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Joe90
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29 Mar 2014, 4:36 pm

I'm 24 next month and I feel so pathetic still living at home with my parents whilst all my cousins and my mates (well, they used to be mates, now they don't want to know me any more) are all got to a point where they are moving out or have moved out already and are moving on in life. The trouble is, they all have a partner or mates to move in with. I am a lonely person with no true friends and am struggling to find a date, and nothing seems to be changing for the best, no matter how hard I try.

I know I won't be able to afford to move out, not on the wages I get a month. I work as a cleaner at a care home, because that's the only job that came along that I actually got, after 4 long years of being on unemployment benefit, and I should feel lucky that I have a job at all because it was so hard to find work, even though I have a lot of good things to say on my CV. I can't claim disability because I am too capable to claim disability money from the government, even though my condition is causing problems at home, which is why I want to move out. I hate people round making a noise and a mess when I want the environment to be peaceful and predictable. I don't get along with my brother. My dad is always in a bad mood and bites my head off when all I'm doing is asking a civil question. I am close to my mum but we do argue a lot and I think we will probably be more closer if I moved out, if you know what I mean. I also hate hearing any noise in the house when I'm in my room, like people chattering, the cat miawing, TVs murmuring, kettles roaring, etc. It just drives me mad and I sometimes want to be alone.

I do not wish to share a place with somebody I do not barely know. My home life has to be comfortable for me, and I either want to live alone, or with a descent partner or descent friend, or with a close relative. Do other Aspies have problems similar to this? How do you go on and if you have sorted yourself out, how did you get there?


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GiantHockeyFan
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29 Mar 2014, 5:04 pm

I didn't move out on my own until 29. I desired it for years but I wanted my hobby (hockey is REALLY expensive), my own car and an apartment and could only choose two until the age of 28. I will NEVER willingly move back with my parents but having said that the grass isn't always greener. Especially that I am single again the loneliness can be difficult to deal with and given the insane cost of renting in my city I had to sacrifice in other areas. I could have moved out with a roommate at 25 but it's far better to live with someone you love and trust in spite of the difficulties. Then there is the upkeep, cleaning and did I say the lack of companionship. Sure it's awesome to be able to walk around in your underwear, eat supper in front of the TV and to do whatever crazy thing you want whenever you want but I will warn you it gets old really quickly! In I were you, I would start aggressively saving and looking for a full time job now and make it a goal for the next 2-3 years.



Ann2011
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29 Mar 2014, 6:06 pm

I'm 43 and I live with my mother. I have to get a place of my own. She's driving me nuts. We've been in this arrangement for the past three and a half years (brought on by a breakdown and my not being able to live alone at the time.) But I don't think I can stand it anymore. On the other hand, I'm not sure if I can live alone either. But I won't know unless I try.


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Soccer22
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29 Mar 2014, 6:45 pm

I have been told by my parents and I have to agree with them, that people should only move out when they are financially and emotionally capable and not just because every other person their age is doing it. You are allowed to do things at a different pace as everyone else, you are an individual with individual needs. If you don't like the noise at your house or your parents, then retreat into your bedroom or take a walk for a personal break. Save up your money right now and start to learn some skills for independent living so in the long run you can be ready when the time is right.



League_Girl
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29 Mar 2014, 11:43 pm

When I was 16, I wanted to move out so much because I was unhappy with my family. They were always making messes and not cleaning up after themselves and they claimed it was hard to keep clean. I hated the noise my brothers made and I couldn't relax without worrying about them making a mess and they wouldn't stay up in the rec room. My parents would get mad at me for my anxiety and freaking out. I was so unhappy I wanted to kill myself but didn't have the balls to do it. I had no way of working or moving out because I didn't drive and how do you get a license when you don't have anyone to take you to get one? Plus my parents didn't want me working.


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em_tsuj
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30 Mar 2014, 1:56 am

I live with my mom. It is driving me crazy. I think we both get on each other nerves. I just try to be considerate. Sometimes I just have to get up and leave. I wish I had a job. Being at home all the time makes it worse.

I don't really know of a magic solution the problems that come with living with your family as an adult. It is just uncomfortable. When the time is right, you'll be able to move out. Just try to make the best of it until then.



OliveOilMom
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30 Mar 2014, 9:11 am

I've never lived on my own. I moved out with my first husband when I was 18 and supported us in our apartment for about 6 months then we moved in with my mother. After I divorced him, I married my real husband when I was 22 but we had moved up to DC together (where he's from) the summer before that, and since then we have had our own place most of the time.

Don't feel bad. My oldest son is 24 as well, and will be 25 soon. He moved back in here over the winter, and he doesn't have a job and he broke up with his baby mama, so he doesn't have a gf either. He's only had two gf's in his life. His baby mama, and this other girl he dated in high school. Right now he's left most of his stuff here but moved in with my MIL and BIL at the lake. He still doesn't have a job, and just takes care of the yard and vehicles, fishes, and drinks beer all day. That's really all he does. He seems perfectly content though.

My 20yo daughter still lives here. She lives in the renovated attached garage, so it's like her own apartment, but she's got her fiance with her. He's lived here for years. She just goes to school, and so does he. Neither of them have a job. My youngest son who is 19 today lives here too, and he got a gf this past winter and she lives with him, but she has a part time job. He does not have one at the moment, but he can hustle up some money when need be. Then my youngest, who is 17 and a junior in high school of course lives at home. She doesn't have a job either. She also doesn't have a bf.

Everybody plans on moving out, and getting a job, and they all talk about it all the time, but nobody ever really does anything about it. If I could find a job around here, I'd get one and move out and leave them to it! lol. I'd LOVE my own place.


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Opi
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30 Mar 2014, 9:54 am

if i had to live with my mother, there would a suicide or homicide within the month.

on the other hand, my step-daughter (not sure what to call her since we divorced) is 24 and still lives at home. it's insanely expensive to find an apartment around Boston, even with roommates. and i am here living with my ex-husband specifically because i can't afford to get my own place *right now.* i need some time to get ahead of my bills and save some money.

sometimes renting a room is not so bad. it depends on how the house is set up. some rooms, you even have your own bathroom and entrance/exit. i'm looking at renting a fully furnished rooms, all utilities included, in a guy's house in Greensboro, for 450 a month. he basically wants no interaction with his tenants, and wants peace and quiet, which is perfect in my mind. and, it sounds like a nice place, it's in a quiet area, not terribly far from the busline, trees and grass and such. and it's month to month so if i hate it i can leave without issue. my only issue is not being able to smoke inside but in some ways that's better because i smoke a lot more when i can light up anytime. so i'm busy saving up half of the first & last months rent he wants, and hopefully it's still available if and when i get ready to move.

but you can rent a whole house or trailer down there in many areas for 300 or less. i *have* to live near a city with a busline until i can save up enough for a vehicle. so my options are more restricted. i even saw a house-sitting gig for free. but it was way out in the country and i have no car.

so i would just say - keep an open mind. i know you have to work and support yourself. to move elsewhere you might need to find a job in that area. that can be challenging. but don't write off renting a room. you have someplace to live now. you can take your time and look carefully for the *right* situation and start saving money. most of my bad moves have been bad because i didn't have time to be picky.

i use craigslist constantly for this kind of thing. it's good to start looking ahead of time. you might not be able to take advantage of the opportunities yet, but it will give you a feel for the market and over time, how often something comes up that might be workable for you.


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04 Apr 2014, 1:02 am

I'm 24 and I still live with my parents. I could just about afford renting a small flat, but I chose to save up for a down payment instead. This way I will have a place of my own much sooner.



mr_bigmouth_502
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04 Apr 2014, 1:54 am

I'm 20, and I'm living with a friend's family in their basement. Aside from having to work to pay rent, it's not that big of a transition from living with my dad, though at least I don't have to put up with my stepmother or her family.

Ever since I was 17 actually, I've kind of jumped back and forth between living under my dad's roof, and living with a friend's or relative's family. I moved in with my grandparents about a month before I turned 18, and stayed there for about three months, then I lived with another friend's family for around 5-6 months, then I moved back in with my dad in his new town for about two years, and ever since around 4 months ago, I've been back in my old town, living with this friend's family.

In between when I moved here and when I last lived with my dad, I took a trip down to my current town for a month, and essentially went couch surfing from a friend's place, to my maternal grandparents' place, to another friend's place, to my paternal grandparents' place... and along the way I met up with the family I'm currently living with. I was pulling at strings desperately hoping to find a place to move which I could actually afford on a minimum wage income, and when my friend's mother offered to take me in and let me stay in a room in her basement, I just couldn't refuse. She even offered to let me stay for free at first, but I insisted on at least paying her a small rent, as I knew that this was going to be at least somewhat long term.



DeadOperaStar
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04 Apr 2014, 2:18 am

i would say try being 30, but that sounds kinda snarky. that being said, i'm 30, and i've lived with my mom and her bf for almost a year now. they're very chill about everything, and sympathize with the crash landing from the bad relationship i was in, plus the fact that i'm coming from living in a foreign country for 3-4 years. but yeah. no matter how nice anyone is, it is f*****g awkward, don't get me wrong. you're an adult, and just have no capacity for anyone else's stuff anymore. i would say s**t instead of stuff, but you know.. it's not really like that, just.. as an adult you need privacy. and probably even more as a spectrum person. there's times i really love having everyone around and having cool conversations with people i know and trust. and then there's other times i just wanna like.. do whatever i want without worrying about being considerate to others. which in my mind is really the prime joy of being grown and on your own.

and not to mention, hate to say it, but.. it's unavoidable that people will form a lesser opinion of you in western culture for being of a certain age and still at home. i'm really frustrated with myself.. i've really worked hard to be more than what i am now, but it's hard to see what my efforts have actually done. i mean.. i'm a 30 year old guy working in a gas station living with his folks. my college degree and my knowledge of a second language don't really mean a whole lot in that equation, it turns out. not that i don't value those things, but.. you'd just like to see a little more return, wouldn't you?



AutisticGuy1981
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04 Apr 2014, 9:38 am

Living alone isn't all it's hyped up to be.

Even if you don't like being around other people when you live alone and you realise there's no one else around it can quickly become very lonely especially if you are forced to spent a lot of time there because of ASD and lack of actual friends.

I guess it's a lot easier to end up feeling trapped in your life as well when your not around other people much, even when it's people you wouldn't really speak to much anyway



Ann2011
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04 Apr 2014, 9:40 am

AutisticGuy1981 wrote:
Living alone isn't all it's hyped up to be.

Even if you don't like being around other people when you live alone and you realise there's no one else around it can quickly become very lonely especially if you are forced to spent a lot of time there because of ASD and lack of actual friends.

I guess it's a lot easier to end up feeling trapped in your life as well when your not around other people much, even when it's people you wouldn't really speak to much anyway

This is what gets me. I have lived on my own and I deteriorated quickly. Mom drives me nuts, but at least she keeps me from descending into the dark depths of my mind.


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04 Apr 2014, 10:20 am

Ann2011 wrote:
AutisticGuy1981 wrote:
Living alone isn't all it's hyped up to be.

Even if you don't like being around other people when you live alone and you realise there's no one else around it can quickly become very lonely especially if you are forced to spent a lot of time there because of ASD and lack of actual friends.

I guess it's a lot easier to end up feeling trapped in your life as well when your not around other people much, even when it's people you wouldn't really speak to much anyway

This is what gets me. I have lived on my own and I deteriorated quickly. Mom drives me nuts, but at least she keeps me from descending into the dark depths of my mind.


I agree with this. I expressed a similar thought in FallingDownMan's thread about the disintegration of his family:
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp5979355.html#5979355



GivePeaceAChance
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07 Apr 2014, 7:49 am

AutisticGuy1981 wrote:
Living alone isn't all it's hyped up to be.

Even if you don't like being around other people when you live alone and you realise there's no one else around it can quickly become very lonely especially if you are forced to spent a lot of time there because of ASD and lack of actual friends.

I guess it's a lot easier to end up feeling trapped in your life as well when your not around other people much, even when it's people you wouldn't really speak to much anyway


I actually prefer being alone to being around people I can't get along with - and I seem to rub everyone the wrong way or they take advantage of me. So I just live in cheaper neighborhoods


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11 Apr 2014, 8:24 pm

You're not alone. Many people are forced to live with their parents or move back in with their parents. The economy makes it difficult for many to live independently. I am 28 and rent a room in a house with other adults because I can't afford an apartment. Before I came to grad school I lived with my parents for a few years after a lay-off (I got a job subbing but it wasn't enough to afford my own place) and my brother, sister and brother-in-law, and a family friend and her daughter also lived with us for a while (we split the rent, utilities and groceries together). Its hard not having your own space but sometimes it just isn't possible and that doesn't reflex badly on you.