Discipline for kids on the spectrum

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Hi everyone. I'm pretty new here. I'm the mom to two would wonderful little autistic boys. They're extremely high functioning, probably destined for Aspergers diagnoses. They're almost three years old.

My question is: which forms of discipline worked for you, but didn't kill your soul? We don't (and won't) spank. I'm sensitive to sensory issues, and I try to solve the reasons for bad behavior before it occurs. BUT - they're kids, and sometimes they're naughty. I want them to learn right from wrong, and more importantly, I need to keep them safe.

So...what do you think? I intentionally asked the question here, as opposed to in the parenting section because I wanted to go straight to the source. Thanks so much in advance!

The only thing you can do is figure out what they like and hate.

Punishment is being forced to do what you hate or losing that which you like.

It's what most parents do.

Hi pddtwinmom,

I am no expert, but I'd say:
REWARD good behavior & IGNORE bad behavior.

By REWARD, I'd reccomend giving "points" in the form of a small physical object which goes into a jar for each child.
Say if one of your kids likes animals, then use minature animal figures. Or if one of them likes trains, then use minature trains or wagons.
Each item in the seperate childrens jars earns ONE POINT.

If they do something good, let them see you put the minature object in their own special jar. Put a label on the jar saying "Jakes TOKENS", or "Barney's TOKENS" (obviously name it to the names of your children).

Create a chart that shows how many TOKENS they each have, and that shows the REWARD after collecting a strict number of tokens.

Maybe after 3 TOKENS the child will recieve a candy bar. Or after 10 tokens a visit to the local zoo.
The REWARD all depends upon what each child likes, and what they would consider to be a REWARD.

The KEY is to reward GOOD BEHAVIOR, & IGNORE bad behavior.

Discipline is really tough for kids on the spectrum because so much of the bad behavior is a result of not knowing how and why to do what is asked and discipline isn't going to fix that. Identifying when you're banging your head into the wall and it isn't working and stopping what you the adult are doing that doesn't work is key.

Thanks, everyone! Ok, here is a specific example. One of my guys is non-verbal, but he's a great communicator. He uses sign, has good eye contact, requests things, etc. He also has strong receptive communication - he follows directions, nods yes and no appropriately to questions. Too young to measure intelligence, but he knows everything an average NT kid would at this age.

So, he knows what no means. He stops when I tell him no. But sometimes he gives me a sly smile and does it again. And again, and again. I ignore the simple stuff, but one thing that is a problem is throwing. He will all of a sudden chuck his blocks across a room, look at me and give me that sly grin, shake his head no, then do it again. It's dangerous for anyone else in there with him, especially his twin brother. More details - he's my spinner. Spins his toys like tops and stares intently at them, so he definitely has a visual sensory thing going on. We don't stop him from spinning unless he's at the dinner table, so he really doesn't need to throw to get his visual fix.

I think he's doing it to get my undivided attention (as I mentioned, he's a twin). I give him a ton of one on one time, but kids this age do get jealous. But, the behavior MUST stop because it's dangerous.

What does this sound like to you? Any visual stimmers here have thoughts? It's quite the mystery for me.

Thanks!

We have a parenting section on here. All you need to do is click the community Discussion Forum tab on the upper left and scroll down to the coping in life category and click the link that says Parent's Discussion.

The way I found that worked was if the blocks get thrown all the time, the blocks have to go. They can come out again in a couple months, but they go. It's too hard sometimes to figure out what the problem is and how to solve it with the specifics. And because children with ASD tend not to generalize, it may not spread to throwing other stuff. Anyway, that's what I would try first.

Thanks again! CockneyRebel - I asked here because I wanted to see if anyone on the spectrum had some particular insight. The Parenting section seems to have mostly NT parents trying to raise spectrum kids. I worry about projecting my NT way of thinking onto my children too much, so every now and then I like to check in with folks who actually are on the spectrum to see if I can understand what could be happening before I take action.

What's useful about tokens isn't the "reward" aspect; it's the "feedback" aspect. Kids need to know what you expect of them, and kids with autism won't catch the implied and indirect meanings of your rules. I have been put on "token systems", and they always made me feel very patronized. The trouble is that you're trying to teach somebody to do something because they'll be rewarded. That makes the job into work. They don't think about why doing that thing is useful or helpful. They just do it for the reward, and they start to hate it because they have to do it to avoid losing the reward. After a very short time, working for a reward feels the same as working to avoid losing the reward.

Instead, teach why the things you want them to do are useful. Use rewards as a way of notifying them that they're doing well, rather than as a way to force them to do well. If they don't learn the whys, if they don't appreciate that the skills they're learning are good skills that will make their lives better, then once they're no longer being rewarded they'll stop using those skills.

You have to tell them what you expect, specifically, and those rules have to stay the same. You have to be predictable and dependable. If the rules randomly change based on your mood, or if you punish for vague offenses like "sassing back" or "being disrespectful", there won't be a specific rule that they know they need to follow and they'll just get angry.

Once they know how to read, it helps to write down the rules so they can see them and you can explain to them when they have broken a rule. Also make sure they know their responsibilities. When I was young, my mom used to just randomly pull me away from whatever I was doing and demand help with whatever she was doing. This irritated me to no end. I desperately wanted responsibilities that I could predict. I was quite willing to do chores; it was just that I wanted to know which chores I would have to do and when. Being asked to do something with no warning is an unexpected event, a schedule change that's very unpleasant and makes you hate chores much more than you need to.

Don't try to force them to behave one way or the other. Kids know when they are being forced, and they resent it. And "forced" here includes giving rewards that are so desirable that they basically have no choice but to try to get the reward. If you give rewards, let them be small things that work to tell the child, "Thank you. You successfully did what you needed to do, and I am acknowledging your effort." Let them appreciate learning how to do things, for its own sake. Autistic kids have a hard time figuring out what you think of them, so you need to tell them in words. Instead of assuming they know you're glad they're playing peacefully or took a nap without complaining, tell them that you like it when they do those things, and tell them why those are good things to do. They may not understand everything right away, but they're three years old; they've got time to learn.

Thanks Callista! That perspective is super helpful. I've been fighting with his therapists over the token board. Ultimately, I let them use it in class because I think it's helpful in teaching cause and effect, something that's important for any child to learn. But, we don't use them in the outside of class because, to put it frankly, I think they're kind of silly and have no stand-alone relevance in the real world.

Raptor - I am so, so sorry to hear that. That's exactly why I worded it that way; I'm trying to avoid extinguishing the light that makes him him, by forcing him to be someone else. That's also why I posted here, instead of in the Parenting section. I wanted to hear from adults on the spectrum who had personal experience with all different types of parenting. I hate the fact that your parents didn't get it right. You deserved better. How are you doing now?

Also, in an odd way I can't explain, I never felt able to discipline my child who has ASD at 3, not effectively. And I think it is because she wasn't understanding where I was coming from, would become very rigid about following what she felt was a rule and just refuse adult authority that seemed less important than the rule to her. Sometimes I could make her behave or have a consequence, but I never felt like she was understanding or accepting. And she is a really lovely kid now, so it seems to me the discipline thing might be very different for different people.

Raptor - no need to apologize. I'm a full-time mom to two 2 year olds, so I tend to immediately go into "mommy" mode where I'm extra concerned and try to make everyone feel better. I realized that I had done that right after I had posted. My apologies if I was presumptuous or intrusive!

Waterfalls - thanks so much for the kind words. I really just want to help my children be whoever the decide that they want to be. I love them dearly just the way they are. But, it is my job to teach them the things they'll need to know, and at this age, that can be a little tricky. I love the idea of social stories. I did a bit of research on them a year ago, but I decided that they were too young, so I abandoned the idea. I'm going to revisit them.

Thanks again to everyone!

I was one of those aspies that had no memory and still don't for that matter but when I did something that my parents thought was wrong I got a spanking and shortly after my spanking I might do it again because I would forget I just got a spanking and the thing I was doning was all new to me - most aspies have super memory not me - just something to keep in mind and I'm 62 now - also my daddy was extremely aggressive with me - so on my kids which are NTs one has a little of me in her - I did spank them posibly 3 times in their life but I set them down in their room and let them set there for 30mins and then went back a calmly talked to them and gave them three licks - so no emotions envolved