Is it too soon?

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As some of you may remember me mentioning, my fiance was killed by a drunk driver last August. We had known each other for 1.5 years when he was killed, been dating for a little over a year, had been "in love" for about 6 months, and were planning to spend the rest of our lives together.

He's now been gone over 5 months, and I am soooooo lonely. What I miss most (in rough order of intensity):

1. Our conversations - neither one of us were socially skilled, but together we exchanged the most stimulating, witty/funny banter I've ever experienced.
2. Our physical relationship - both the sexual and the non-sexual parts. We were always touching, holding hands, kissing, "petting" each other. We were almost always touching in some way if we were in the same room together.
3. The things we did together - traveling, riding motorcycles, building things, watching cool sci-fi TV series on DVD, sitting and reading together.

The legal process for the driver of the car that killed him is just getting underway (he wasn't even arrested until mid-December). This could take up to a year to complete, if he pleads "not guilty." I will be deeply involved in the process, mostly in support of my fiance's family (who has become my family, as well).

I know that I can no longer be "in love" with my fiance, since "in love" (IMO) describes a state that exists between TWO people. If one of them is gone, it can no longer exist. I definitely still love him, and always will, but I'm not exactly young, and I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. I believe (and my therapist agrees) that I am in the final stage of grief, the "acceptance" stage, and that I'm ready to move forward with my life, even though I will be forever tied to my late fiance through his family.

My fiance was a few years older than me and was always certain he would die before me, so he always made me promise not to "waste time grieving" when he was gone and to get on with my life immediately. Of course, he didn't expect to die THIS soon, and certainly not this way.

Does it seem too soon for me to "get back out there" and start looking?

I think it's more when you feel comfortable doing so.

That is something that only you can answer.

I didn't see that story, I am really sorry. I hope that he is found guilty.

As to your question; only you can answer that.

My heart goes out to you(((hugs)))
I hope you find a loving relationship when you feel you are ready.

Eureka, I am so sorry to hear of your loss.

Be yourself. Don't put a timer on what's right or wrong for others. It's you who matters.

The only thing I could have suggested is you get therapy, but you said you are already, so that part is sorted.

All the best. (((((((( ))))))))

I feel so sorry for your loss

Are you worried about what your fiance's family might think?

A little. Although his mom has been one of the most vocal ones to repeatedly tell me "you're still young, you should get on with your life." Mostly I'm worried that whatever I'm going to have deal with relating to the trial is going to be an obstacle to forming a new relationship. I feel like I could be fully "present" in a new relationship, except for that.

Frankly, *I* wouldn't want to get involved with someone in my position; however, I suspect that the biggest obstacle is going to be finding someone with whom I would care to *have* a relationship. My fiance was really special, and I'm not going to be willing to settle for someone who is not equally remarkable. I think maybe it's this that is creating a slight feeling of urgency to start looking. It took me 55 years to meet someone as amazing as my fiance; I doubt that I'll stumble across another one any time soon.

(For the record, he was also an Aspie.....)

I am sorry for your loss.

If you have to ask then you probably need a little more time. Don't let anyone or any promises pressure you before you feel you are truly ready. In the meantime I hope you have lots of support. And personally I would suggest getting a pet so that you don't come home to an empty house, having something there that loves you and depends on you can be a great comfort.

Thanks, Halfmadgenius. I do have pets - 4 cats - and they are a bit of a comfort. I've contemplated getting a few more and officially becoming a crazy cat lady.

I have three cats and already everyone thinks of me as a crazy cat lady. They thought that even back when I was in a relationship.

Do not get more cats. Cats are very territorial and hate sharing space and humans. IT wouldn't be a kind thing to do. Just go ahead and keep looking for a guy. Maybe he won't be as good as your partner you lost but it may still be an ok pairing. It's not too early if you don't feel it's too early. This sort of thing is completely subjective and even if your fiance's family are upset about it in spite of themselves, it is your life, not theirs, you can't live your life to avoid upsetting them, it's wasteful of your happiness.

I think it's worth asking what risk you're taking if you start looking for someone new too soon. They're not negligible, but maybe they're not so bad that you shouldn't take the risk anyway.

Also, you may not ever feel ready before you take that step, because taking the step may in fact be an intermediate part of the process rather than its conclusion.

I've never experienced anything like this myself, though, so I can really only guess.

Haha! I was really kidding about the cats - four is plenty. Two indoor cats that I have kind of mostly on purpose, two outdoor cats that were strays that stuck around, and I'm a sucker for that sort of thing (and I live on a small farm, so there's plenty of rodents for them to keep under control).

I have poked around a couple of dating sites and ran across a couple of profiles that were intriguing, so I'm in the process of putting up a profile. I think maybe the way I react to actual contact may be a good way to "take my temperature" as far as how ready I am......

The biggest risk I fear is hurting someone else's feelings because I'm not "ready" yet...so I want to be careful how I describe myself and my situation so as not to mislead anyone.

The bolded part is very insightful. Hadn't thought of that, but I think it's an excellent point.

Even if you weren't in this situation, you might hurt someone else's feelings. Hurt feelings are the most likely outcome of dating, regardless of who you are.

I'd also say that love is opening yourself enough that someone else may hurt you, but also trusting that they won't. When you open yourself up to the possibility of love, you open yourself up to that risk.