NT conversation in the car.

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Ok so here is the situation,

This past weekend I went to a snowboarding event with three other people. I will say their names are Mouli, Christina and John. No those are not their real names. I arrived at Christina's house around 9:00 on Sunday November 3rd 2013. Once we started to pack the car I was very upfront when I told them that the ski and snowboard subculture was something new to me and I really did not have much experience with it AT ALL. They did not seem to mind in the least and off we all went. BTW Mouli was also someone who did not know much about this subculture. So off we went to the event.


The conversation that we had in the car was random. By that I mean we jumped from subject to subject. When in a conversation with people one must keep in mind that it goes from subject to subject. Trying to stick to one subject that you like is not generally speaking a good idea. The whole time I was there I pretty much stayed in my own orbit. What I mean by that was that I was not needy or clingy in anyway. Why you may ask? Because I did not form that strong of a connection with any of them.


Once we got there I pretty much entertained myself until it was time to leave. On our way back Christina apologized for not getting to do anything. I told her that I did not consider it a loss. It wet my appetite for things to come and I got a great deal on cold weather gear.

Erm... so you went on a car journey, talked a bit on the way, went to an event, and came back again.

Is that it, or have I missed something?

[img][800:750]http://eduncovered.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/cool-story-bro.jpg[/img]

I got a little tired while writing this. The point of the story was that once I found out I did not have much in common with them I left it at that. In the past before the diagnosis I was always clinging on people. Now years later it feels good that I don't have that problem anymore.

Oh, I see, it's about personal development post-diagnosis. Depending on the time that has elapsed since you were diagnosed, it may just be an independent aspect of your maturing personal identity (i.e., feeling less pressure toward social conformity in any given situation).

I can associate with that, but in reverse: Diagnosis had a somewhat negative effect upon my social interactions.

Pre-diagnosis, I always (or usually) approached any given social situation as a chance to make new friends, even though I knew this was just my hoped-for optimal outcome and wouldn't always be met. So I tended to 'present' as happy (which was genuine, given my naïve excitement at being in a social context), over-chatty, personally-attentive and emotionally-responsive. This generally made people warm to me, even if it didn't result in any kind of ongoing personal friendship. So I got remembered as being a nice person, which is arguably a positive outcome.

Post-diagnosis, I became very acutely aware of some aspects of my condition's known social limitations, and paranoid about possible limitations that I didn't know about. This made me approach social situations carefully and self-consciously, always looking out for slip-ups and misunderstandings. It killed a lot of the more spontaneous positive aspects of my personality, because suddenly I didn't dare to do anything unexpected or that might be construed as socially-inappropriate.

It's been seven years since then, and I have now internalised a lot of that post-diagnosis thinking, so it has had a definite impact upon my personality: My social confidence is coming back, in fits and starts, but it will never be quite what it was. But at the same time, I have learned to say 'f**k it' and give up if something plainly isn't working despite my best efforts.

A key insight along the way was the realisation that NT people simply don't think about you with the level of complexity and analysis with which you think about yourself.

And I now have a greater appreciation of the fact that the social limitations of AS are somewhat regardable as aspects of purely abstract social constructions, so that any relationship I may develop with a NT person has to be regarded in terms of the unique chemistry that arises between individuals as they explore aspects of each other's personalities, which may not always be positive.

So I don't necessarily regard a 'nul' result as being wholly due to my own shortcomings any more, and can move on to develop other relationships without a disproportionate feeling of self-doubt.

Took a long time, but hey, what's that saying about 'a life unexamined'?

Why THE HELL did you go? They're the sort of situations I desperately try to avoid all my life. I can't imagine being trapped in a car with that many people I had nothing in common with for that long. Headphones would definitely have been a prerequisite on a journey like that. Headphones or an arsenic tablet. Either would do! No wonder you needed alone time while you were there! Next time, go on your own or take your Cat! Purrrfect company animals. It's believed that all Cats have AS.

My reasons for going were simple. I am not one to shy away when it comes to getting what I want. I take an avid interest in the outdoor lifestyle for many reasons. Even though skiing and snowboarding is not something that I have the wherewithall to do on a weekly basis it is something that I will do once the other pieces of my life come into play. And I have had some successes.

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"Post-diagnosis, I became very acutely aware of some aspects of my condition's known social limitations, and paranoid about possible limitations that I didn't know about. This made me approach social situations carefully and self-consciously, always looking out for slip-ups and misunderstandings. It killed a lot of the more spontaneous positive aspects of my personality, because suddenly I didn't dare to do anything unexpected or that might be construed as socially-inappropriate."

I can relate to that

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I mean no disrespect toward you, John, but you are overestimating the amount of genuine connection that is happening during a typical conversation. So-called neurotypical people may seem to navigate conversations, and form deep connections with one another, with ease, but they are just employing a simple listen-and-repeat technique that they have practiced and refined over time, thereby creating the illusion of a meaningful conversation where none exists. Everybody who is a good conversationalist had to learn this skill at one point or another, and it is not a skill that anybody is born with even though some people are naturally more charming / charismatic than others.

)h I'm quite aware of the fact that the conversation was not leading toward any type fo connection. The reason why I typed it out was that I wanted to get it inn my own head that most conversations that I have with most people don't reallg o anywhere IMO unless therre is a mutual need for something that person has or we have alot of CEI.

What does CEI refer to? I have not heard this acronym before.

Commonality, Empathy and Interest.