barely-religious aspie dating a religious NT girl

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ak_born
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14 Feb 2014, 5:50 pm

I've never asked for personal advice from strangers, but I assume that someone on WP has experienced this before and might have some useful information.

I'm an aspie guy dating an NT girl who I like quite a bit, and we're both divorced and in our 30's. She is quite religious and expresses immediate/profound remorse after having physical intimacy but is prone to initiate intimacy again the next time we meet. It puzzles me to have a great physical connection and then witness profound emotional angst when there's supposed to be afterglow.

I've made the assumption that this is temporary as she discovers a balance between religious thought constructs and hormones/emotions, and I like her quite a bit. However, I was told my an NT friend that I may be dealing with a person unable to handle emotions (unstable) or who might be manipulating me emotionally.

Three questions:
1. Is this normal/temporary for a religious person finding balance between thought constructs and hormones?
2. Is this possibly a sign of permanent emotional instability?
3. How do I evaluate the relationship to make a well-reasoned conclusion?


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Tim_Tex
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14 Feb 2014, 6:33 pm

The hormonal and emotional constructs may not necessarily a religious thing, because even within a single religion, followers run the gamut from being abstinent until marriage to being all-out horndogs.

There's also the possibility that past experiences could be clouding her constructs. My advice would be to discuss things with her and go from there.


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V001
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14 Feb 2014, 9:06 pm

What you are seeing is what religious thinking does to a person. Sort of Ms Jekye and Ms hyde if you know what that means. She is of 2 minds in a drag it out fight in her mind. That split mind could be trouble.
Cognitive dissonance is the term in psychology, to talk about this having
two or more contradictory beliefs at the same time. I personaly would not put up
with the illlogical thinking but that is me.



cathylynn
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14 Feb 2014, 10:45 pm

I see no reason to think she is emotionally unstable. it is just mean to say she is manipulating you. this is part of who she is. if I were you, I'd express appreciation of her challenging herself by having sex in spite of religious taboos and be sympathetic about her dysphoria afterward.



aspiemike
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15 Feb 2014, 1:47 am

Is she a Christian, or is she Muslim? Buddhist or philosopher? Jewish? Hard to tell.

If she is anything like me and she just recently decided to go through religion, you are going to be like a baby growing spiritually. You will struggle with your old desires and will attempt to get out of your comfort zone while trying to become closer to God. However, there are plenty that are afraid to step out of their comfort zones because growing can be far too painful and stressful.

As a Christian, i have started to realize that being one has less to do with religion and more to do with developing a healthy and positive and open relationship with God. And yes, it's hard to do that without finding words of encouragement throughout the bible. Some of my favourite verses so far are about increasing your faith (The book of Mark has some great parables), and about how to change your words for others to be more positive and less hurtful (Check 1 Corinthians for some examples).

I find for me, the relationships start with God. From there, I can develop more healthy and normal and lasting relationships with other people from what I am starting to figure out. I have also noticed that the more I hold in the negative thoughts and don't confess them through prayer, the more it upsets me and brings me down as well.

I think it's possible that her relationship with God might be suffering (spiritual issue and relationship issue, definitely not manipulation or emotional issues). She likely hasn't prayed as much as she used to. And I don't think for a second that any of this is your fault. She makes her own choices as well. But are you willing to stick around if she decides to withdraw from sex and try for a more emotional relationship outside of sex?


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AngelRho
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15 Feb 2014, 9:27 am

Christian here.

Christian teaching place a high value on sexual purity. Christian teachings also point out how too often we fail to consistently hold to our values. She's having trouble reconciling enjoyment of sex (because she values intimacy) with values of sexual purity. She's a human being. She can't help it.

When I was younger, I had the same issue. I kept it mostly to myself, but it didn't make me feel less guilty about it. I eventually came to the conclusion that it wasn't ENTIRELY my fault, but rather just part of the world we live in. It's difficult at best for us to get married and engage in intimate relations that are "proper" when we are just old enough to responsibly enjoy that sort of thing, and it's unfair to expect young people to wait FOREVER before they're allowed to have sex…by the time they're "old enough" and have career/education goals behind them, they're not really that much in the mood for it anymore. We really do stack the odds against young people, and that is wrong.

So…

Even in the Old Testament sex is not forbidden. It's only if someone is engaged to be married that sex with anyone else is a problem. The traditional way to handle it is the young couple should get married, and if she's not a virgin on the wedding night (because HE deflowered her), the husband forfeits all rights to divorce. Well, heck, if they love each other, what's the problem? Sex really isn't THAT big a deal even in ancient times, and even now as Christians we shouldn't obsess over it. We should be compassionate and supportive, holding onto sexual purity as best we can, and acknowledging the fact we're plain, imperfect human beings. It's morally incorrect, period. End of story. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't show compassion and understanding when someone fails. Eventually I DID marry my partner, which renders the issue moot.

If you're not a believer and sex is what you expect from her, you may not be doing her any favors. If she has such a problem with it, regretting it afterwards, this may not be a very healthy relationship for either of you.



thewhitrbbit
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15 Feb 2014, 7:56 pm

It's difficult to say.

Some women will give in to their emotions then regret it. It's possible she believes sex outside of marriage is a sin.

Who knows.



Marcia
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15 Feb 2014, 9:33 pm

You really need to have this conversation with the woman herself. She's the only one who can answer your questions, and if you are close enough for sexual intimacy then you really should be close enough to talk about this.

There are many possible reasons for her feelings and reactions, and even she may not fully understand what's going on. You need to talk, and talk some more. Be open-minded and open-hearted.