New to forum - needing some support!

Post Reply New Topic

Hi all. I am a SAHM, homeschooling my 10 y.o. daughter with Asperger's and an anxiety disorder, as well as a younger daughter (seemingly not on spectrum). I remember hearing about this site before, but today I realized that if I don't get some support and perspective, I'm going to start pulling out my hair in frustration, so here I am.
Here's the deal - my bright, beautiful Aspie daughter is driving me crazy! I love her to bits, but she's awfully difficult to like right now. Everything is a cause for an argument and she can push my buttons like no one else can. I can tell myself to take the high road, model good behavior and manners, don't get drawn in to her pre-teen drama, but it never seems to let up and at some point I just snap and start dishing out the consequences. She's so mean to her younger sister - not thoughtlessly, but very intentionally - and rude to my partner and myself. If I witnessed this kind of behavior in someone else's child, I'd probably assume they let him/her get away with murder at home. But we don't - really! If I had a dollar for every time I've repeated, "I will listen to a polite request, but not to an order" or "you may join us again when you're ready to speak respectfully" - I'd be rich, and that's just in the last 24 hours.
I think that school would probably be disastrous for her - we can't afford a private school, and the public ones where we live have some serious problems. She did attend public school for her kindergarten year - not a good scene. But I worry that the constant cycle of her pushing and me finally losing my patience is damaging our relationship, and that maybe our family would be better off if she had other adults trying to teach her and I got a break from time to time. On the other hand, if school is as stressful for her as I suspect it would be (based on how she reacts in other "schoolish" settings), we could be in for even more tantrums and problems at home. I know no one can give answers for me, but it helps just to get it off my chest. Thanks!

I don't have a little girl, or a child in that age range, nor do I home school. But I wanted to say welcome to the forum. People here are so very genuinely helpful.

I really wish you the best.

It sounds like you both need a break from each other. My little guy is really easy going, but after two months of him being home for the summer, I needed a break from him, and he's only six. I can't imagine dealing with a pre-teen.

Is she involved in any clubs, art classes, groups or lessons to provide her an outlet and you a break? Maybe something involving animals? I know I wouldn't' have survived my teen years without horseback riding and 4-H, and I know I was probably a little like your daughter at that age. (my siblings were scared of me, and I liked it that way).

Hi ya and Welcome.

I agree, something(s) to keep her occupied. Like a dungeon. (just kidding!)
With myself, my voice can sound much more rude than I think it does.
I probably wouldn't put up with anyone like me too well because it's easier for me to notice the prosody in what I hear than in what I say, esp trying to plan it while I'm saying it. Plus I know what I mean, so I may not notice it sounds bad. Listeners have to figure out what a speaker means from what they hear, so sloppy tone control can lead to problems.
On the other hand sometimes I mean it to sound gruff and, oh boy, then it does!
It might be partly that, she may not intend it to sound so rude/bossy/etc.
But sometimes she might, I reckon.

Also I have less patience/tolerance/control if frustrations have been nibbling away at my tolerance margins.
Sometimes I also get frustrated that others put so much importance into my "tone" and seem to ignore the actual words of the message, especially since speaking seem like such a heavy physical effort - like having a 50 pound cat on my chest.

People on the spectrum often have asking tolerance issues, meaning they dislike making requests, maybe often waiting too long, until something has become very important (to them) and that's stress making too.

Maybe some of these things are true for her too. Or maybe not.

Welcome! I too have a DD10 on the spectrum (who is also being treated for sever anxiety), however we do not home school.

We had to look around for 'the right school' though, and the first one was a disaster! She is in a good school now and is (mostly) happy to go so I get that break and the chance to work part time which is good for my mental well being. DD10 though is a handful at the best of times. She too has what i would describe as a sharp tongue, especially towards her younger brother and her step father. She is not using it on me quite as much any longer as I dont react - the others in the house still do though so they still get it so she can get the reaction.

I dont know that I can offer much advice.... just empathy as I am there in it too. We just take each day as it comes and keep slowly moving forward. However, here are some observations from my perspective:

My DD10 gets a lot from being in her local brownie/guides troupe. We found a small group and she is finding inner confidence and even a few smiles sneak through her anxiety. It is good for her to have an outside distraction/interest. She is also in karate, which she excels at and her doc has asked me to keep her busy. If she has too much slouching around watching telly her anxiety gets worse, so we do karate twice a week, then she comes to a zumba class with me (she has severe separation issues when away from me anywhere other than school and now guides - this took a while) twice a week and she has guides once a week. That only leaves her the weekends which we try to be out and about as a family. I know this would be too much for some ASD kids, but mine is desperate for experiences and to try all things new (as long as I am close by). As said by others - Maybe something outside the home would be beneficial to you both?

If you wish to attempt schooling outside the home, look around, take the time and talk with the teachers/principals a lot. This can be a make or break decision and she will need a lot of support and guidance to move from home schooling to the public arena. Perhaps you have a school willing to 'share' - where she does maybe 1 day or a couple of half days at school and the rest from home? I dont know what the rules etc are in the US (I am in AUS) but it might be worth asking?

I have learnt to pick my battles.... I apply the following to all things that would historically have become a conflict:
1 - Is she tired, hungry, thirsty, cold, hot, overstimulated etc (is there a reason for the lower than usual self regulation?
2 - What are the words she is using - take out the tone and unnecessary words, what is she trying to say?
3 - Is it the end of the world to just agree if what she is asking is not outrageous?
4 - How important is this issue/comment in the world - will it matter to me next week, is it a threat that will hang over like a cloud or a just passing shower?

If I have covered off the above and it is still important I will stand up and be heard. She knows when I argue I have been down this road and I will win and 9/10 times she will back down/begin a different slant/meltdown (depending on importance to her) but she will recover if I stay calm and stick to my guns... (not always easy, especially at 3am!)

All else fails, tomorrow will be another day. Good luck, feel free to message me if you want to chat and swap notes anytime ok!

Um, I used to really end up angry at my child and it was not good.

What I did was learn a way to provide him perspective.

If you know about autism/aspergers, there is a train of thought suggesting people on the spectrum don't have the same TOM (theory of mind) as NTs. Whether it is true or not is beside the point here but what I learned by going through the linguistic research was that some autistic people are able to pass the classic TOM test [but I don't think that really means their problems are all solved].

Anyway, it turns out that familiarity with a certain grammatical structure predicts whether autistics will be able to pass the test. It's the sentential compliment. Basically it just serves to overtly mark otherwise hidden thinking:

Ex. I think it's going to rain. You think it's going to be sunny. [I = subject, think=verb, it's going to rain = compliment in the form of a sentence]

Ok so having read the research on that, I found it to be stress relieving to me. I don't know what effect it will really have but I can calm myself down by saying " you think that mommy is a b*tch because ... well I think she is the nicest person in the world because ..." "You think saying bad words helps you but I think saying them hurts you because ...", " I think you don't understand that ...", "you think xyz means ...; but I think xyz means..."

I can go on like this forever and a day highlighting the differences in our thinking. I can be pretty creative doing it too. I throw in a few questions here and there so it is not a straight lecture. I want to show I understand my child's perspective, and still have the same opinion I do even though I understand why he has a different idea.

I think your younger one will really learn how to argue effectively by seeing you do it. I can't say how much it will really improve things with the older daughter though. Just try it for now and see when else you will need to do...

Um, my wife has said "out of this house" once or twice and I volunteer to go with him highlighting the difficulties we will surely face until he apologizes... but I don't suggest that tactic. I can't control what my wife says...


"you think you can fight me so you don't have to do this homework, I think people who can't finish school get the worse jobs and ...." etc etc