First of all, please don't be too hard on yourself! You don't need the extra stress and anxiety. You are who you are, and if people think you are more "special needs" than you are, that's their problem. People think I am intellectually disabled sometimes, and to be honest, I've never really minded. They treat me like I'm a little kid, but I see it as an opportunity to observe them and the way they act with me as opposed to someone they think has normal cognitive ability. Their opinion of me doesn't change who I actually am. Nor do people's opinions of you change who you are.
Your stims are particularly noticeable, and they may distract others, but you can do them in your own room whenever you like. Stopping your stims is probably not a very good idea--they fulfill some kind of need for you, and if you stopped, you wouldn't get whatever benefit you get from them. But redirecting them--that's a possibility. Your goal, as far as I can gather, is to change your stims so that they are less annoying to others, and less potentially embarrassing for you, yeah?
Okay... let's see.
Stim toys. Lots of us love stim toys. Smooth, hard things; squishy things; soft things; springy things; interesting things to play with. Many of us will carry these things around with us, anything from a smooth glass bead to a stuffed dolphin to a Rubik's cube, and fiddle with them when we need to.
You also have large gross-motor stims, big movements, whole-body stuff. Rocking looks a bit odd, but people get used to it. Pacing, hopping, hand-flapping... ehh, they all look odd and can't be done in the classroom, but they work well anywhere that they won't distract others. To stim in the classroom when I wanted to get up, I learned how to surreptitiously tighten and relax individual muscles in my body, in a way that didn't move the limb and couldn't be detected unless someone were to actually touch me. On the other hand, I have one friend who usually can't stay in his seat for very long, and will get up and pace, twirling a keychain and tossing and catching a coin. I don't think he's autistic, but he certainly can't sit still for long, so I guess maybe ADHD or something close to it? He may even be neurotypical and particularly active. However it is, it works for him, and he doesn't bother us unless he drops the coin and it clatters on a hard surface.
Your vocal stims are also something you seem to want to change. There are many stims involving the tongue, mouth, throat, and breath; some are quite easy to hide. Some people suck on their tongues (this does push the front teeth forward a bit, though). Breathing in patterns is another common surreptitious stim. Some people chew on things. Do you like to sing, hum, or whistle? If so, that may substitute for the groaning noises you make.
Bottom line, though: Your comfort and function is more important than looking a certain way to the people around you. Sometimes the best solution for an autistic trait is acceptance, both yours and theirs, and the willingness to tell them to take a hike, because you have the right to be yourself.
23 Mar 2014, 9:35 am
