What is the difference between love and limerance?

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I've been thinking about men I've been attracted to in the past and and now that I know what limerance is, I can see now that I wasn't in love at all and it was limerance.

I've just been reading through a limerance forum and I completely relate to what people are writing about their experiences. I understand that whole regaining your sanity through cutting off all contact with the person and then the awful feeling of relapsing because you absolutely can't stop yourself getting back in touch.

There is a man I used to know who I used to email all the time even after I changed my life to avoid him. I have not emailed him in over a year and I feel very proud of myself.

But I dont' trust my emotions now. I've met someone I like and I don't seem to be able to get to talk to him. There is a distance between us and I have been trying not to think about him because he has that similar sort of spark that set of my last two instances of limerance and I am concerned that I will go down that path again. He is single, he is my age, so that is unique, I normally go for men i can't have. But he is very self-contained, and doesn't appear to be interested in dating. He seems "off the market", so I am avoiding him so that I don't get attached.

This is limerance again isn't it? I try not to talk about him or think about him. But he is a really nice chap, but not emotionally available, so I'm thinking I'm better to just walk away.

Limerence is the state of loving someone you can't get and it's often strongly subject to fantasy (not necessarily sexual).

this is an interesting concept. I think it is a question of theory of mind and false empathy.

Love is empathetic.

Limerence is the false perception of empathy, and projecting your own feelings onto another person and not understanding (at either a subconscious or conscious level) that their emotions may not match your own. The word for this is obsession (i.e. stalking)

Doesn't limerance usually involve rhymes about Nantucket?

Is it like a life-long Crush?
Fancying somebody so much that you feel you are in Love with them and they are the one for you, that nobody else will do?
But they hardly know you.

I was in Limerence then from the age of 6 towards another girl at school, I asked her to marry me, I used to fantasise about her crying at my Grave for years after, until I could no longer recall her face.
Now and then I check Friends re-united to see if she joined.

The next case was when I started high school, as soon as I saw her it was Limerence at first sight, I did ask her out three years later when we where 16 but of course she was already taken by then.

Because I never felt a hundredth of the longing I felt for these girls with girls that were available to me, Iam still single.

That last girl was called Thelma and the last time I saw her was 1975, would be nice if I bumped into her now and maybe I would get over her if I saw her now as a fat old woman?, then I could move on.

And another quote from Face of Boo:
"Limerence is the state of loving someone you can't get and it's often strongly subject to fantasy (not necessarily sexual)."


I respectfully disagree with both of these definitions. Limerance is an obsessive need and preoccupation, always wanting to be together and hoping your feelings are requited, probably fantasising about a future together, BUT sometimes both people feel it for each other mutually, and that is not stalking, obsession, or a person you can't get.

Of course, you can also experience limerance if the other person doesn't, and you don't have to "stalk" them - you could just think of them constantly, crave the next encounter etc. That's maybe "a mega-serious and debilitating crush". Stalking is not part of limerance but could be the way a certain person deals with their need to be constantly with that other fabulous person.

That would be a limerick.

I think the connotative meaning of what I said was more negative than what I meant.

I see a somewhat variable bundle of emotions including attraction, desire, speculation, and anticipation that produce a powerful group of sensations that people often call "falling in love". It can be painful to make life changing decisions based on ephemeral emotional sensations. The idea of "falling in love" brings with it the possibility of "falling out of love". I would consider limerance to be a sub-category of the whole spectrum of initial emotional sensations one can have. I can see where the inability to bring it to fruition might be able to sustain an emotional tension that could prolong the sensations, but I can't see where it would be healthy.

I would suggest that real and lasting love is the result of something that is built through making an investment in another person. An example might be the love of a mother for her child. This love is self-sacrificing and carries with it all the heartache of the natural selfishness of children.

Limerence happens when you never ask the person out. You'll quickly see how it fades when you do happen to go out with them and see who they really are, instead of holding on to this fantasy of what they might be like.

THIS! I like this explanation.

Ok, so what I'm getting from this discussion is that limerance can be likened to the begining of starting to feel "in love" and can turn into something more if you develop a relationship with the other person and you build it together. If reciprocated it leads to something more, but only if you can both take it forward.

However, it is limerance when you never take it any further, due to shyness or circumstances, you never get any further, but continue to cultivate your affectionate feelings for this person through idealizing them and fantasizing about them, but it never develops into a real healthy relationship, but rather becomes a place you wallow in.

Have you noticed a certain pattern in this thread, OP?

Maybe it's too early to tell tho...

I think i can relate to this. I have been in relationships in the past where i was attracted to things i had projected on to my partner rather than who she was. it was only after we broke up that i realized i had been in love with a phantom the whole time. Is this limerance?

I've experienced limerence many, many times, and here's how it goes for me:

I start to like a guy, usually when he makes a comment in passing.

I'll stare at him a lot and maybe text or e-mail him a lot.

I get really shy around him in person, even avoidant.

I start to see things he does as signs that he likes me back.

I'll daydream a lot about the guy, although I'll never actually approach him.

It usually lasts anywhere from a couple of months to several years or more.

So there's a clear pattern, but at least I know when it happens and what the triggers are. i'm not sure why this happens to me; all I know is that I've never been in a real relationship. I know the difference between what's in my head and what's reality. Too bad I can't stop it from happening...

it tells you in this video..limerence is an unrequited crush on steroids

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Wl4PzsSm54[/youtube]