How the hell I am supposed to deal with this?

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Regarding the legalities of using fb as a 10 year old. The reason they have that cut-off is for facebook's own liability. They don't want parents to be up in arms over the possibility of child predators etc. So they put in the age cut-off. It was originally 18, but has apparently shifted to 13, and will probably continue to shift down as facebook (or equivalents) become more pervasive.

I get the argument about lying. Then again, everyone lies sometimes and lying can be adaptive and socially expected at times. I see it as more of a shade of grey issue, where some lies are ok, or even positive, while others are inappropriate or negative. There is a question on many personality tests that says "True or False - I never lie" If you answer true they assume you're a liar. But where you draw your line on that shade of grey is up to you.

Regarding whether you should use facebook, I think considering your concerns over it, you definitely should try it at some point, at the very least, for your own peace of mind when your daughter eventually uses it. It would also give you a good idea of how it works and how to set up privacy settings to protect your daughter from strangers. I appreciate your position of being selective in what technology you choose to adopt: I have yet to figure out why people like twitter so much, myself. That said, I think facebook is a largely a benign service, and many of your concerns would go away if you tried it for a few months.

Our family has decided differently about lying being adaptive: we don't see the need to always tell the truth, and that offers us the opportunity to be socially appropriate (I've never run into a situation where a polite deflection doesn't work as well as a white lie) In fact, I have found that our need for honesty is a trait that has served us well as adults and something I know people really respect me for, even if it makes me glaringly different. The thing to remember is that along with honesty you have to develop tact.

I don't see lying to get around something you want as a socially adaptive behavior even if everybody does it, or even if it's assumed everybody does it. I'm not going to judge other people for their choices, but I think it is just as legitimate to decide not to lie.

You need to separate between "being allowed to" and "does". I am pretty sure, there wont be many 16 year old, who asked for their parents permittance to watch hardcore porn. So the difference is the permittance of the parents. As you say, there are many 10 year olds having facebook accounts, but in opposition to those 16 year old with their hardcore porn, they will mostly have their parents permittance.

Why do many parents allow their 10 years old to have facebook accounts, while most parents will not allow their 16 years old to watch hardcore porn: Because having a facebook account is not automatically negative. Most will simply use it for chatting and gossiping with friends, which is normally not negatively affecting a child.

I agree with you, that in general, I would not want my 10 year old kid to surf around the internet, without any supervising. Which means for me not to sit beside it at every minute, but to simply use the family computer in the living room. But because of the border school thing, I´d agree into it, while asking for permittance to check the account every now and then. (Not to read every single sentence she wrote with on of her friends, but to ask her in general about who this or that person might be, that seems suspicious to me, as example far older persons that are not her teachers, relatives or whatever...)

You could as well do an agreement with her about what kind of people she is in general allowed to include to her contact lists (Real life friends she and you already know, class and school camerades her age peer, family and relatives, ...) and if she wants to add someone else, you could do an agreement, that she needs to ask for your permittance.

That may not be even the teacher accepting. It could be a fake account, or someone in ber family. I know many families that "share" a FB account.

I also never ever friend anyone under 18. They can friend me up that's it. I've seen too many parents get upset with too many adults over meddling or opinions. Not worth the grief. My 14 year nice wants to follow my Pheed account. Nope.

The kydz in my area use Twitter, Pheed, SnapChat, Instagram and Vine. If they have a FB account, they are 1) under 13, and parents heavily monitor it 3) it's a bogus account and all the good stuff is on Instagram.

My social media friends do very little marketing on FB for the 10-30 crowd. The demographics aren't there.

The kids here are all on mobiles, very few are plunked in front of a computer. It's all smart phones, no tablets either.

To me that is a contradiction in terms. You are economic with the truth to say the least which is not the same as honesty in my book.
My inability to be a hypocrit has been my greatest social handicap in life.


Effectively she would not be allowed to use facebook in her boarding group as they don't allow sites that require log in.


So when DD hits 13 and she wants the privileges of a 16-year old? I won't have a leg to stand on.
There is lots of things DD is "not allowed to" but she still "does" them.

I really don't have a need. Should the need ever arise, I would consider it.


I find that sooo patronizing



Good info, thanks for that, as I sat here tapping this out Twitter crossed my mind. Never heard of the others but wil look into them.

You can see a R rated movie as a child but you have to be with a parent or guardian to see it. I have never been to a theater that has allowed a kid see a rated R movie alone. That is the way it is here in the USA. Honestly I have never seen any rated R movies in theaters as a kid. Only up to PG-13. But I did see them at home.

I would not equate Facebook with porn. I wouldn't even put them on the same scale. Because personally, I see no redeeming value in porn, while Facebook has it's merits. But it is becoming clear to me that you are not as enamored about Facebook as some of the rest of us.

I think Facebook could be a useful tool for socialization, a way to communicate with people. For a child where that is a problem, I can see where appropriate use of Facebook to encourage interaction would be helpful for the child. However, you know what your child can handle. Not all Facebook activity is benign, and person needs to know when not to engage, manage privacy (although you could set that up for her), etc. My HFA son is almost 13 and he is no where near ready to be on Facebook; actually has no interest in it. He also doesn't text, or even respond to calls on his cell phone (even from his mama).

But clearly your child DOES have an interest in interacting with people on Facebook. I don't think you should ignore that because you have a philosophical thing against the whole idea of Facebook. Perhaps you could help her find another way to interact with her peers using the tools they use, tools that would be more acceptable to you.

DD loves her movies. She has seen all of the Harry Potters and some of those are 15 I think. so in that sense lying is grey indeed.
I kicked so much fuss myself at the age of 12 that my parents gave in and allowed me to go see Saturday Night Fever which was rated 18. I think it was more about me getting what I wanted rather than seeing the actual film.

DD has attachment issues in so far that we moved countries when she was 4 and it took a few years before she could comprehend the people we left behind would still be there no matter what. We still have sporadical contact with some of her old friends. None of them are on facebook though.

Hmm, back to the thinking. I'm speaking to her on the phone tonight. See what she got to say for herself I suppose.

Not sure precisely why, but I find this comment extremely insulting. Are you saying we're all hypocrites? Are you saying you're morally superior to all of us? Because that is how that comment comes across.




You either have a very strange sense of what constitutes a lie, or the cinemas in your country operate under very different rules than mine.

As a mom of a 10 year old NT girl, High five, good job. You make my job easier by not caving.

If she wants to hang with her homies, why can't she Skype? Does the school have a forum page to hang?

This is my deal, there will be tons of kids how do all sorts of under age s**t. Is it a crime against humanity? Meh. BUT the day the all goes horribly south, guess who's fault it? You. You shouldn't have let them do a, b, c and if you DID know, what type of trash parent are you?

Screw that. I don't want some judge glaring at me, over some half witted thing my 10 year old did on Facebook. Like the girls in her class who did a bare butt shot and threw it up on FB. Kids do stupid s**t because they are kids. I know the moms involved,  and mortified is the understatement.

DD'S school actively discourages FB, since all the kids are under 13. If some rats out another (kids tell everything), you get a form letter from the police department why having an under age child with his real name on FB account is a terrible idea. ID theft is a major one.

And by time they hit middle school, the FB account is for the G rated adults, and Instagram has their thong pictures.

As for under age family members, I got burned when a under 16 relative sent a boobie shot to her Instagram acccount. Now what? Rat her out to her parents? I anonymously contacted her parents.  She wasn't supposed to have an Instagram account. Lol....they didn't know her mobile was capable of that. Heard that tale second hand.

I do social media wrangling for a few websites.  I've seen more barely legal butt/boob shot selfies than I ever care to see via the company's Pheed, Tumblr, Instagram and FB accounts. The dimmer ones use their real names. Stuff's all photo shopped to hell. I long for when they post a picture of a kitten. Or a landscape shot. No more badly done tats on your behind, please.

My DD is not ready for Facebook. Between homework,  activities and playing Dragon City, she has no time. And to tell you the truth, I don't need her to be sending OMG, LOL, SMH, DIAF and FAIL for hours to her little buds. She has her own basic mobile, and I watch that like a hawk. She can text, but doesn't do much of that either. Mostly, it's mom can I have money for gems.

I don't budge on age restrictions.  I suck, but that's my job to suck as a parent, and be mommy buzz kill. She'll get her wings soon enough in 8 years, and I'll be happy for that.

This is the hard part. She is a very social child with a need for social contact (unlike me). I spent 3 years pointing out at school that DD had social skill deficiencies. But all I ever got is that all children are different. I got the clue she might be AS during the summer holiday between year 3 and 4. When I told them after the holidays most thought I was a nutter thinking my child had autism. Her year 4 teacher just wasn't interested and as far as she was concerned there was nothing wrong with DD. Even when she got remedial lessons and had to be taken out during school hours all I got was that the attitude that she would have to agree to it since a a doctor has said so.

She has been riding horse at a local family-run centre for the last 5 years but has made little or no friends there. In the summer holidays she is allowed to help out with the beginners and she loves it. She is more likely to befriend someone younger than someone her own age, She will do almost anything to be accepted and that has everything to do with her previous school. It has only been 4 months she is in special education. She can see the difference herself when it comes to her academic behaviour but she has been dragged into the girls politics at school already. I used to tell her to make friends with the boys because they are less complicated but her interests are all very girly.
She has a best friend that she has known for 5 years now and believe me if it wasn't for me for getting on with the parents and the fact that her best friends has 7 siblings they would no longer be friends.
I really don't have "a philosophical thing against the whole idea of Facebook". I might have serious reservations as to the ethics of it. And the fact the DD might just throw it back in my face in years to come.. She has no clue on money, it burns a hole in her pocket. I am very reluctant to give her any more electronic gadgets for no other reason than that she is too scatty at times to look after the ones she has got. I found her camera in the car under the front seat, her watch in the wood shed, that were two recent ones. She is getting better but I just don't want her to run before she can walk. And facebook in the social sense is more like a Formula 1 race track.

Like I said before. What is expected of me is like asking a pro-lifer to allow their 14-year old an abortion or demanding of a vegatarian that it's child eat meat.

Both are based on beliefs. My own parents' double standards caused me confusion no end as a child. Fate should have it that, in my late teens, i started reading Confusius to make sense of it all. I rejected catholicism at a very young age. I refused to do comfirmation when I was 12. Ultimatelly they convinced me to after my auntie bribed me with a turn table and some records. But the novelty of that wore off soon. And it was the beginning of me disliking those that live by the 'Do as I say. don't do as I do' motto.
Am I morally superior to all of you? No idea. I am very much an in your face person and I follow my own rules when it comes to morals. It has alienated me from many over the years but the ones that don't find me offensive tend to hang around for years. I will tell you as I see it and will use thesaurus to help me with word choices as mine are not alway diplomatic. I didn't on this occassion.
After doing so anyway I now realise I should have used insincere instead of hypocrit so my apologies andhereby:
My inability to be insincere has been my greatest social handicap in life
http://thesaurus.com/browse/HYPOCRITICAL

It's not a contradiction: you can still find ways to be sincere that suit your own honesty and also serve the social situation. For instance, we've taught my son to say "thank you, but it's just not my taste" to food he dislikes rather than "it's disgusting" (the blunt version of the truth that doesn't consider the other person) or "no, really, it's delicious!" (the social white lie) The first two are still honest.

I guess my premise for honesty is based on the idea that people outside you don't have a right to know everything about you all of the time. You have autonomy and boundaries, and are allowed to keep things to yourself. It is not lying to withhold some information, whether that information be how strongly you feel about something or not correcting someone's false assumption about something that's not their business, or

I'm not comfortable with actively saying something that is not true simply for social reasons. (e.g. "no, that dress doesn't make you look fat!" vs. "I think it's a lovely color, but maybe it isn't the most flattering fit?") It also takes a considerable amount of looking for the shades of grey in a social situation and reading the expectations of the other person: often, the other person doesn't WANT the truth (e.g. "How are you doing?" which is a common hurdle for people on the spectrum - the questioner is expecting either a cursory affirmative response or a few newsy items but not a deep conversation. I often say something about traffic or what I think of the weather.

I would just say that since she's 10 you should make sure you have her password and check her messages and things every so often. As for adults being friends with kids on FB, most of my kids friends are on mine and were back even when everybody had MySpace. It's a way of keeping an eye on things and maybe saying something supportive when one of them is having a bad day. It's also a way to make sure you can get in touch with everybody at once if need be, ie; "DD lost her phone, please help keep an eye out for it" or "DS is sick, if you would be interested in going by the office to get his work tomorrow please inbox me", etc. I'd just monitor it and if you see any bullying then pull the plug. But, remember that sometimes kids post things that don't make sense, like lots of times they just post song lyrics for no reason.

I have mutual FB "friendships" with several of my teachers from high school, but then again, I'm 22 and in college.