SuperDyl wrote:
I guess it's just hard because I want to identify with having ADD or maybe Asperger's or just a regular person with these tendencies and I can't tell what I am. It irritates me that these disorders are so grey and not black and white. I guess I'll learn how to deal, but I think the reason I want to know is so that I can understand my behavior and get a better idea of who I am. Being told you are socially awkward when you don't realize it is hard for me to handle, maybe because I've always wanted to fit in and never considered having some type of ASD. I have always felt slightly different though. Anyways, now that I'm being myself, and not dealing with many outside people, my parent's think I'm depressed and that I need more socialization because "it's healthy". I have such a hard time explaining myself to them they don't take my word for it that I am okay. They say that experience tells them that people need to socialize more than I am currently in order to be healthy. My mom has offered for us to go to therapy together but explaining myself to a stranger would be even harder and I feel like I'll just ruin any chance of someone understanding me because I'll forget to say something or not say what I really want.
I've found that awareness can be a very powerful tool. Being told you are socially awkward is hard for you to handle? Why? In my experience, when someone does or says something that makes me upset, it's because they've uncovered something that is painful to me.
For example, at work I cleaned up an area, and this one girl who is just dreadful to be around came storming up front and said that I didn't do a good job and was slacking off. I got red in the face mad and wanted to punch her right in the nose. Why? Because she said something unkind? No. Think about it, what if she had said I look like a pink elephant? Would I care? No, but why? What's the difference? The difference is that on a deep level, I'm afraid of being inadequate and incompetent, when she told me that I was slacking off, she shed light on that fear and set me off. Do I have a fear that I look like a pink elephant? No, I don't, so if someone told me that I did... Well, I wouldn't really give a damn.
So what kinds of belief systems and ideas are running in the background in your head? The next time you feel a strong emotion over something, ask why? Where is it coming from? If someone says something or does something that bothers you, look for the underlying belief that they've uncovered. I can name a few of mine.
When people ask about relationships I get EXTREMELY nervous because I've never had one. The underlying belief is that it's not okay to be single and that there's something wrong with me. If I didn't feel this way I wouldn't get flustered when people ask.
I had a "friend" who often times belittled me and mocked me, I despised and hated him. It's been years since I've seen him and I still replay his painful words in my mind. He mocked the things I said, my lifestyle, who I was... On a deep level, I am not comfortable with who I am, and don't really respect myself, and so when other people mock or make fun of me, it hurts, a LOT.
As far as your mom wanting you to see a therapist... It didn't do anything for me when I was a pre teen / teenager. It's my opinion that a person should seek therapy on their own when they are a little older. I went to see two different therapists and as a family we all went to see one as well. I told them what they wanted to hear, and I think I felt a lot of shame for having to be there. "Do you blame yourself for the divorce?" Oh! I read in school that kids often times blame themselves for divorces, and they shouldn't think that way, so I'll say no because it's the right answer! Did I really believe that I caused the divorce? No, but at the same time I didn't really think about it, and I'm not sure I had the insight to benefit from therapy. I think that if you're going into therapy, you need to be really honest with yourself and open. If you're forced to go, you're not going to trust the therapist and you're not going to be honest with them, it's just a complete waste.
Anyways, this has turned into a really long post, I hope you benefit from some of the things I said, and if you have any more questions feel free to ask.
18 Feb 2014, 4:45 pm
