Struggling to manage

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I know I am relatively new here and many probably do not know me, and therefore will not know what to say etc, I know how these things work, but I can rant anyway.

I am in the uk, age 31 and have been living in shared houses since oct 2004. Since July last year I have been in a large house with only one other person living here..an Indian guy who doesnt speak much english and who is usually at work. I have been trying to get housing benefits sorted for sometime, but because It took me a long time to feel able to deal with this and actually see the people who deal with it, there have been delays and my landlord is not happy. The housing people told me over a week ago that the arrears check would be with him within the week. Still not there. It is not my fault, I am doing all I can, but I am being made to feel I have no rights by landlord.

Just over a week ago, I was sleeping in the afternoon as I am often up all night, when I was woken by light and my door being unlocked and open. I sat up to find the landlord's wife stood there just staring at me... into my room. My privacy invaded! I was shocked and angry and God, I asked her to please shut the door and was stuttering like mad that I was still in bed etc. 5 minutes later, her husband came up and knocked on my door and expected me to let him in when I was in my nightclothes.

The following days, I was disturbed several times more, often when I was involved in my daily exercise and therefor not properly dressed. It made me very angry and upset.

Today, I was getting ready to go out when the landlord turned up in the house to show students around. Well, I thought I would be find since my room is rented by me and I had assumed I would carry on renting it for another year...but no, the bastard knocked on the door, and expected me to allow these male students to look at my room. I felt so, so invaded and angry, my God, then he asked whether I had been back to check on why the rent wasnt sorted and made a threat of me being out before july if nothing happens.

I burst into tears and told him to leave me alone, and went and smashed my cup in my sink in anger. I felt like smashing everything in sight. I have been confused and upset all day as a result of this incident. I had other things to sort out already and have no one I can talk to in my day to day life as the one person I did talk to told me to go away when I accidentally offended her. My anger concerns me as it is just limitless, to a degree I will swear at anyone who comes near me when out and about in such a state. Someone came near me in the library and I found myself growling.

I have twice gone through the process of forcing myself to deal with the reality of finding another room to live in...along with packing up all my things etc alone, I cannot face having to do it over again. I was not even asked if I wanted to stay another year and renew my contract.

I am having periods when out when I will just stop in the middle of a store, and just stare as I forget what I am doing and what I should be buying. It is like everything comes to a halt. And I am getting to a point where I am feeling it would be easier to just leave this place as being here is no longer bringing me anything but pain and misunderstanding and isolation. I do not even seem to have any use to anyone. And I feel a total loser for being so unable to cope with everyday life and with these normal, daily issues and even moreso for expressing my distress in words for all to see, but I do not know what else to do.

I feel as if I am just going to totally fall apart soon.

I'm sorry to hear about the hard time you've been having lately Graelwyn. Your landlord sounds like the pits! I think it's one of the worst feelings to have your privacy invaded like that. It would upset me very much too. I'm sorry but I don't know much about the rights of tenants, maybe someone else here would be able to advise you on that. Is there a pop-in advice centre at a solicitors near you, or a citizens advice bureau? I know theyare closing these up and down the UK but there are welfare/tenants rights centres scattered about and they may be able to help you by phone if there's not one locally. Whatever you do, don't let anyone try and move you out (by generally pestering you) unless you decide to move. I think they may be acting illegally by harassing you, but find out where you stand legally, and them threaten them with the law if they don't stop it.


"I am having periods when out when I will just stop in the middle of a store, and just stare as I forget what I am doing and what I should be buying. It is like everything comes to a halt."

Yes, this happens to me when I'm stressed too, I think it's an AS reaction - overload, try not to worry about it, it will most likely stop when you get the housing problem sorted.
You are not a loser at all because you feel you can't cope with everyday life. Anyone would be stressed out in your situation. The best thing to do is to keep talking, keep posting, it helps.
I hope you get this resolved soon, keep us posted Graelwyn, and good luck.

What a horriable landlord, if I was you I would move. It sounds like you are not in a good situation at all. You are not a loser, I would be overwhelmed in a situation like that too.

I think I'd stick a table or a big chair behind the door too so they can't get in. That'll fox 'em!

G, you are not a loser. Any person, AS or no, would find this situation unbearable. Barging in while you're sleeping, forsooth!

Good advice above. Hang in there!

I have started putting my heavy exercise bike in front of the door when I go to bed, and after today,before I go out too to give me some measure of security. How can one feel any security when someone has come into their room when they are in bed? My worry is that my anger is getting harder and harder to control to a point I feel like hitting someone when they are behaving in a way that distresses me.

Ah now, that is what you mustn't do, no matter how provocative their behaviour, they'd only use that as an excuse to try and get rid of you. I go for a walk when I'm stressed, exercise helps a lot.
You can get your own back with the law, once you know your rights.

I think I have some appreciation of your situation, Graelwyn.

I, too, have had difficulties with landlords/landladies with regards to privacy. From what I have read, and from my own experience, people with AS are often taken advantage of/mistreated in such situations as your own.

I can't say that I have an "answer" to your problem. I can, however, empathise with you; I'm sure many others on this site will, also.


My latest strategy for dealing with stressful situations is to let things "wash over" me. Yes, it is a strategy of apathy, and is somewhat unproductive. However; when the alternative is to exist in a state of such distress that one cannot function -at all-, it can be quite helpful. Preserving one's sanity is of paramount importance.


Be well,

Brendan

I have been told by the housing people that he isn't supposed to do what he has been doing and given a number...but I suppose I worry he might become even nastier towards me if he gets a call to remind him of my rights and be even more anxious to move me out as soon as he can. Also, I find making phone calls, and sorting issues like this out where I have to deal with people so very hard you know? Is this a common thing among asperger people, to prefer to stick to their own routine and what they want to do and neglect these essentials?

I seem to just freeze or cry when distressed now, I seem to get overpowering rage and frustration attacks. I suppose I should be proud that I have coped as well as I have considering I never thought I would cope with being alone. I seem to manage fairly well if everything is organised and I have one or two real life people I can talk to when the aloneness becomes too much. But then the aloneness and extra stress overwhelm I seem to get a lot of thoughts of not wanting to be alive anymore and of being totally non existent to anyone.

that is illegal here (Victoria, Australia). A landlord must give notice of an inspection and there are limits to how many can be done.

I would have expected the UK would have similar laws.

At times, I can manage that apathy, but when my privacy is invaded, especially when I am doing things that are part of my daily routine, it is an instant rage. I mean, I had one time when I was in my nightdress and the landlord came in to look at my radiator. Me stood there, trying to hide behind something as this is a man and you just dont have strange men in your room when you are in a nightdress. I begin to wonder if the hindu people have different customs when it comes to how they treat females, since that is his culture/religion.

He does not know I have AS but I suppose because I am avoidant and have not had much contact with him and did not go to him about my non working radiator or rent issues, he has just assumed it is because I do not intend to pay or something or because I am rude.

Graelwyn, thank you for your initial post. You have no idea how much your story has helped me. I understand your angst! I, too am sitting here at work with tears streaming down my face because yesterday I said to my co workers " so, then, calling someone 'Ethnic' is code that they are different than you?" and I was shut down and shut up by the other folks around her stating that was just fine with them, with echos of 'yes!" yup, and "that's right!"
Today no one will speak to me.
And all my months of carefully crafted good will and patient building up of trust and I EVEN CAME OUT TO THESE PEOPLE about my Autism! I TOLD them we take things very very literally and I would need their help . . .but do they remember that? All those promises of helping the poor "ret*d' girl? no. . .
I guess in my ignorance, I cut too close to the bone.
Now I have to find another place to work. . and I almost made it to one year so I could have gotten some sort of Unemployment Insurance payments, too!
Merle

I am sorry to hear of this. I do not work at present, but the time I did work was not a pleasant experience in my recall. I was fired from one job with no explanation. I assume it might be because I spoke up about some of the mistreatment of elderly I saw occurring. It is hard when you have worked at building up some sort of friendship only for it to be ripped apart by misunderstanding. I think it is easier for people to just disregard any issues someone might have when their own pride or ego are hurt by something said.

This is monstrously unjust! Defending the rights of others should never be repaid by deprivation of livelihood! If it was something else they should have explained their alleged reasons. And Merle's story seems to illustrate a similar injustice as well. Is there no means of redress?

And Merle's story seems to illustrate a similar injustice as well. Is there no means of redress?
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Well, what would we have as redress? Shall we haul these folks up before upper management (who probably feel the same way?) Perhaps I will get a lecture about my low self esteem, but I have noticed proselytizing avengers seldom get anything but ostracism for their pains. When the wheel squeaks, it doesn't get the grease . . .it gets replaced! No upper management wants to deal with this.

And if they did? Would I have the moxie to withstand the back lash and fall out from my 'peers?' I don't think so. I used to live for the battle, but now. . .now that I have been diagnosed, I am ashamed at the figure I cut, raving about equality and somehow expecting people to thank me for broadening their narrow minds.
I will decline from taking this tack at this time. As I get older, I get tired.
Merle

I know what you mean Merle, I think there's a outer policy of 'non-prejudice', acceptance, but I have a feeling that the underlying prejudices still persist. It can be depressing. I think you must have had some guts to come out to your collegaues about your autism, and they have let you down, shame on them!