I can see what you're saying, that woman are generally expected to be more touchy-feely and thus a woman or girl on the spectrum will stick out like a sore thumb if she can't bring herself to be that way. But what I think you may be overlooking is that not even all NT women feel the need to be a touch-based person -- especially not in England where there isn't half as much hugging and kissing going on among non-family as in the US, in my own personal experience!
And also, conversely, not all people on the spectrum have a problem with physical touch. There can be Asperger women who like touching and have no problem being a hugger. That's the thing about the spectrum -- it's a spectrum, and not everyone shares exactly the same set of traits and sub-traits among those many sub-traits that are not amongs the major ones required to meet the diagnostic norm.
When it is said that women and girls mask more readily and therefore can go undiagnosed, misdiagnosed, etc, what is usually meant by that is that some, or even maybe many, girls on the spectrum might arrive at a point where they realize they either want to or have to learn and mimic more "normal" ways of being in order to fit into society. There is more pressure in general on women than on men to "fit in" even among NTs. Of course, plenty don't, and make their way in the world defying social convention. But it's still fairly true to say that girls and women usually do conform to being a certain set of things for everyone, while NT men who want to color outside the lines are often accepted as going their own way. It's okay for a man to sit with a beer grunting at the game while the women all fuss around getting the Thanksgiving meal ready in the kitchen. If a woman wants to ditch the other women and retreat to a corner in a similar way, she may be villified for it, for example.
So, a lot of spectrum women may find themselves "acting" in order to do the things that are socially expected of them, and act the ways that are often expected of women (smile, be friendly, take care of people, reach out instead of stay inward-looking, etc). Because of some of this acting, many people might not suspect the person is actually on the autism spectrum, particularly if for one reason or another this woman has felt the need to adapt and blend in particularly strongly, due to survival, acceptance in a difficult life-circumstance, etc.
Of course none of this is to say that there are not women who do stick out like a sore thumb as being aspies. Of course there are, just as there are people who have never put on an act or felt they ought to. And there should be no judgement on those who either do or do not "mask" anything -- we all do in life what we have felt compelled to do out of truly believing it's the only way one's self can get by.
When I was young I think I much more clearly showed autism traits, some quite severe now that I look back. I will never know if anyone picked up on it because it was the 60's and nobody even knew or recognised high functioning autism. Even if someone did point out something to my parents, I know for sure they would have been so freaked out that it would have been kept a secret and certainly I wouldn't have been told about myself.
In order to break out of what I started to realize were non-functioning ways to be, I "swung my pendulum" far to the other extreme at some point in my 20s, and started acting as vehemently "normal" and sociable as I possibly could. I totally put on a mask in order to function in the world and it's very hard now to take it off, especially around strangers, as I feel like my "survival" depends on it.
We all do what we believe we need to do.
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08 Dec 2013, 4:15 am
