How to say "I care about your problems?"

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I'm not confident that any of my methods are appropriate.

If I say I've experienced the same problem, and understand how they feel – I'm making it about me.

If I say "oh no, that's really awful" – I make them feel worse about it.

If I say "I'm sorry that happened" – they see it as empty words, and/or unwanted pity.

What else is there? I honestly don't know!

I think all your sentences could be okay. If I care about one´s problems and want to show it, I often say something like this and then add something, for example: "I know how you feel, I had the same experience. It helped me to... Maybe you can try it, too?"
or: "oh no, that´s really awful but what do you think could help? We could try to solve it together." Another method is asking for details because that shows that you are interested and care about the problem and try to understand it.

As you can see, I often start with those sentences but then try to say something individual about their problems and I always try to help them with solving the problems or giving them ideas what they could do because I hope that´s more helpful than just saying: "I am sorry." (I hate this "I am sorry"-sentence, so I rarely use it and rather choose one of your other examples.)

Thanks for the replies! That makes a lot of sense... All of my approaches are potentially good, but need to be personalized in a way that brings the focus back to the person having the problem.

And I definitely need to do a better job of asking questions. I generally avoid it because I'm afraid of asking a rude or inappropriate question, or coming across as nosy or 'prying'.

It's such a delicate balance – and sometimes I honestly think the other person isn't forgiving enough. Because honestly, if I'm having a problem and someone even tries to say something nice to me, I'm grateful for their effort, and I don't blame them for not knowing the perfect thing to say!

I never know what to say because I have a sarcastic tone in my voice. So I just don't say anything, I leave it up to everyone else and I just carry on with business as usual.

I do try in my own little way though.

If you have actually experienced the same feeling or situation that your friend is in, you could say: "I've been there, and it sucked. I'm sorry this is happening to you." "I've been there and it hurts; I'm sorry you're going through this..." "You know, I went through something like that, too. It was really hard." Give them a chance to respond. They might ask you for advice, or they may just need to keep talking to vent and share their feelings. Most people just want someone to listen to them and to feel empathized with, so prompting them to continue to share with you and that you understand how they feel will allow them to feel supported, heard, and understood.

When my dog died this summer, people said all kinds of things that were insensitive and thoughtless. What I really wanted to hear was "I have no idea how you're feeling right now, but I do know you're hurting. I'm here if you feel like talking about it." I didn't need someone to relate to my experience, I just needed someone to listen, without judgement, and without advice.

Every situation is different. It takes time to learn when to share your own story and when to just offer to listen and be there. If you have a specific situation, I can try to give you specifics details?

I hope this helps a little... <3

Thanks again for the input! I'm realizing that one of my biggest problems was that I honestly thought I understood how the other person felt, but now I realize that I have alexithymia and poor Theory of Mind, and I actually don't understand other people's feelings very well at all.

So I was just making people feel insulted and marginalized by claiming that I understood what they were going through. (Even though I'd been through the same thing myself...? I still don't quite get it, but that's why I'm dumb!)

Anyway, in the future I am not going to presume that I know how anyone feels, and I'll leave my own irrelevant feelings and experiences out of it. Instead of trying to step up to the plate as a sympathetic person who truly understands, I will meekly step back and just say "I'm sorry you're feeling bad", and leave the true sympathizing to someone more qualified than me.

(That probably came out sounding more bitter than I meant for it to... Honestly I'm okay with all this, it's just a surprise to learn that I'm really so awful at this! It's like thinking you're a great singer all your life, and then finally you realize you're tone deaf, and terrible at it... Oops!)

You're not dumb! No one actually knows what it feels like to be another person, or to feel someone else's feelings. If I tell someone my dog died, and they say "Oh, I know how you feel...my dog died last summer and I cried for weeks" they do not know how I feel. Many people try to connect to another person in this way, but some people will find this invalidating. If that same person says "My dog died, and I cried for weeks, it was devastating" that statement expresses their feelings while allowing me an opening to share my feelings if I so desire without being pushy or making it about "them".

Have you seen the Harry Potter films? There is a scene in the 5th movie with Luna Lovegood and Harry Potter that I can describe if you're interested that might be useful. Please let me know if you're interested and I'll be happy to explain.

If you truly don't know how someone is feeling, but you care about this person and their feelings, the best thing you can do (in my opinion) is to let them know, perhaps, by saying something like this: "I'm so sorry you're hurting right now. Is there anything I can do; is there anything you need?" Sometimes, they won't know what they want or need, and that's ok, because now they know that you care and that they can count on you. If they know what they need, they can tell you, for example "I just want to talk about it," or "It helps to have you here."

You are not dumb! You just haven't learned these skills yet. If someone shows you a telephone and asks you to make a phone call, but you've never seen a telephone before, should I expect you know how to use it? No, of course not! We're all learning. Thank you for caring enough to learn <3

Thanks snowy, I would love to hear the Harry Potter example – I remember that he and Luna understood each other in a way that others didn't!

Well the reality of my life is that I don't interact with many people at all, and the people I'm close to understand that I'm not great at understanding other people's emotions, so it's okay. So everyone else that I would be potentially offering sympathy to – they're people I barely even know, so a short, polite expression of sympathy would probably be the most appropriate anyway.

I'm a slow learner, but I'm making progress, so I guess that's what counts!

Ashariel,

I am so sorry I have not written you back until now!

In the movie The Order of The Phoenix, in one of the last scenes in the film, Luna says to Harry "I'm sorry about your Godfather, Harry." Luna's words are simple, straightforward, and very Luna-like. To convey her emotion, without words or much facial expression, Luna takes Harry's hand to show him her support and affection/caring.

I am not sure of the rules on this site, if it is permissible to post links to articles or youtube video links? If it is, I can post you a link to the scene I am referring to from youtube, and to an article that talks about Luna and aspergers. In any case, whether Luna has aspergers or not, her message was clear to Harry: I care about you, and I'm here for you.

I give you credit for not giving up; how quickly we learn may not be in our control, but whether or not we give up is. Thank you for inspiring me to never give up <3

Thank you snowy – I do remember that scene, it was really sweet!

Well I will do my best in the future to just keep it simple, and pray it doesn't offend... Thanks so much for the feedback on this everyone!