NT Engaged To An Aspie

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Is there anyone else out there who is in an Aspie/NT relationship? If so, what challenges do you have? If you are not in one, would you consider it?

I'd consider it.

I don't think aspie/aspie is necessarily the most compatible combo. It might be, if special interests, sensory issues, stimming habits and the like align or at least don't clash. But I suspect aspie/tolerant NT is more likely to work.

The most important thing would have to be communication. Seems common for NT spouses to feel neglected, for example, which is best addressed by talking about it rather than ignoring the problem. Relationships take work whatever the neurologies involved.

(Thread moved from Autism discussion to L&D)

I didn't think twice about it but I have known my fiancé for 8 years. Always thought he was a bit odd, but who isn't? It has it challenges but like you said, all relationships do. It does take a tolerant NT because there are a lot of needy people out there, lol! Communication is very key and the only way for my fiancé to understand what I need most of the time. He treats me like a queen. Yes, he has sensory issues but I have learned to work with that and its not an issue. His last relationship was horrible and he was treated so badly. He tells me he is so happy to be with me. I guess because I don't jump all over him over certain things.

my fiance is not "officially' dx yet because he saw the specialist and then i did and after the holiday we will together. she told me that he definitely is an aspie, which i already knew but it is good to have it official, or unofficial due to the DSM but whatever.

so the fiance thinks that there is no help for him and that she told him that all she could do was teach him how to pretend better. I am pretty sure he misunderstood but yeah, he is not happy about it.

i can accept and do believe that being ASD does not mean he is bad, just different but HE can't. he thinks im calling him broken and bad. I am feeling really very frustrated because i can't tell if he actually wants to persue any help or if he is only doing it because I told him i needed him to at least TRY to understand how it is he hurts my feelings so often.

I don't even hope to change his opinions/natural responses, i just hope that when I say "hey, that really hurt" that he can learn that then it is important to STOP, even if he doesn't think it should have hurt.

im feeling pretty hopeless at the moment, to be honest.

I'm a NT who is madly in love with an Aspie who only wants to be friends. He does not want a girlfriend at this time, and it's killing me.

@ themaggie, he is upset which is understandable. Hopefully he will come around and get the help he may need. Pretending is not key. They need to be able to be themselves but they can learn certain behaviors are unacceptable to us NTs. I can tell my fiancé that something he doing is hurtful and he will apologize and wont usually do it again. Its a learning process for everyone. I would give him some time to see how he does with this, he may be scared. When mine found out, he thought I wouldn't want to be his friend anymore. Now we are engaged. I have had to learn new way to communicate more efficiently as well. I tell him exactly what I need or what is bothering me. Just be sympathetic. He will have to learn on his own that this isn't a death sentence and doesn't mean he is mentally ill, just different. I think mine was more embarrassed but he was happy to finally figure out why he was so different. My fiancé has said some things that hurt my feelings a little and couldn't understand why. I had to explain it to him, sometimes more than once, but I don't yell or get upset. I speak calmly but firmly and this seems to work for him. Yelling or being argumentative just shuts him down completely.

@ Finchel Gleek, some Aspies aren't looking for relationships because of the involvement it takes. I know its hard to hear but it maybe best to move on. Mine has loved me since day one, but I was too young and stupid to realize what a good guy he is. We are together now but it took me years. Now, I am 30 years old and he is 45, so there is a bit of an age difference. He told me has only been in love with me. But I know quite a few Aspies who just don't ever date or want to get married, ever and yours may be this way. He is not ready and he may never be.

I've been in multiple relationships and all have been with NT's. Well, one had borderline personality disorder and the one before the one I'm in now I STRONGLY suspect had Asperger's, but meh.

The latter didn't work out because she was too rigid, didn't know how to cope with her sensory issues, had limited understanding of others emotions.. etc etc. I could go on, but mainly we failed because a lot of classic Asperger Syndrome issues she didn't know how to deal with and didn't want help with changing. Coupled with my own Aspie issues, plus my on and off binge drinking at the time.. It was a recipe for disaster.

I've been in a relationship for going on 9 months now and it's with a decently understanding and fairly patient NT. She is very high strung and hypersensitive though so it's tough with my blunt honesty, but she is my best friend and she is the most stable long term relationship I have ever had.

@autism us

it seems impossible to me for someone to believe this BUT he believes that no one can teach him anything about how to deal with his own life because he is the only one who has lived it. that no matter how similar other's lives may have been it is no use to him. i don't get that and have no idea if that is aspie related or related to his emotional issues (we both have them). anyway, i bring this up because i've mentioned that perhaps talking to other aspies who were diagnosed as adults would help him see some light at the end of the tunnel but he won't.

im trying to be there for him but he can be really awfully mean and it gets really really hard. or continues to be anyway.

@ MadeUnderground, its trial and error isn't it? I asked my fiancé if he thought he could be with another Aspie and he thinks probably not. He hasn't dated much in his life. His ex has major personality issues and she treated him horribly. I am not hypersensitive by any means, even with being pregnant (His first child). I am one of those few people who really don't get offended easily but I do try and work my fiancé so he doesn't say the wrong thing to a friend or co-worker. He is even worried himself that he will end up saying the wrong thing to someone unintentionally. He has had to learn to read emotions and overall he does well with me, but not others. It does take patience on the NTs part and lots of understanding. Its like you kind of have to have thick skin until your partner learns the correct behavior. My ex husband was an NT and abusive. My love now wouldn't hurt me if his life depended on it and treats me like a queen. He is non confrontational and he has taught me to be the same in some ways. I personally like the bluntness, I was raised in a family that doesn't hold back their feelings, lol! Mine has sensory issues as well but I have learned to respect that it is the way he is. Not to be too graphic, but sex has to be done certain ways so its enjoyable for him due to his sensory issues. But its nothing that takes away from our intimacy. I hope it works out with your love!

@themaggie, it sounds like it may be an emotional issue as mine didn't take it that way exactly. although everyone is different. My ex has mental issues I believe and refuses to believe he does and that everyone else is the problem. He is an NT. My love now does feel that there isn't much help out there for adults with autism and I agree. It sounds like yours may be in denial and hasn't come to terms with it. He is lashing out and may have some self hatred about being an Aspie, possibly. Its hard to tell. Has he always been this way or just since the Autism issue? Would he be up for a second opinion?

@ Finchel_Gleek, at least he knows you like him, so the ball is in his court. He may feel like he cant have a relationship at all. Its hard to say without knowing him personally. Hang in there but know you are worth a lot and deserve to be happy.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_d6XlSx387E[/youtube]

I've never been a long term relationship, but otherwise all of my dates thus far have been with NT's, and some with ADD. It's pretty difficult to find female Aspies out there (actually, I don't think I've ever met a female Aspie in my life!). Most of them usually don't realize that I have Asperger's upon first contact though.