Your real underlying issues.

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hale_bopp
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08 Feb 2014, 5:19 am

This is a thread aimed at people who think they would be grossly miserable without a GF or whatever.

Is that the real problem?

An example: I am obsessed with looking perfect. Obsessed to the point where I would consider surgery on at least 10 places on my face and body. Is this because I look terrible? No, it is not. It's my way of compensating for the fact that I find it extremely hard to make friends. "Hey, at least if I have hardly any friends, at least I look good" etc.

Past traumas often make these insecurities manifest. School and internet people damaged me to the point of developing this obsession. THOSE are the issues I need to work through, IT CANT BE FIXED BY SURGERY.

The same is probably true with your dating issues.

Thoughts?



sly279
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08 Feb 2014, 5:26 am

i can't answer as i don't have gf,

sorry you feel that way though :( from what i remember you look good.

i think i might get surgery if i had the money, i don't know what i'd do though i guess just let the doctor do what he thinks would help.

whats that link in your sig?



i_wanna_blue
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08 Feb 2014, 5:48 am

You could say that i'm insecure about how i look, and that would be true, since i have had a lot of horrible moments related to that issue. but i think it goes even deeper than that. is that issue autism related? i'm not sure. is it a personality disorder? i just can't say...

deep down i feel weak, i feel defective. this was long before i ever looked in a mirror or noticed what others see. there's little drive in me to want to have people around me or to want people to like me, or to be like them. i wouldn't mind having people liking me, but it's not something i have a natural inclination for. just being around people makes me uncomfortable. i often ask myself the question "let's say you're exactly the way you want to look... and then what?" yes, my insecurities around people would subside, which would be great, but will i actually go up to a woman and talk to her? the answer is 'no'. would i leave the house all the time and get a new car, and wear fancy clothes, and hope i can be accepted by everyone, as just another one of them? again it would be 'no'.

i would still be painfully shy and avoidant. so i guess the real issue is why am i that way? to be honest i say i long for a partner but i don't think i can handle anything more than a woman looking at me and just liking me in some way. will i be able to converse with her, live with her, or even marry her? i don't think so. well, not yet anyway. that's why i guess i find it easier to be a loner.


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NTGuyBR
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08 Feb 2014, 6:40 am

hmmm . I have a bit of this obsession, Hale Bopp.

I have low self-esteem due to have suffered bullying in my teens and early adulthood because of my overweight ( people laughed especially my breasts ) .

Today my physique is a little better , but I'm saving up for surgery.

However , I know that does not mean the solution of my relationship problems , the fact of taking chunks of skin and flesh of my body will let me physically attractive but will not miraculously cure my shyness and do not give me the necessary social skills .. . It will be only the first step in a long road .


In my case, getting make me physically beautiful but alone would not be a victory. (Well, do not miss sex, but I'm thinking of something beyond that)

I suffer for not having had the luck to find someone who did not care about my appearance AND love me. The first item I got , but the second ... If I had found this person , nor think more surgery.


PS : Hale Bopp > I saw your face at least on youtube , and there really is no need for surgery on someone so beautiful . :wink:


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Uprising
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08 Feb 2014, 7:50 am

hale_bopp wrote:
This is a thread aimed at people who think they would be grossly miserable without a GF or whatever.

Is that the real problem?

An example: I am obsessed with looking perfect. Obsessed to the point where I would consider surgery on at least 10 places on my face and body. Is this because I look terrible? No, it is not. It's my way of compensating for the fact that I find it extremely hard to make friends. "Hey, at least if I have hardly any friends, at least I look good" etc.

Past traumas often make these insecurities manifest. School and internet people damaged me to the point of developing this obsession. THOSE are the issues I need to work through, IT CANT BE FIXED BY SURGERY.

The same is probably true with your dating issues.

Thoughts?

Sounds legit, but it's a bit too late to personally do all of that now in my own case.



b9
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08 Feb 2014, 8:00 am

i do not have any underlying issues.



Soccer22
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08 Feb 2014, 8:59 am

I'm not insecure about my looks. I know I'm not that pretty. But people my age are starting to look 30 or 40 years old and I haven't looked like I aged. I love that I'm staying youthful looking compared to them.

Sorry you're insecure about your looks. But what I've learned is there will always be people prettier and uglier than you. There's like a billion people in this world to compare yourself to. You'll always find someone uglier. But who cares if they're ugly or if you think you are.
All that matter is that you're a nice person.

Let me tell you a little story. This girl I know had a flesh eating bacteria that ate away half her face. People think she's now creepy or weird looking but guess what? She has a boyfriend, friends, and she's about to get her college degree. She's got everything anyone could ever want because she's smart, nice, and confident.

So the moral of this story is to be nice and confident no matter how you look, and you'll get far.



appletheclown
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08 Feb 2014, 9:17 am

Ha, this is getting amusing.

Halebopp, is isn't like Fnord, Geekonychus, or Who am I haven't repeated this over and over again.

Others, like I (maybe only me, I will admit this), prefer to find our friends
in the trades/crafts/hobbies we pursue. This may even be a hobby-job, like machining.
The smell of petrol, roar of an engine, and the sweet sight of a happy lady-smith is a sight few
machinists can resist. An eccentric smarty pants is more likely to be interested, but all the other
ladies will be along the way. Life isn't a rush, that is what they need to learn.

Nobody marries a desperate man, or woman for that matter.


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NTGuyBR
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08 Feb 2014, 9:33 am

Soccer22 wrote:

[...]

Let me tell you a little story. This girl I know had a flesh eating bacteria that ate away half her face. People think she's now creepy or weird looking but guess what? She has a boyfriend, friends, and she's about to get her college degree. She's got everything anyone could ever want because she's smart, nice, and confident.

So the moral of this story is to be nice and confident no matter how you look, and you'll get far.


I agree with you. And let me tell you another thing.

When I go out on the street, usually I see very beautiful girls with men less beautiful than me. So I'm sad to see this. They are not rich, they are normal guys who should certainly be more confident and interesting than I


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aspiemike
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08 Feb 2014, 10:08 am

One of my underlying issues was I was mixed up with the wrong crowds of people before. As a result, any time I ever expressed myself usually resulted in "Dude, that's gay" or "Do you want people to think you're a loser?" Yes, I had interests that didn't mix well with some friends and they didn't like that so much it seemed (I actually remember wanting to learn some dances growing up).
Of course, things went that way when I got older and friends that didn't used to be pushy with their ideas became friends that I didn't usually see unless we were drinking. When coming up with ideas other than video games, bars, clubs, or drinking (other than basketball which I didn't enjoy as much as they did), it didn't seem to pan out. Sick and tired of having any ideas I had turned down (even on my birthday), I gave up and started looking for new friends.

I kind of know that may play an underlying issue: believing that my ideas for fun won't be interesting enough for others. I have been proven wrong on that in the last year in that I will find people to do salsa dancing with, and others will go hiking with me. It's compartmentalizing your friends as well as not all of them want to do the same things.


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Kurgan
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08 Feb 2014, 10:26 am

Society makes fun of men who've never had a girlfriend, and a girlfriend would validate a man's self-worth. I used to obsess over it and finally lost my virginity shortly before my 21. birthday. Sex isn't as big of a deal as someone makes it out to be, but there's stuff that's more enjoyable than sex (the Fallout games, for instance). I'm not saying that people should remain abstinent and completely give in to loneliness or something similar, though.

I obsess over getting built (although I prefer powerlifting to bodybuilding) and a lot of that has to do with loneliness, bullying in school, and being belittled by my father growing up. Nevertheless, what all this has taken from me, lifting weights has given me back.



Caleban
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08 Feb 2014, 10:47 am

most aspies underlying issues are meeting the wrong people and not putting themselves out there.



EmeraldGreen
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08 Feb 2014, 11:29 am

NTGuyBR wrote:


PS : Hale Bopp > I saw your face at least on youtube , and there really is no need for surgery on someone so beautiful . :wink:


10 places? I doubt surgery will get you where you want to go emotionally but building up self-confidence will, over time.


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amazon_television
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08 Feb 2014, 12:14 pm

What's crazy is that the degree to which I trip about my appearance is directly related to how good I look in the first place.

I'm hardly a model or something but I'm a reasonably good looking guy when I'm in shape, I'm like 5'8" or 5'9" and 5 years ago I was a fairly ripped 155 pounds, totally dialed in. I stressed about my appearance 24/7, not what I'd call an "obsession" but it significantly affected my day to day thought processes. I lived with my parents at the time, and spent the majority of my paychecks on clothes and s**t. Back then I had no semblance of a girlfriend but I rolled with a blazing hot "f**k buddy" from time to time who was a total disaster and I had no intention whatsoever of dating her. Sex is a good thing in general but this was basically hollow and weird, emotionally it was a pretty strange scene.

I went to grad school halfway across the country and school and work became a priority and I totally "let myself go", in the last 4 1/2 years I've gained 40 pounds, and while I wish I was in better shape (at this point more so for the increased energy I would have, rather than my appearance, but admittedly both are factors) it's not something I stress about for a second. At this point I have an awesome girlfriend, a legit job (and starting an even better one in a couple weeks) and an actual direction in life etc. I definitely have my issues (first and foremost I am basically a functional alcoholic) but it is what it is and I can't really imagine being happier.

To be clear, I'm not suggesting that you or anyone else compromises their health and "lets go", it's correlation not causation at best, but that's been my semi-relevant experience within the scope of the discussion.

The postscript is that I still have most of the awesome clothes but hardly any of it fits :lol: Maybe someday, but whatever.


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leafplant
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08 Feb 2014, 12:18 pm

The immense number of dumb people out there.