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kirayng
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22 Mar 2014, 10:52 am

For others?

Since I was diagnosed, I have fallen into a bit of a trap of not trying as hard anymore. There are so many past negative experiences from trying to do something positive for someone but being either rejected or going about it all wrong...

I want to comfort someone I know in chronic pain but I'm scared I will go about it all wrong and offend them now. I used to just do whatever came to mind, not worrying about the consequences because I didn't know I had autism, didn't realize I was "out of place" with all these other people and couldn't "connect" emotionally to them....

Now what to do... I have a huge, sweet heart that loves people so much but it's like stuck inside me and I can't do the things other people do so easily that lets their friends and family know they love and care for them.

DOes anyone else get stuck like this? You want desperately to show someone you care for them but are completely and utterly lost at either how to go about it, or possible when going about it, you are sort of "wrong" somehow that feels bad.... I get this when I try to comfort someone. I have this thing where I really want to comfort them, not just make a show, I want to know what will actually alleviate their suffering then I go about doing it (like solving a problem).

ARRGGGHHHH!! ! 8O 8O 8O



Last edited by kirayng on 22 Mar 2014, 11:13 am, edited 1 time in total.

Lumi
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22 Mar 2014, 11:04 am

I am empathetic but not to comfort.


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pete42
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22 Mar 2014, 11:09 am

I'd suggest explaining your concerns to this person in the same way you've explained them here. If the person is in chronic pain, there's probably not much you can do directly to alleviate that, but this person will know this, and will probably appreciate your genuine desire to help.

The best you can do would be to give them time, understanding and company, and offer to help out with whatever needs doing whilst you're there.



Last edited by pete42 on 22 Mar 2014, 11:10 am, edited 1 time in total.

kirayng
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22 Mar 2014, 11:09 am

I have asked, I'm brushed off, the guy is quite independent. I feel like I'm missing whatever he needs from me. Like everyone else in my life I want to show I care about... I just don't go about it "right".

I want to stop over and bring him some cookies... I just can't figure out how to ask/suggest it without imposing, etc....



kirayng
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22 Mar 2014, 11:11 am

It's strange I just keep thinking when I'm in pain, I want to be left alone... everything I think of what I would want... it seems opposite of what I "should" do...



pete42
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22 Mar 2014, 11:22 am

Is he a friend who you might normally visit anyway?

You're right not to want to impose yourself, but if he's a friend anyway, I'm sure he wouldn't mind you dropping by with some cookies.. just be prepared to leave them with him at the front door if he doesn't feel like inviting you in. If he's not a close friend, it's understandable he wouldn't want someone he don't know that well coming and staying for a long time.



Wind
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22 Mar 2014, 12:06 pm

If you don't feel sorry for them, you don't, but if you still want to try lending an ear to them, or help them, you can.

Saying things like "I'm sorry to hear, is there anything I can do to help? -offers a hug-" might help. That's what I've usually gone with over the years,

From there, if they don't say there's nothing you can help with, you could always say "well, if you do think of anything, I'm always here" and if they do say something you can help with, you can take that offer up. Even just listening to them complain may help them out a bit. Maybe they feel bad for moaning about their pain all the time, so you can assure them they are not bothering you/not ranting/welcome to rant etc. whatever the appropriate response is.

If it's a local friend, maybe offer to help them around the house, or do their grocery shopping.

I couldn't tell you how to genuinely be sympathetic or empathetic though. I have this very same problem. I just go with what is "acceptable" as a response.


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League_Girl
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22 Mar 2014, 12:12 pm

I have a hard time with this and I can only help if I know a solution to their problem. All I can do is just listen and unfortunately not everyone likes a listener. But yet if I open my mouth, they might get upset with something I say. I know this happens to everybody of course but when to know if it's normal or the Asperger's, I don't know. When it comes to a miscarriage, yes normal. Not AS. Lot of people don't know how to act in it or what to say and when they do say something, they say something wrong when they meant to be supportive and give you comfort.


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kirayng
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22 Mar 2014, 12:23 pm

Thank you all for your advice! I took the first step and offered to run an errand, get something for him, which was well received!! I'm going now to get a couple things for him. :) I'm so happy I can do something real that makes sense! It's hard to comfort people for me, if I have to do stuff like hugs and knowing when to say 'oh dear' and that stuff.

Thanks again!



Wind
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22 Mar 2014, 12:39 pm

kirayng wrote:
Thank you all for your advice! I took the first step and offered to run an errand, get something for him, which was well received!! I'm going now to get a couple things for him. :) I'm so happy I can do something real that makes sense! It's hard to comfort people for me, if I have to do stuff like hugs and knowing when to say 'oh dear' and that stuff.

Thanks again!


That's awesome! :D Glad it went well for you!


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pete42
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22 Mar 2014, 4:21 pm

Brilliant! Well done! :D