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03 Mar 2014, 5:47 pm

When something I said about someone's friend committing suicide was somehow condescending.

The way I see it is now people tell me I'm either selfish or needing to just deal with my problems when those that have done what I can't do (take their own lives) are mourned and missed. I know now that's wrong to think this way but I have severe depression and anxiety and people just treat me like everyone in this entire world is dealing with the exact same trouble, so really what I'm going through must be nothing.

I feel bad for not knowing how to empathize with this person that took their own life but I don't know how I can feel anything for them. I barely knew them so how can I have a connection with them that makes me miss them?

My own mother implied that I'm selfish. I know I'm not and it's just a lack of empathy on my part. I really thought I had built up a basic amount. Now I just feel like giving up on that little bit I have now.

Now I feel very depressed. Extremely depressed and I feel like I'm not even allowed to have these thoughts.

I've tried to make people understand me through text rather than words because the latter is impossible for me. But I think I'm done. I'll never open up again. And seeing as the only doctor I can see without forcing myself into dramatic panic inducing change is a doctor who doesn't believe I have these mental health issues then I'll never get help and I'll just suffer in silence.

Most of what I type feel like it's manipulation and I don't even know if this is. But I know the only people who will understand me are here.

I just can't stop hurting. I woke up today and thought I feel hated and alone, but I can carry that. By now I know I'm not even capable of self harm so I'll just live like this forever. I still get to have mania which is one reason why I haven't seen a doctor about this.


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pinkgurl87
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03 Mar 2014, 6:04 pm

That must be hard. I get called selfish by people too. One lady kept telling me I was selfish and I didn't understand. I'm sorry you are depressed. It seems like I can relate to people if I've gone through something similar in my life but if I've felt that way or experienced something related I find it hard to empathize, like I look at what people do and I was like why would anyone do that. Mind you I am trying to learn to empathize more with people.

You are allowed to have those thoughts. I feel that way a lot to about my thoughts think I'm not allowed to have them but than that makes me feel guilt and the feelings get worse. I have had people tell me that it's ok to think and feel what I feel, it's what I do with the thoughts and feelings that count. I also had someone tell me that if I didn't know how to respond in a certain situation because I never learned how to then I can't blame myself, but take it and learn from it. Easier said then done though.


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pensieve
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03 Mar 2014, 10:45 pm

Thanks for understanding. You're right. I really can't help it but want to learn to do better.

I'm being given the silent treatment, with someone I live with. I hope it doesn't last long.

My best friend was so angry at me last week she didn't talk to me for six days. It all seems to happen when my anxiety and depression are at their worst.


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B19
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15 Mar 2014, 4:09 pm

NT's have difficulty understanding that self-referencing (which is conceptual) is different from being selfish (which translates into negative behaviours like greed). Everyone is self-referencing, Aspies generally more so, because a lot of NT assumptions/rules/behaviours lack validity to us. What would have been your NT alternative? Expressing insincere views?



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28 Mar 2014, 5:17 am

B19 wrote:
NT's have difficulty understanding that self-referencing (which is conceptual) is different from being selfish (which translates into negative behaviours like greed). Everyone is self-referencing, Aspies generally more so, because a lot of NT assumptions/rules/behaviours lack validity to us. What would have been your NT alternative? Expressing insincere views?

You know, all this is normal. Research anyone?



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28 Mar 2014, 5:20 am

pinkgurl87 wrote:
That must be hard. I get called selfish by people too. One lady kept telling me I was selfish and I didn't understand. I'm sorry you are depressed. It seems like I can relate to people if I've gone through something similar in my life but if I've felt that way or experienced something related I find it hard to empathize, like I look at what people do and I was like why would anyone do that. Mind you I am trying to learn to empathize more with people.

You are allowed to have those thoughts. I feel that way a lot to about my thoughts think I'm not allowed to have them but than that makes me feel guilt and the feelings get worse. I have had people tell me that it's ok to think and feel what I feel, it's what I do with the thoughts and feelings that count. I also had someone tell me that if I didn't know how to respond in a certain situation because I never learned how to then I can't blame myself, but take it and learn from it. Easier said then done though.

I don't empathize much and never saw it as wrong. Then again, I feel enough empathy to try to help where help is due. It's really not something to learn. It's just something you always have and I can assure you that you do. You're completely ordinary.



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28 Mar 2014, 8:40 pm

People are not logical. And I think refusing to speak to you/giving you the silent treatment is what is selfish.

I'm sorry you are hurting.



Juju1987
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03 Apr 2014, 2:33 am

Everyone reacts differently to loss. It may be worth pointing out that it's detrimental to you for them to judge how you are handling the situation. It would be silly for them to expect you to grieve over someone you don't really feel like you even knew that well.



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04 Apr 2014, 7:16 pm

He is logical and a linear thinker. People think he flat out doesn't care. Not true.

When I got ill, and taken to the ER, no one told him. This is because, when it happened on previous occasions, he acted like he didn't care. It's more shock and what can I do? I'm not a doctor and it will work itself out. I guess he was hysterical the next day when I wasn't there. I couldn't call him. None of my friends bothered, since they think he's an ass.

I'm sorry you are depressed and misunderstood. My husband has had this too many times with family and friends.

You aren't selfish. A selfish person wouldn't feel this bad.



Sarah81
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05 Apr 2014, 4:43 am

pensieve wrote:
I feel bad for not knowing how to empathize with this person that took their own life but I don't know how I can feel anything for them. I barely knew them so how can I have a connection with them that makes me miss them?

My own mother implied that I'm selfish. I know I'm not and it's just a lack of empathy on my part. I really thought I had built up a basic amount. Now I just feel like giving up on that little bit I have now.

Now I feel very depressed. Extremely depressed and I feel like I'm not even allowed to have these thoughts.

I've tried to make people understand me through text rather than words because the latter is impossible for me. But I think I'm done. I'll never open up again. And seeing as the only doctor I can see without forcing myself into dramatic panic inducing change is a doctor who doesn't believe I have these mental health issues then I'll never get help and I'll just suffer in silence.

Most of what I type feel like it's manipulation and I don't even know if this is. But I know the only people who will understand me are here.

I just can't stop hurting. I woke up today and thought I feel hated and alone, but I can carry that. By now I know I'm not even capable of self harm so I'll just live like this forever. I still get to have mania which is one reason why I haven't seen a doctor about this.


If it helps, the majority of people don't understand suicide. They can't empathize. They are very upset when a loved one commits suicide, they don't understand that now their loved one will be free from pain. They will snap at anybody who gives them half a chance. Maybe your mother felt that the person who committed suicide was selfish, but she couldn't say it because you can't disrespect the dead, and so she projected onto you instead? Who knows why? You can't say why people behave the way they do.

I think you are perceiving that all of this intense negative emotion is your fault, that because you might struggle with empathy that somehow that caused the problem. But it's not your fault. This suicide was not your fault, other people's reactions are not your fault. You don't have to feel responsible. This situation was much bigger than you and what you might or might not have said. And you are allowed to make mistakes too, if what you said was even a mistake.

I don't struggle with empathy, I'm told I have good empathy. But when I can't understand another person's point of view I will often make mistakes and say the wrong thing. I am probably saying the wrong thing now. Ironically having empathy makes it hard to understand someone who struggles with empathy.

However I do understand depression, and mania, and how it feels. You did a good thing, writing on here. It's important to express yourself where people will understand. Please keep trying to find a better doctor who is understanding. They do exist. You deserve to have a good doctor. You are a good person.



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05 Apr 2014, 7:38 pm

pensieve wrote:
When something I said about someone's friend committing suicide was somehow condescending.

Okay, so what did you say? Lord knows I"ve had some doosies of misspeaks myself. Don't take it too seriously; except be sure to learn from it. Do you regret what you said (not because of the consequences, but because it's not how you feel?) Or did you say something that you do mean, but it might not have been the best time for it?
Analyse and learn, that's the way I heal from these sorts of things. I'm sorry you are feeling so bad, one step at a time.


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Cinnamon
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14 Apr 2014, 2:02 pm

People are so stupid. They are mourning and sad about a person who committed suicide, and they can't stand it if people say something that doesn't fit in with their concept of 'appropriate', an dyet they ignore other who are depressed. Pretty likely that those exact 'correctly sad' people were the ones who failed to be supportive of the person who killed him or herself. They may have said exactly the same things to that person as they are now saying to you. They are the selfish and unempathic ones here; they only want to be unselfish when it's too late or when it suits them. It's not your fault. You are not selfish for saying the 'wrong' thing.



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14 Apr 2014, 3:40 pm

Sarah81 wrote:
pensieve wrote:
I feel bad for not knowing how to empathize with this person that took their own life but I don't know how I can feel anything for them. I barely knew them so how can I have a connection with them that makes me miss them?

My own mother implied that I'm selfish. I know I'm not and it's just a lack of empathy on my part. I really thought I had built up a basic amount. Now I just feel like giving up on that little bit I have now.

Now I feel very depressed. Extremely depressed and I feel like I'm not even allowed to have these thoughts.

I've tried to make people understand me through text rather than words because the latter is impossible for me. But I think I'm done. I'll never open up again. And seeing as the only doctor I can see without forcing myself into dramatic panic inducing change is a doctor who doesn't believe I have these mental health issues then I'll never get help and I'll just suffer in silence.

Most of what I type feel like it's manipulation and I don't even know if this is. But I know the only people who will understand me are here.

I just can't stop hurting. I woke up today and thought I feel hated and alone, but I can carry that. By now I know I'm not even capable of self harm so I'll just live like this forever. I still get to have mania which is one reason why I haven't seen a doctor about this.


If it helps, the majority of people don't understand suicide. They can't empathize. They are very upset when a loved one commits suicide, they don't understand that now their loved one will be free from pain. They will snap at anybody who gives them half a chance. Maybe your mother felt that the person who committed suicide was selfish, but she couldn't say it because you can't disrespect the dead, and so she projected onto you instead? Who knows why? You can't say why people behave the way they do.

I think you are perceiving that all of this intense negative emotion is your fault, that because you might struggle with empathy that somehow that caused the problem. But it's not your fault. This suicide was not your fault, other people's reactions are not your fault. You don't have to feel responsible. This situation was much bigger than you and what you might or might not have said. And you are allowed to make mistakes too, if what you said was even a mistake.

I don't struggle with empathy, I'm told I have good empathy. But when I can't understand another person's point of view I will often make mistakes and say the wrong thing. I am probably saying the wrong thing now. Ironically having empathy makes it hard to understand someone who struggles with empathy.

However I do understand depression, and mania, and how it feels. You did a good thing, writing on here. It's important to express yourself where people will understand. Please keep trying to find a better doctor who is understanding. They do exist. You deserve to have a good doctor. You are a good person.


^^^ this is really good advice.

i also understand depression and mania as well as anxiety, and being unfairly called selfish too. you are not alone here.