Let's talk about small talk

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Hi all! So I'm an undiagnosed suspected as pie doing some research when I noticed one of the symptoms of autism is "only interacting to achieve a desired goal" (according to CDC), otherwise known as not being able to make small talk. I can relate to this because for as long as I can remember I've only interacted with others with the intent of getting something out of the interaction. Specifically, in school, I would talk to other students to determine how to go about completing a certain task--which is something I've realized in hindsight, not at the moment of interaction. My parents have also labeled me jokingly as "opportunistic," because when I come up to them to talk it is because I need something from them. Since small talk is a necessary skill within the spectrum of social interactions, no having it can be a real hinderance.

When I look back and think to my past relationships, I realize that they weren't as close, as at the time I assumed them to be. For instance, I could talk about school or work (or a few interests) with other students or coworkers, respectively, but I would be at a loss if asked for the said person's or persons' favorite food, music, etc. I could show interest in things like someone's family if it was mentioned by someone, but I wouldn't know how to approach the subject myself and it never really occurred to me to ask about someone's family--or where they were from, where they worked, etc. I may have improved a little at social intractions since finishing school, but I still find it difficult and in fact very awkward to talk to 99% of strangers and form new relationships.

So here is my question: what are your typical experiences with small talk (negative/positive, examples)? I am interested in hearing both from aspies and neurotypicals about the topic.

Last edited by perrie on 19 Oct 2013, 5:52 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I'm no good at small talk. In social situations, I'm so prone to saying the wrong things, I just keep my mouth shut altogether. This means I have nothing to say to my neighbours. They're normal so they couldn't engage me in their usual suspects - the weather, sports, cars, traffic, etc.

Interestingly, here on WP, in the Random Discussion forum, I do answer questions that seem simplistic and small talk-ish in nature. I think that's because I'm relating to my own people and, technically, there's no talking involved. Perhaps a start, or a way, for me to get used to small talk in general. I don't know if it's working in real life, though, because I still spend most of my time by myself.

I'm N.T.
Positives: I am able to small talk with the goal of getting along with people e.g. colleagues. I like to be polite.
Negatives: It's boring and repetitive. People talk about the same things everyday.
I sometimes make mistakes, so I give the same answers everyday to the same questions which are asked of me everyday. I bore myself.

So, nice weather we're having, eh?

Small talk is now so unbearable for me. It's like having a thousand knives being stabbed into the nervous system whenever I have to take part in it.

It is boring, repetitive, predictable, and makes me feel the need to escape. Sometimes the things people say make no sense whatsoever. For example, a week ago, I told a doctor that my area of specialty in physics was astrophysics. She said, "that's a whole different space." What??? I could tell by her tone of voice that she was barely paying attention to the conversation, yet she had initiated it.

Small talk is also a complete waste of time because I don't care about trivia or the mundane details of the lives of strangers, nor do I care to answer questions from someone who doesn't even really care about what I have to say. If I know a person, I can wrestle up some interest in the details of their lives, but it's based on the aspects about which I'm curious, not absolutely whatever random thing they want to share. It is a frustrating social expectation because people assume that if you are reluctant to engage in small talk, you want to be left alone or have no interest in them. In fact, if they just said something interesting, I might engage.

AshTrees:

An NT that thinks small talk gets boring and repetitive, and makes mistakes! Sorry if I sound ignorant, but I used to think NTs must love being boring and repetitive with the narrow field, over-done small talk topics etc. That is part is part of why I usually want to tune it out while people are engaging in small talk. Plus, I don't think like them, so I tend to not think half the jokes are funny. And me, I make mistakes all the time in those communications.

Small talk to me is often very painful unless I genuinely want to chat with someone. If small talk feels forced as in you are at a work function and you must go and must talk to people. So I can be good at it (at least I think so anyway). If I do not know someone well and it feels like an obligation to do small talk I often feel awkward. Sometimes I feel like I luck out and a person seems especially easy to talk to or they do most of the talking and only have to listen and seem interested.

i've long been much better at small talk than large talk. IOW i can talk about little things but am not especially good at conversing about weighty subjects.

I can make small talk with some difficulty, but interacting for the sake of it feels very forced and even intrusive to me unless I already know someone. The way I see it, if I don't have anything to say to them, then why am I taking up their time?

I've learned how to do it because I don't want to be alone or stand off to the side while everyone else has fun and is included. I wish people socialized differently, but that's just not how it is. If I don't want to be alone I must learn a new language.

Interesting answers. So small talk can be "boring" and "repetitive," full of the "same questions." This begs the answer, what are some of these questions? I'm familiar with the typical "How are you?" and "Nice day we're having?" but what are some of the other typical questions you come across during small talk? If we could poll a small list perhaps that might be helpful to those of us struggling with small talk..

For instance, here is how my attempt at small talk might go:
"Nice day we're having?"
"Much better than last week!"
"Oh yes, it rained an awful lot last week. Actually I was glad because..."

Of course this works much better in theory where you can create the little dialogue in your head with the other person being jolly happy to talk to you

Subjects of small talk I come across on a daily basis:
Weather
Families
"How tired I am"
"It'll soon be the weekend!"
"Oh, no! Monday again!"
Complaining about work

The majority of human beings are NT, I would assume, there's going to be massive variation in the personalities of NT people, much more so than the variation in AS or ASD people. And there's more to being on the spectrum than social tendencies/preferences.