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MathematicalOwl
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01 Oct 2013, 11:59 am

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827". Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.

The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a crowd has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

I would have thought it was obvious" the caretaker says. "He's decomposing."



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09 Oct 2013, 10:44 pm

auntblabby wrote:
Meistersinger wrote:
Words pipe organists consider to be offensive: Wurlitzer Organs

what so wrong with good ol' theatrical Wurlitzer organs? :huh: in any case, you left out ken griffin.


Mostly jealousy. The typical church organist, back in the days of silent movies, made a lot less money than their theater organ brethren.


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09 Oct 2013, 10:52 pm

Meistersinger wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
Meistersinger wrote:
Words pipe organists consider to be offensive: Wurlitzer Organs

what so wrong with good ol' theatrical Wurlitzer organs? :huh: in any case, you left out ken griffin.


Mostly jealousy. The typical church organist, back in the days of silent movies, made a lot less money than their theater organ brethren.

such folk strike me as just another variety of art snob. each type [liturgical and theatrical] have their proper domain, neither better than the other, just different.



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16 Oct 2013, 11:38 pm

auntblabby wrote:
Meistersinger wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
Meistersinger wrote:
Words pipe organists consider to be offensive: Wurlitzer Organs

what so wrong with good ol' theatrical Wurlitzer organs? :huh: in any case, you left out ken griffin.


Mostly jealousy. The typical church organist, back in the days of silent movies, made a lot less money than their theater organ brethren.

such folk strike me as just another variety of art snob. each type [liturgical and theatrical] have their proper domain, neither better than the other, just different.


Not if the church organist has a family to support. I agree with you though. they're different, and neither are better hand the other.

Frankly, I would have no problem installing a Wurlitzer pipe organ that was taken out of a theater and installed in a church, as long as the instrument is voiced properly for its new environment. If I was given the choice between a Wurlitzer and an electronic organ, I'll take the Wurlitzer every time. Why? I like the sound of real pipes over a sythesizer. While electronic organs have gotten better, they still lose their return on investment faster than a pipe organ, since digital organs use a CPU and audio electronics to create their waveforms. How many digital organs do you know of from the 1980's that are still in use? I don't know of that many! How many Aeolian-Skinner organs are still used in their congregations? Quite a few. Yes the air chests may haves to be releathered every 75-100 years or so, but the numbers still bear the fact that the ROI over a long period of time is a lot greater.


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16 Oct 2013, 11:43 pm

auntblabby wrote:
He was a mediocre conductor of a mediocre orchestra. He had been having problems with the basses; they were the least professional of his musicians. It was the last performance of the season, Beethoven’s 9th Symphony, which required extra effort from the basses at the end. Earlier that evening, he found the basses celebrating one of their birthdays by passing a bottle around. As he was about to cue the basses, he knocked over his music stand. The sheet music scattered. As he stood in front of his orchestra, his worst fear was realized; it was the bottom of the 9th, no score and the basses were loaded.

The world's worst conductor was conducting a rehearsal. Halfway through he was directing with wild abandon when his baton flew out of his hand and embedded itself in the eye of a hapless flute player instantly killing her. The police arrived shortly after and ruled the death an accident. The following week, he lost control of his baton again; it skewered the principal oboist this time, immediately killing him. The police arrived and after consideration ruled the case an accident. The following week at rehearsal the conductor once again was lost in the music when surprise surprise out of his hand flew the baton this time hitting the third trumpet player, killing him stone dead. The police would not believe that the third death was an accident, and they arrested him. The conductor was tried and sentenced to death in the electric chair. After strapping him in the executioner threw the switch, but nothing happened. Again he threw the switch and nothing happened. The warden was frustrated by this time and demanded that the executioner explain what the problem was. To which the he shrugged and said... "Well, everyone knows he's a bad conductor"

How do certain conductors choose a principal flute player? Well, it helps if she has big breaths.

In the beginning, there were only wind instruments in the orchestra. Then, they noticed that many of the people were too stupid to play wind instruments, so they gave them large boxes with wires strapped across them. These people were known as “strings”. Then they noticed that some people were too dumb to play strings, so they were given two sticks and were told to hit whatever they wanted. These people were known as “percussionists”. Finally, they noticed that one percussionist was so dumb, he couldn’t even do that, so they took away one of his sticks and told him to go stand in front of everybody. And that was the birth of the first conductor.


First two really sick, but cracked me up!



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16 Oct 2013, 11:46 pm

wozeree wrote:
First two really sick, but cracked me up!

having been a musician [of sorts], I can tell you we have our own unique sense of humor.



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17 Oct 2013, 12:03 am

wozeree wrote:
auntblabby wrote:

The world's worst conductor was conducting a rehearsal. Halfway through he was directing with wild abandon when his baton flew out of his hand and embedded itself in the eye of a hapless flute player instantly killing her. The police arrived shortly after and ruled the death an accident. The following week, he lost control of his baton again; it skewered the principal oboist this time, immediately killing him. The police arrived and after consideration ruled the case an accident. The following week at rehearsal the conductor once again was lost in the music when surprise surprise out of his hand flew the baton this time hitting the third trumpet player, killing him stone dead. The police would not believe that the third death was an accident, and they arrested him. The conductor was tried and sentenced to death in the electric chair. After strapping him in the executioner threw the switch, but nothing happened. Again he threw the switch and nothing happened. The warden was frustrated by this time and demanded that the executioner explain what the problem was. To which the he shrugged and said... "Well, everyone knows he's a bad conductor"
.


First two really sick, but cracked me up!


Reminds me of an incident almost 35 years ago when I was guest directing a local community band. I was directing an old circus march, and the lead alto saxophonist began to piss me off with his antics. I was close to going over to him and physically forcing his instrument down his throat, then picking him up and throwing him off the bandstand. Well, before I had the chance, the baton slipped out of my hand, and I nearly decapitated the tenor saxophonist. You never saw an entire section move as fast as they did when they saw the baton flying. The tenor saxophonist's mother is the soprano soloist in my church choir, and when she starts to get on her high horse with me on "this is not how we did it 40 years ago", I usually had to remind her, "That was then, this is now." and "Remember the time I nearly decapitated your son with the baton while directing the band?" and she usually will back off.


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15 Nov 2013, 11:56 pm

Okay, here are a couple about bassist I got from a friend:

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. If they wanted to do something that difficult they would have just stuck to the guitar to begin with.

How can you tell when a bass player is out of tune?
His fingers are moving


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25 Nov 2013, 4:17 am

There are two types of pit orchestra players: Those who never played under the direction of Richard Strauss, and those who did.


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Last edited by Meistersinger on 25 Nov 2013, 11:59 am, edited 1 time in total.

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25 Nov 2013, 4:22 am

It was the night of the big symphony concert, and all the town notables showed up to hear it. However, it was getting close to 8 o'clock and the conductor hadn't yet shown up. The theater's manager was getting desperate, knowing that he'd have to refund everyone's money if he cancelled the concert, so he went backstage and asked all the musicians if any could conduct.

None of them could, so he went around and asked the staff if any of them could conduct. He had no luck there either, so he started asking people in the lobby, in the hope that maybe one of them could conduct the night's concert.

He still hadn't found anyone, so he went outside and started asking everybody passing by if they could conduct. He had no luck whatsoever and by this time the concert was 15 minutes late in starting. The assistant manager came out to say that the crowd was getting restless and about ready to demand their money back.

The desperate manager looked around and spied a cat, a dog, and a horse standing in the street. "Oh, what the heck," he exclaimed, "let's ask them--what do we have to lose?"

So the manager and assistant manager went up to the cat, and the manager asked "Mr. cat, do you know how to conduct?" The cat meowed "I don't know, I'll try," but though it tried really hard, it just couldn't stand upright on its hind legs. The manager sighed and thanked the cat, and then moved on to the dog.

"Mr. dog," he asked, "do you think you can conduct?" The dog woofed "Let me see," but although it was able to stand up on its hind legs and wave its front paws around, it just couldn't keep upright long enough to last through an entire movement.

"Well, nice try," the manager told the dog, and with a sigh of resignation turned to the horse. "Mr. horse," he asked, "how about you--can you conduct?" The horse looked at him for a second and then without a word turned around, presented its hind end, and started swishing its tail in perfect four-four time.

"That's it!" the manager exclaimed, "the concert can go on!" However, right then the horse dropped a load of plop onto the street. The assistant manager was horrified, and he told the manager "We can't have this horse conduct! What would the orchestra think?"

The manager looked first at the horse's rear end and then at the plop lying in the street and replied "trust me--from this angle, the orchestra won't even know they have a new conductor!"


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25 Nov 2013, 4:25 am

A musician arrived at the pearly gates.

"What did you do when you were alive?" asked St. Peter.

"I was the principal trombone player of the London Symphony Orchestra"

"Excellent! We have a vacancy in our celestial symphony orchestra for a trombonist. Why don't you turn up at the next rehearsal."

So, when the time for the next rehearsal arrived our friend turned up with his heavenly trombone [sic]. As he took his seat God moved, in a mysterious way, to the podium and tapped his batton to bring the players to attention. Our friend turned to the angelic second trombonist (!) and whispered, "So, what's God like as a conductor?"

"Oh, he's O.K. most of the time, but occasionally he thinks he's von Karajan."


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25 Nov 2013, 4:28 am

A first violinist, a second violinist, a virtuoso violist, and a bass player are at the four corners of a football field. At the signal, someone drops a 100 dollar bill in the middle of the field and they run to grab it. Who gets it?
The second violinist, because:
No first violinist is going anywhere for only 100 dollars.
There's no such thing as a virtuoso violist.
The bass player hasn't figured out what it's all about.


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25 Nov 2013, 4:34 am

Math/Logic Quiz

Wilson is tired of paying for clarinet reeds. If he adopts a policy of playing only on rejected reeds from his colleagues will he be able to retire on the money he has saved if he invests it in mutual bonds, yielding 8.7%, before he is fired from his job? If not, calculate the probablitity of him ever working in a professional symphony orchestra again!
Jethro has been playing the double bass in a symphony orchestra for 12 years, three months and seven days. Each day, his inclination to practice decreases by the equation: (total days in the orchestra) x 0.0076. Assuming he stopped practising altogether four years, six months and three days ago, how long will it be before he is completely unable to play the double bass?
Wilma plays in the second violin section, but specializes in making disparaging remarks about conductors and other musicians. The probability of her making a negative comment about any given musician is 4 chances in 7, and for conductors is 16 chances out of 17. If there are 103 musicians in the orchestra and the orchestra sees 26 different conductors each year, how many negative remarks does Wilma make in a two-year period? How does this change if five of the musicians are also conductors? What if six of the conductors are also musicians?
Horace is the General Manager of an important symphony orchestra. He tries to hear at least four concerts a year. Assuming that at each concert the orchestra plays a minimum of three pieces per concert, what are the chances that Horace can avoid hearing a single work by Mozart, Beethoven or Brahms in the next ten years?
Betty plays in the viola section. Despite her best efforts she is unable to play with the rest of the orchestra and, on average, plays 0.3528 seconds behind the rest of the viola section, which is already 0.16485 seconds behind the rest of the orchestra. If the orchestra is moving into a new concert hall with a reverberation time of 2.7 seconds, will she be able to continue playing this way undetected?
Ralph loves to drink coffee. Each week he drinks three more cups of coffee than Harold, who drinks exactly one third the amount that the entire brass section consumes in beer. How much longer is Ralph going to live?
Rosemary is unable to play in keys with more than three sharps or flats without making an inordinate number of mistakes. Because her colleagues in the cello section are also struggling in these passages she has so far been able to escape detection. What is the total number of hours they would all have to practice to play the complete works of Richard Strauss?


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25 Nov 2013, 6:35 am

what did the drummer say before he got kicked out of the band?
"i wrote a song"


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25 Nov 2013, 12:06 pm

If you threw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? (two answers)
1. The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions.

2. Who cares?


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