Advice about telling a friend that I fancy him

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StarCity
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14 Dec 2013, 1:24 pm

Hi,
I would very much appreciate some advice about the best way I can tackle this:

I'm a guy & there is a guy that I would like to be my boyfriend. I've never had a relationship before, so all this stuff is new to me. What has got me thinking about this stuff is that very recently I was staying with a friend whilst builders were in my appartment, and he has relationships, so I thought it was about time I did.

I have no idea whether the guy I like is straight, bi, or gay. We get along great, and when we look into eachothers eyes I feel a connection "reaching out" from both of us. When I'm with him I feel happy, and like myself he has mild ASD.

Many years ago I felt the same way about a guy and it took me 8 years to get enough courage to tell him that I loved him. We'd been best friends for those 8 years, but when I told him he immediately said that he never wanted to see me again. I am not going to waste years again. For this reason I am going to tell this guy EXACTLY how I feel, so that if he says "No" I won't waste years.

Is this a good plan?:

This coming Thursday I am going to a party that he is also going to (a party without alcohol, so neither of us will be saying anything that we don't really mean). I will say "J. Is it OK if we go somewhere private coz there is something I need to talk to you about?".
If he says "Yes", then I will say "J. I need to be honest with you because I feel that honesty is important. I like you a lot, and wondered if you would like a relationship with me. I've never had a relationship before, but you are a really special person. I understand that this may be a shock, and I fully understand if you don't want to be friends with me anymore, but I felt you should know".

I think that what I have planned to say is good, but I'd appreciate any advice that anyone has.

I will either gain a boyfriend and for the first time in my life no longer be single, or I will lose a friend.


_________________
We, the people on the Autistic Spectrum have a choice.
We can either try to "fit in" with the rest of society, or we can be so egocentric that we can't be bothered.
I choose the actor. I observe NT's. I listen to their socializing. I practice it, so in social situations I can just emulate/mimic what is expected.
It isn't natural for me, but it enables me to "fit in".
It is VERY tiring and draining, but at least we can appear like them even though it is an act. Like being on the stage.
They can't see it is emulation, and so we are accepted.


cathylynn
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14 Dec 2013, 1:42 pm

you might want to ask him his sexual orientation first. if he says "hetero", you could save yourself from disclosing something that might end a good friendship.



StarCity
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14 Dec 2013, 2:07 pm

cathylynn wrote:
you might want to ask him his sexual orientation first. if he says "hetero", you could save yourself from disclosing something that might end a good friendship.


Hi Cathylynn,

Thank you for your advice.

The only issue I see with what you suggested is that he may have learnt that it is better to say he his straight even if he isn't, due to negative experiences when he has told people his real sexuality. In that case if I ask him if he likes guys, women, or both he may say that he likes only females through fear of my reaction if he said that he likes males & females, or just males.

Prior to me speaking to him I plan on telling my support worker how I feel (she is his support worker too). That way if he is upset then she will know why. Also, she may be able to offer me some guidance without breaching his confidentiality.

Cathylynn, the thing is that life is short & before I wasted 8 years before I had the courage. J & I have only been friends for a couple of months and to be honest I would find it very hard to just pal around with him anyway. So make or break is the best option I think.


_________________
We, the people on the Autistic Spectrum have a choice.
We can either try to "fit in" with the rest of society, or we can be so egocentric that we can't be bothered.
I choose the actor. I observe NT's. I listen to their socializing. I practice it, so in social situations I can just emulate/mimic what is expected.
It isn't natural for me, but it enables me to "fit in".
It is VERY tiring and draining, but at least we can appear like them even though it is an act. Like being on the stage.
They can't see it is emulation, and so we are accepted.


ehymw
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14 Dec 2013, 2:17 pm

StarCity wrote:
cathylynn wrote:
you might want to ask him his sexual orientation first. if he says "hetero", you could save yourself from disclosing something that might end a good friendship.


Hi Cathylynn,

Thank you for your advice.

The only issue I see with what you suggested is that he may have learnt that it is better to say he his straight even if he isn't, due to negative experiences when he has told people his real sexuality. In that case if I ask him if he likes guys, women, or both he may say that he likes only females through fear of my reaction if he said that he likes males & females, or just males.

Prior to me speaking to him I plan on telling my support worker how I feel (she is his support worker too). That way if he is upset then she will know why. Also, she may be able to offer me some guidance without breaching his confidentiality.

Cathylynn, the thing is that life is short & before I wasted 8 years before I had the courage. J & I have only been friends for a couple of months and to be honest I would find it very hard to just pal around with him anyway. So make or break is the best option I think.


If you ask him and he says he's straight take his word for it.



StarCity
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14 Dec 2013, 2:29 pm

ehymw wrote:
If you ask him and he says he's straight take his word for it.


OK


_________________
We, the people on the Autistic Spectrum have a choice.
We can either try to "fit in" with the rest of society, or we can be so egocentric that we can't be bothered.
I choose the actor. I observe NT's. I listen to their socializing. I practice it, so in social situations I can just emulate/mimic what is expected.
It isn't natural for me, but it enables me to "fit in".
It is VERY tiring and draining, but at least we can appear like them even though it is an act. Like being on the stage.
They can't see it is emulation, and so we are accepted.


redrobin62
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14 Dec 2013, 3:09 pm

Now I'm curious. I wonder if I turned potential male partners away by saying what is expected from me in a work setting; that is, that I'm straight when I'm not. Probably did more harm than good for all I know.



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14 Dec 2013, 5:17 pm

StarCity wrote:
This coming Thursday I am going to a party that he is also going to (a party without alcohol, so neither of us will be saying anything that we don't really mean). I will say "J. Is it OK if we go somewhere private coz there is something I need to talk to you about?".
If he says "Yes", then I will say "J. I need to be honest with you because I feel that honesty is important. I like you a lot, and wondered if you would like a relationship with me. I've never had a relationship before, but you are a really special person. I understand that this may be a shock, and I fully understand if you don't want to be friends with me anymore, but I felt you should know".

I think this is very good. The only thing I might suggest is to change the last part to present tense, " . . . but I feel you should know."

And do it with zen acceptance, as it sounds like you are.

And yes, if he's not interested in a relationship with you, you will probably lose a friend. But outside chance that you might not.

===================

I might leave off the part of telling the support worker ahead of time as an unnecessary complication. Plus, it puts her in a difficult situation. Even if she tries to prepare him without saying for what, that still might make for a pretty awkward situation.



joku_muko
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15 Dec 2013, 12:36 pm

When it comes to these things there is really only one good way to do that and that is the direct approach. You may end up getting hurt, but it also may end up good, you don't know until you ask and if you feel that way its better to just say and it and deal with the outcome even if it's a bad one then sit on it and suffer the whole time/end up suffering anyway. If they like you too cool, if not move on and find someone else. It takes a lot of 'no' responses, but eventually someone will feel the same and it is worth it.

You know this though as you dealt with it for 8 years. Don't suffer like that again. Just do it and see what happens if it ends badly you may suffer, but it won't be for 8 years.

Also, I get the small feeling you're afraid of outing yourself. If this person was really a friend that wouldn't matter. If it ends up badly you've saved yourself some trouble in the long run.



MadeUnderground
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15 Dec 2013, 12:44 pm

Does he know that you are gay/bi?

If not I think it may be good to have had that out in the open that way if he does happen to be straight and DIDN'T know you were gay, it wouldn't be a double whammy.

Accepting people wouldn't care either way but I dunno, it might lighten the shock for some.

I dunno.



izzeme
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16 Dec 2013, 7:13 am

perhaps you should refrain from using the word "love"; it's a heavy one that you might want to save untill you are already in a relationship.
i'd advice you to simply tell him something like "i like you more then just a friend", which is fairly neutral still and allows him a safe way out.
i have had this said to me in that way as well, i myself an straight so i told him that, we are still friends, no awkwardness.

as an aside: people on the spectrum are more likely to be gay/bi then NTs, so you have a better-then-average chance i'd say