mild aspie and
a more disable autism,the fact an nt person,see's you as a normal person.

the fact that you aspie have the ability to attract,date,and marry nt's
is something that 99% of us more disable autism would find nearly
impossible.

Last edited by billiscool on 02 Aug 2013, 10:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

^^^
i'm sure you do have a powerful mind.

Appearance, hygiene and grooming are a prerequisite.
Secondly the ability to communicate using both body language and verbal communication.
Thirdly the ability to simulate body language and delivery of spoken language in a manner that is able to hold a potential mate's attention
Fourth the ability to tap into common interests and hold a conversation comfortably
Finally the ability to convince the other party that you are interesting and attractive enough to meet again...

An important note is not to seek dates for the sake of looking for a life partner. Try and emphasize being a friend first.

I wonder what attracted iMother to iFather when iMother was telephone clerk and iFather was telephone repairman at bomb factory in boonies.

I am pretty sure he is but he is definitely not a typical NT. He is very very deep and he can see things in people that others overlook. He could see past my quirks and see the real person underneath. But I did not have other people like me. I was too weird. So no, I never could attract men, I only attracted one. That was it. Lucky for me he was the one I needed. But if you had lined me up in a line for dates like when you line up to pick teams for games, I would have never been chosen. I never dated. And I was always last to be chosen for games too. I am sure I would not have been chosen at all if the teachers weren't there.

My husband is truly unusual in the fact that he is able to handle my issues. And how he got me to the Alter, I am still not sure how that happened! I guess I was just a lucky girl! But if I had not met him I am sure I would not be married. I don't know if I would have ever dated either. And marriage is not easy. It is extremely difficult even for NT's but even moreso because of my issues. It is worth the effort, no doubt, but if God forbid, I ever lost my husband, I truly doubt I would ever marry again. But I was really blessed with an amazing guy and I can't believe he chose me.

But I do understand what you are saying about how HFA's may find it easier to get a mate. Perhaps there are some LFA's who are married and have families as well. I don't know. I hope so anyway.

But I know that many Aspie members of WP are married and some even have children. Perhaps some will share here as well.

But either way, knowing what I now know about Autism and about myself, I could never call myself an NT.

Last edited by skibum on 02 Aug 2013, 11:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I vote luck and persistence. I also emphasized my personality, vs trying to make "appropriate" presentations or responses.

Last edited by MjrMajorMajor on 02 Aug 2013, 11:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I think this is the key. It usually works best when you are not looking to make it happen. It happens naturally as the friendship deepens and grows. I think most people fail because they try too hard. I think I was blessed because I never tried. I was just me and he happened to like me, quirks and all. That is why I think that even LFA's can get married too. It's not about the physical appearance so much, even though hygiene is definitely a plus, you can't get close to someone if they reak, but it's about the emotional connection. That can happen with anyone, even non verbals. I know of people who met in internet exchanges and fell in love that way and are happily married with children. So it can happen to anyone if the circumstance is right.

It's not like NT people have zero problems socializing. They have obsessions, meltdowns and can often be completely oblivious to social ques. Seriously if NT behavior all fit in such a narrow range than Seinfeld wouldn't make any sense at all.

Thank you AuntBlabby. It means a lot to me that you would say that. Really, thank you.

To call myself NT would be a lie. If I'm NT then why was I in special ed classes? Why was I french exempt and why do I have an IEP? Why is it that I haven't had anything close to friends until this past year? Why is it that the friends I do have aren't as close to me as they are to each other?

Yes I have some friends. Yes I've developed some coping and masking techniques in the recent years. Everything is still so draining. I can't even empty the dishwasher and reload it all at once. I have to empty it, take a break, and then come back to put the dirty dishes into it. That's how tired I am on a fairly regular basis. I can't even work 3 hours a week without wanting to die. I didn't get fired from my job. I clearly wasn't advancing at all but I couldn't even manage the smallest amount of work without completely falling apart and collapsing.

Learning to compensate and adjust isn't something that comes naturally. I clearly didn't learn things normally because if I could blend in when everyone else could I wouldn't have been diagnosed. Calling myself NT wouldn't just mean denying who I am, it'd be denying my whole history. I was the loser. I obviously wasn't born with these artificial coping mechanisms so at some point there was no hiding it.

I may have learned a thing or two after a while. I may even find myself being outshined by other people who are even stranger than I am. I still seem odd. People still see it when I tell them I have AS because they know there's something different about me even if they can't all figure it out without a hint.

On top of all that I'm anxious as hell. I'm constantly doubting my own perceptions so even when I'm right about something I assume I must be missing something. I'm constantly worrying that people are shunning me. I'm never sure of myself. I can never trust my own judgements. I know I can judge people's intentions correctly sometimes but I'm so bad at it that even when I'm right it doesn't help me because I'm never confident about it and the reason I'm not confident is because it hasn't been an easy thing for me.

The social paranoia is a killer and I appear needy because I need people to reassure me that they're not blowing me off like I suspect they are.

A few compensations don't make me NT. Having friends doesn't make me NT. Being able to pass as a slightly awkward NT doesn't mean that I am one. Having worked a dead-end job for two years without ever getting anything more than my starting hours doesn't make me NT and if I was NT I probably wouldn't have collapsed under the stress brought on by even the smallest amount of work.

Don't try to pass as an NT. If you are confident in who you are that is attractive. Being your real self is attractive. I love reading Kingdomofrat's posts. She is severely autistic but she is very confident about who she is and she is a powerful contributor to society and does excellent and inspiring work. She does not pretend to be anybody she is not, she is 100% herself and that is one of the reasons she is so inspiring.

If you try to pretend to be someone or something you are not people will eventually see that. Now you may have to learn to do certain social behaviors to get along in this society, like I certainly can't have a total meltdown in the middle of the tube station at my age. There are social norms that we should learn to respect and try to keep. But that does not mean that we have to pretend to be NT's. Someone who wants to love you especially as a mate wants to love you, not some pretend character, and if that person can't love you for who you are, your relationship will not be real and it won't last very long.

Last edited by skibum on 02 Aug 2013, 11:45 pm, edited 2 times in total.