My uncle had a stroke and I don't feel anything......

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I got a text from my mom last night saying my uncle had a stroke. She said that his right side was affected and it was taking him an hour to say a single word. Literally, my first thought was "Well, can he write or type since he can't really talk?" I didn't think "OMG, that's horrible!", or anything like that. I feel bad that I don't really feel anything about it. I never know how to respond to news like that. I replied a few hours later asking if there was any new news because I know I should be concerned.

I'm pretty sure (I hope) I would feel differently if it were an immediate family member. I was in the room when my grandma died. I didn't really react at all when the nurse said she was gone until I saw my mom crying and she hugged me. Then I started crying, but it wasn't really because my grandma had just died. I think it was from seeing how everyone else reacted to it.

Anyone else feel this way when something happens to someone else? Anyone feel bad about not feeling bad?

Last edited by jetbuilder on 10 Feb 2014, 1:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Yes, I too get this.

Six or seven months ago I was informed that my aunt & cousin had been found dead in their Texas apartment with knife wounds, and I reacted with "Hmm, I wonder what could have gone on there?".

Then I proceeded to work out how and why this could have happened.

It doesn't mean that we don't care, don't worry about it.

Yes, my grandfather just died, and I was a little upset but not because he died, it was my mother crying that upset me. I just don't feel anything for people that aren't very involved in my day-to-day life. Sometimes I feel very heartless

I think that's pretty normal. Surely your mother would feel much more attachment if it was her brother.

Aunts and uncles are really very peripheral figures in most people's day to day lives and it wouldn't make sense to feel big waves of emotion for people you don't know that well.

Hmmmmm... I don't think I can relate to this. If a friend told me their uncle had a stroke, it would be a little hard for me to have the appropriate response because I didn't know the person. But if it's a family member, It does bother me to hear sad news. I may not say the appropriate things, but I ask a lot of questions because I need to wrap my mind around what I'm being told. Asking questions is the way I show I care I think. I cry when death happens in my immediate family because death is final, there's no going back and no more chances for you to speak with that person again. That really makes me sad.

A sense of numbness is a typical reaction to a tragedy for some, and can come at different stages. It's often because you're initially not able to comprehend what has happened and will feel differently about it later. Even NTs can initially react that way. Everyone reacts to death differently so there's nothing to be ashamed of if you feel that way now. Furthermore aspies are evem known to laugh at inappropriate times, much to the dismay of NTs. It doesn't necessarily imply a callous lack of feelings for someone; it's just difficult for us to come to terms with something passing away and react to it conventionally.

I have a cousin that treats me like I have the plague no matter how nice, supportive, etc I am to him and his family. I am puzzled as to why and can only assume I didn't grieve the loss of his father (my uncle and my father's younger brother). I simply felt nothing, likely because we weren't close even though looking back he has many Aspie traits (computer nerd, introverted, intelligent) but he never really liked or accepted me. I do feel bad about not feeling bad but I simply didn't feel sadness (or anything) when he passed away. I did feel bad but not until a couple years later and that was more to do how I could have come across as indifferent. My honesty kills me yet again.

I react the same way, without emotions. I'm learning to just accept it, and not beat myself up over it.

One of the reason we have week or no empathy towards others is because of are inability(or week ability.) to emotionally bond with other people. Are autism create a bubble around us that blocks of filters out most of those feeling and makes emotional attachment to others next to imposable. Don't ever think for a second that because you can't show empathy means you are less human.

You just have a different way of reacting. If you just went on to your business without another thought then it would be no empathy. Even the OP gave it thought, He posted here.

To the OP and to all those in this discussion whose relatives have passed my condolences.
By the way I had to edit this post to add the condolences part. It was far from my first thought. as it would be for most NT's

Last edited by ASPartOfMe on 10 Feb 2014, 2:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.

No need to worry, Just a question but has anyone else had problems with NT thinking we actually don't care?

I find this very interesting and would like to learn more about this hypothesis. I haven't been able to find very much information about difficulty bonding in people with ASD's. Most of the information I've found is about reactive attachment disorder in children. If anyone knows more about this I would greatly appreciate more information.

I have problems like the OP and actually do have some difficulty "feeling" others pain. It seems like the few people I am bonded to are the only people I'm capable of caring about. It also seems very difficult if not impossible for me to establish new bonds. I feel like I'm faking normal emotional responses in attempts to fit in in situations like the OPs. My normal reaction isn't to relate, it's to problem solve.

Is this related to ASD's or is it a separate trait that's on it's own unrelated spectrum?

Have you seen Kubler-Ross' stages? I think you're in shock.

I'm the same way. I don't form bonds with people, can't feel emotionally close to people, and don't feel other people's pain. In my case it's definitely not Reactive Attachment Disorder; I had a stable home and loving parents, and I've been this way since I was a toddler.

I have all the symptoms of Schizoid Personality Disorder (in addition to autism), and both conditions seem to just be something you're born with. Personally I don't mind it though – it's just how I am, and I'm happy being intensely solitary, so I don't see a problem with it!

i am in the same boat, 3 years ago my grandmother passed then after the 3 or 4 months of her passing, My cousin was found dead, then the next summer my uncle (grandmother brother) died. I am starting to feel numb and getting use to my family members dying, just this pass week a cousin of ours died. Its kinda bothersome because I don't want people to think I am different if the next one will be my mother, friend, etc.

I remember something in Malcolm X's autobiography. He said that the difference between NOI, and Christian funerals, is that christian funerals are for the living, while NOI funerals were for the dead. What he meant by this, as far as I remember, was that the point of a christian funeral was for the guests to wallow in their tradition of group emotionalism and ostentatious suffering, while the NOI funeral is about making sure the last wishes, and the family of the deceased are taken care of. I do prefer the way the NOI handles things.

Last edited by Stannis on 17 Feb 2014, 8:19 am, edited 2 times in total.