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ZaphodsCloset
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17 Jan 2014, 11:53 am

In dealing with my AspieFriend Marvin, who says he wants to know when he's off-putting, it would be easier if I could refer to a list of guidelines.

Otherwise it sounds like I'm just making things up, and he can think of plenty of examples where people didn't complain about the same thing, and it really should work better that way.



aspiemike
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17 Jan 2014, 12:16 pm

I really don't know what to tell you. Chances are he will be himself when noone complains and is happy. But one bad experience and one person giving him a "creep" label will guarantee he will hide in his shell for a while. That's saying his self-esteem and anxiety issues aren't under control.


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hurtloam
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17 Jan 2014, 1:20 pm

I've never seen such a list. I've read books on manners, but they are pretty useless because most human beings have bad manners and think people with good manners are stuffy and weird, so that didn't work.

This site has been recommended on this forum before. I think it's pretty good:

A free detailed guide on how to improve social skills, from a former shy, awkward guy


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KingofKaboom
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17 Jan 2014, 2:12 pm

I tell people to stop me when it's really egregious. Some things bother SOME people, others are more relaxed and used to "weird" behavior. Just tell him about the really bad stuff, like BO, dirty clothes, whatever affects most people negatively. He can't please everyone sadly.


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Willard
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17 Jan 2014, 4:11 pm

I would recommend that he find friends who don't think his personality is "off-putting."

And I would strongly recommend that he never, ever, ride in a motor vehicle with John Travolta.



leafplant
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17 Jan 2014, 5:36 pm

Willard wrote:

And I would strongly recommend that he never, ever, ride in a motor vehicle with John Travolta.


?



ZaphodsCloset
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17 Jan 2014, 7:36 pm

hurtloam wrote:
This site has been recommended on this forum before. I think it's pretty good:

A free detailed guide on how to improve social skills, from a former shy, awkward guy

:Grin: I sent him that, last week. He says it's helpful.

Unfortunately, the site doesn't cover things like:
- over-talking
- over-writing
- verbal tactics to avoid (e.g. countering, minimising, one-upping, analysing, turning topic to oneself, etc.) even though socially non-awkward people seem to get away with them all the time
- recognising and accepting one's current place in social-desirability hierarchy; realistic options for improving that
- open displays of loneliness being counter-productive

And I didn't see body odor etc covered, but I might have skimmed the site too quickly.



accountinglad
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23 Jan 2014, 4:59 pm

Unfortunately there as so many non verbal things which would be hard to pinpoint



accountinglad
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23 Jan 2014, 5:50 pm

Unfortunately there as so many non verbal things which would be hard to pinpoint



EchoNOLA
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23 Jan 2014, 6:08 pm

By all means if you find such a mythical list as this... please send it to me post-haste.



animalcrackers
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24 Jan 2014, 12:27 am

Social guidelines vary by social group and social setting. That's part of what makes them so difficult.


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KingofKaboom
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24 Jan 2014, 1:15 am

I find with practice anyone can pick up on body language. It is a language it's just harder to interpret. If you want to teach your friend that sit him down and practice different faces and movements and explain what they mean.


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MrBackward
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24 Jan 2014, 10:23 am

The definitive list of do's and dont's in social interactions; you would make a fortune with something that like that if it was applicable in all situations.
Too many variables to nail it all down but a favourite from my personal log:
Don't stand in the corner when in a night club (where I am from drug dealers stand in the corner).


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thewhitrbbit
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24 Jan 2014, 10:29 am

There are some books for social skills learning as well as manners books.

Amazon has some good selections.



Georgia
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24 Jan 2014, 4:33 pm

I found this book very helpful:

A Field Guide to Earthlings: An autistic/Asperger view of neurotypical behavior
by Ian Ford

It explains "typical" behavior in a way that you don't feel guilty for not getting it on your own. (Rare, I know…)

Then it explains how you are expected to respond, without pressure to comply.

I use it a lot, as I am "surrounded" 10+ hours per day usually :cyclopsani:


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