When is it okay to be direct?

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Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

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Joined: 23 Mar 2013
Gender: Male
Posts: 39

03 Apr 2014, 8:30 am

So there's a guy I like, who's NT.
We'll go for a month texting once or twice a week
that we should get together, but actually hang out maybe
only once a month out of all that (he and I both get very busy).
When we are together though, I think we really click, and I'd
like a relationship.

Now, I really want to just be direct and ask him,
"Do we go for month-long periods of not seeing each other
because you're actually not interested in me; or are you
really just busy and do like me--in which case, can we take it to
the next level?"
But I get the feeling that that's too direct.
Any advice or insights? I'm terrible at reading these sorts
of situations.
If I had it my way, people would just say what they're really
thinking and we wouldn't have to deal with all this duplicitous nonsense;
but I've learned the hard way that most of the time the world
does not like to hear what you truly think, even when it's good.


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Joined: 8 Jul 2012
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03 Apr 2014, 9:15 am

Simply ask him a question that he can only respond with "yes" or "no". Ie. "Would you like you to go to dinner on Saturday?"

Your Aspie score: 130 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 88 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie


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Joined: 3 Oct 2013
Age: 51
Gender: Female
Posts: 698

03 Apr 2014, 4:05 pm

Does he know you're on the spectrum?

If so, just say "Look, I know this is probably quite blunt, but this is the way I am..."

However, do not be surprised if he genuinely doesn't know the answer to the question and is unable to provide you with as direct an answer. He may feel pressured by the question and back off because of it. I think it's a risk you may have to take.

I find prefacing stuff like that, showing that you're aware it may be blunt is less awkward or hurtful than just blurting stuff out (NT unhappily married to ASD)

Also you may want to include a kind of statement like "try taking it to the next step" because relationships are unpredictable.

He may be uncertain about his feelings for you or he may be stringing you along or he may be crazy busy.


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Joined: 2 Nov 2004
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03 Apr 2014, 11:39 pm

I've found being direct in this case makes them very uncomfortable. From my experience, it usually means "You'll do while you're available".

I never give people of the benefit of the doubt now.


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Joined: 15 Jan 2008
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Posts: 6,662
Location: SLC, Utah

04 Apr 2014, 5:42 am

The latter may be a bit direct, but if you don't ask him, he might just keep doing what he's doing. There does come a time when you need to be direct, and when there's no communication and you have no idea where you stand, that's a great time to do so.

If Jesus died for my sins, then I should sin as much as possible, so he didn't die for nothing.