8yr old Daughter fixated with classmate

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I don't normally ask for advice here but recently my 8 yr old HFA daughter has started showing signs she likes to make friends.
The problem here is that she fixates on them and doesn't give them space to breath or tolerate them talking or playing with other children. There was a ADHD boy in her class last year whom she did this with. The teachers made sure they were put in separate classes this year.

In the last two weeks her new teacher paired my daughter with another girl (who happens to be an Aspie) and they become friends. My daughter has become fixated with her and follows her around and starts to imitate her a lot. After initiating their friendship the teacher and integration aide now separate them because they now claim my daughter is too fixated with the Aspie girl. Yesterday my daughter had a meltdown and lashed out because she could not understand why she was not allowed to play with her little friend. (ironically the other girl also asks to play with my daughter).

The teacher who has only known my daughter for two weeks complained to me yesterday saying that my daughter should consider getting her behavior under control and would I consider putting her in a special school for a year to undergo ABA etc and return back when she is able to interact with the other kids?

Now given my daughter is academically bright (she's the top student in her class in math) and has not had any problems for about a year, is the teacher in the right to ask me to consider moving her from the school when they were the ones who initiated the pairing of my daughter with the other girl?

From the sounds of it, your daughter's teacher isn't really putting in much of an effort to really learn how to adapt to her needs. It sounds like your daughter and her friend both want to be friends with one another, and that's great, so why separate them? Back when I was in school, I had many issues with my teachers trying to screw things up for me just because they thought it would somehow help me out. They should be glad your daughter is actually making an attempt at being social.

They should be teaching her to manage the friendship with moderation, assuming that the issues are there. If the other girl is not annoyed by the fixation I am assuming the issue for the teacher is that they talk too much when together or something of that type. I would find out exactly what the specific issues are and if your daughter has a Behavioral Intervention Plan, have something added to it regarding this.

(My son has a fixation "friend" last year, and it was poorly managed, but if that was the only issue I think it would have been managed OK, eventually b/c that is not too hard to figure out depending on the behavioral issues if any surrounding it.)

I think the teacher was frustrated, it sounds more like an impulsive voicing of frustration than that your district would actually pay for a very expensive school. You could always ask, say you are unsure, but is this actually something they would consider? The decision makers, not just one teacher.

The teacher sounds in need of support if some sort to understand what to do. I would wonder what I or the district could do to remedy teacher's information deficit.

I would definitely be having a chat with the principal if a teacher said something like that to me. To me, those comments display a stunning ignorance, laziness, and intolerance.


My son (8) also fixates on children with whom he wants to be friends. Usually, they are friends for a while but then end up disliking him and being mean to him. However, he has never been fortunate enough to have an Aspie friend. I agree with others here - this is a great opportunity for both girls to learn how to manage a friendship. Separating them serves no purpose other than to make life easier for the teachers. They should be together, and the fixation managed through social skills lessons. A friend is such a valuable, hard-to-attain asset for an Aspie! Why would anyone want to deny them that?

SNORT!

Seriously! Your daughter should consider getting her behavior under control? As if it is a willful decision to have her behavior out of control? Because she likes to have problems in school. And interacting with kids.

Gotta love that kind of ignorance.

The school psychologist works with my daughter 1:1 for social issues like this. He meets with her regularly in his office and is called to her classroom as issues arise. He consults with her teacher to help her problem solve how to manage her behavioral issues. If your daughter is succeeding academically, and the problem is that the teacher is uncomfortable with her behavior (it doesn't sound like the other girl is), then it would seem to me that the school should be utilizing their resources to support her, not suggesting that she need to be shipped off elsewhere. She has a right to be in the least restrictive environment. Until they have tried to support her where she already is, then talking about sending her elsewhere seems premature to me.

My daughter is 8, too, btw. This is a tough age. When she was really young, she was withdrawn, but then she became much more interactive. Now that the social landscape is getting a lot trickier, it seems like she is coping by withdrawing again. This was also an age that was really hard for my son. I feel for you.

You are in the US, right?

The teacher is way out of line suggesting that your DD should be sent to a special school. I have 2 acronyms that teacher needs to learn - ADA, Americans with Disabilities Act and FAPE Free and Appropriate Public Education. The teacher's comments and actions appear to be treading on the rights that you and your DD are guaranteed under the ADA. Hopefully there are other staff members at the school you can talk to about having the appropriate supports put in place. Ultimately it is up to you to decide if her current placement is the best thing for her or if she would be better off in a different setting. As others have said, the friendship with the other girl in class could be an excellent learning opportunity for both girls.

While I understand that teachers want to teach and not to deal with the social difficulties of an ASD child, if there are aids in the room the situation should be manageable. The job of the aids IS to deal with the social difficulties of the ASD child, isn't it? Nor am I under the impression that obsession is the sort of thing ABA can resolve, so what would be the point?

I'm going to run off on a bit of a tangent and I don't know if these thoughts could be made to fit the situation or not: I think sometimes that our kids need to experience a few natural consequences to get the message on why they need to modify behavior. My son, for example, went through a phase of creating fake background stories for some of his game ideas so that his friends would be more willing to try them. But he soon found himself in the giant tangle that happens when you try to perpetuate a lie and that got him off lying permanently. And the thing about having an ASD friend is that the friend is pretty likely to tell you daughter outright and none too politely when her behavior bothers her. Would that be such a bad thing? Exactly what issues were occurring that made the teachers want so desperately to stall the friendship? How serious are those issues? Are they conflicts the girls could be allowed to play out?

These kinds of lessons are going to be long, hard slogs for your daughter but she isn't going to absorb them by avoiding them.

Thanks everyone, I didn't expect so many replies so I'll try and address as many in this reply...

Yes agreed - the teacher is clearly responding out of convenience for herself rather than making an effort to develop strategies

Yes, you would think that given the other little girl aslo does not have friends that this friendship should be nurtured

The other girl is an Aspie and is much more verbal than my daughter who is HFA but both girls have access to an integration aide in class, I spoke with the aide and she says the friendship is mutual but that the concern was over my daughter becoming fixated with the Aspie girl rather than the other way around. They also have different personalities and competencies, my daughter is academically bright while the other little girl is struggling academically. My daughter tends to have a domineering personality (perhaps compounded by being an only child) while the other girl is very shy. Bottom line is they both like each other and the forced separation is making them anxious.

Update: Well the teacher has just advised me that my daughter and the other girl snuck away after lunch and played after the school bell had rung for the children to come back in. Their friendship has now been deemed as a danger to their safety as they could have left the school grounds. Where was the aide??

I've been asked to pay for a school psychologist to provide strategies to control my daughters impulsive/obsessive interaction with this girl!! I can't believe this....

I'm sorry, did you say what country you're in? In the US I don't think they would talk that way normally, because it comes across as a recommendation, to which I've been taught (US only) the response from parent would be something like "you'd like input from a psychologist, ok. I am in agreement. Do you need me to sign something? I don't understand, I trust you and since you feel this is needed please go ahead and set it up". If an American CSE recommends input from an educational psychologist, they pay.

That said, if you can pay, you have more control who and the person might be very capable and help the teachers do a better job. I sometimes had to stop my reaction over what seems wrong in terms of the procedure. There have been exceptions, but often, I have felt specialists I picked and paid for did much more for my children in helping them understand and function in the world. I know that is no help if you can't afford it, though.

Wow, this is awful. And as others have said, illegal in the US.

I don't know if this will help, but In my own experience, I've dealt with obsessions like this in two ways:

1) it's a powerful motivator, so get some control over access to the object of obsession, and then use it as a reinforcer. Since it is another child here, they could reinforce attention in class and following the rules with time spent together. This gives them a viable path towards getting that desire met, and they don't have to resort to other tactics like sneaking away. They could also build in play-time with other children as part of the demand that gets reinforced with play-time with the other girl. In this way your daughter could slowly learn to appreciate the value in multiple friends and not one exclusive friend. You could potentially help in this by getting in touch with the other girl's parents and arranging play-dates, contingent on good behavior at school. So if she behaves well with no complaints, she gets bonus time with her friend on the weekend. I would talk it over with the teachers too, just to make sure they understand the situation.

2) Cold turkey - there are times when an obsession is so overwhelming that the only solution is to remove the item from a person's life. This may be necessary if a child is unable to engage in other activities because they are so fixated on the obsession (some kids might script Barney for hours after they watched them). I don't see this as an option for your daughter, since she probably will wind up fixating on another student anyway, and really, what's wrong with wanting a friend?

I assume that this obsession is being driven by a need for friends. That need is healthy and appropriate and should not be discouraged. Limits may need to be placed on the relationship for her own benefit, but trying to end it completely, or force her to switch schools seems cruel and thoughtless. What is the end-game here? Your daughter gets to move to different schools, feel like she has no friends, become obsessed, then move again? That strategy clearly is not aimed at promoting your daughter's well-being. Instead, they are likely promoting a policy of convenience and cost-savings for the school.

CyberDad,

This totally seems like something my son's old school would have done. They failed to properly supervise, and they are turning the blame around to your child. They should be thanking their stars you have not threatened to sue them for failing to properly supervise. The aide was probably yammering with some other aide or teacher. I would definitely let them know you think the incident is their fault. (It is)

Now they have taken the friendship and turned it into a sort of forbidden fruit. That will increase the obsession. I agree, still that they need to be teaching and encouraging moderation. If the two girl's personalities are unsuitable, that should be discovered by them, so they can freaking learn how to pick friends. If they manage to do well despite their personality differences than maybe it will teach them something...

I would like to say the stupidity is unbelievable, but sadly it is not.

Yup. I arrived to pick DS up from kindergarten one day, only to find him running around all by himself outside the school. School acted like it was his fault for not staying in the hallway. Adults are supposed to provide supervision. Children don't supervise themselves.

Thanks everyone, the feedback has actually been very helpful.

Waterfalls I should say I'm in Australia and the laws here could be slightly different in relation to access to assistance from a psychologist. But I know the school has access to a education psychologist who works with schools in the region. So yes, why should I pay?

I think cold turkey might be the best option but the problem is the aide in classroom works with both girls and they both seek each other out. The other girl has two other friends in the class so she is not as dependent on this friendship as my daughter. I'm actually confused what the issue is the psychologist is supposed to address? is it the girl's safety? is it inappropriate interaction? is it obsessions? is is it general lack of compliance?

The teacher has asked me to email her so I asked her to put in writing why a psychologist is needed and why she has not involved the deputy principal (usually an outside professional can't enter school grounds with knowledge/permission of the principal's office). I think this is a case of a new teacher not really understanding school rules and not working closely enough with the aide. Also the aide seems to be streched thin with two girls to look after? actually I don't really know what the issue is as I get different stories on different days?

Once I get what the problem is in writing I can take the next step I guess.

Yes, moving schools is not an option at this stage as we have worked too hard to get my daughter integrated into the school system. Beyond this hiccup she's actually thriving (except for lack of socialization).

Ironically they would tell me that's why a special school is a better option as they can address my daughter's behavioral issues as mainstream schools are not designed to do this especially with lack of resources etc...despite this I know they receive government assistance which pays for the aide so they can come up with strategies if they get of their high horse.