Its time for a change, just can't help myself to do anything

Post Reply New Topic

Its time for a change, to move on this last year has been among the better of my life trying to move away from the depression that's been following me since I was 14, when I was that age my dad dad died then a year later my step dad got killed at the same time my mom had a nervous break down and got addicted to drugs me and my little sister got sent into foster-care. In the foster-care system I was emotionally abused on top of going through some of the hardest times I have had to faced in my life. Treated as sub human by self-righteous bastards who cared nothing but using me as part of their cash farm. More than that occurred but I don't want to go through every experience its just been universally bad. I have been a chronic marijuana smoker for years now and have finally got the nerve to quit it though I relapse on occasion. I am 19 and have no family I live with my best friend hes the only one who even knows the person I am. I had survivor benefits after I got out of foster-care to finish up school with but blew it all on people I wanted to be my friends and spent the bare minimum time on my online classes. I have 5 credits to go and after paying last months rent I am completely broke all but food stamps. My friend is willing to help with the rent I pay up to his grandpa until I finish but if I don't do it in a timely matter like a couple months he can't support me forever and I understand it. I sit down to do the work but can't control myself, my mind won't let me. I am always stuck feeling bad about my life, over the last 5 years were stolen from me I was basically forced to do nothing but chores and tv, internet was forbidden and I couldn't establish any relationships for two reasons foster-care people have some backwards rules like background checks for all my friends that take 4+ months plus my lack of ability to socialize in general. My self-esteeem plummeted since I spent half of my teenage years basically loathing my existence and being depressed. I quit smoking cigarettes and for most part weed as well but any bad emotion serves as a trigger. I don't have a car or license not because I couldn't get one just because I was too impulsive with my cash and blew it on everyone. Last year has been better than the 5 that preceded it trying to make a change trying to fight my impulses trying to get my self to be consistent constantly trying constantly failing I need advice real advice none of that hang in their crap I need advice or I am done for on the streets and at the point I might as well give the f**k up. I try not to think this way but you can only be optimistic for so long without success. fml

You are an incredibly strong person. You may not see that right now, but after what you've been through, you have a best friend, you've given up smoking (the biggest feather in my own cap) and, as bleak as it seems, you're still looking for a way up. Give yourself a strong pat on the back for those things and probably others. Somebody else might have been totally destroyed by what you've been through.

I remember, when I was about 22, being hemmed in by a lot of "gottas" - it was beyond endurance - a therapist asked me what I wanted to do. I said, "Quit." She said, "Then that's what you have to do." I did and somehow everything worked out eventually, and I kept my sanity.

So for you, what do you want to do, regardless of consequences?

If you want to keep trying, then I'd think of priorities. It's tempting to tell you to get a tutor for the last 5 credits, but it might be more practical to get a job. Just tell them you graduated - nobody checks, or at least nobody checked on me. It's not like you're applying for a job as a chemist or something. But if you got a McJob or loading trucks or something, would that relieve the pressure of where to live? Then you could lean back, take a deep breath and consider your next move.

What do you think?

Also I think you've been seriously traumatized and might get help with that (sliding scale, I hope).

KyleClark, how are you feeling today?