Allowing Yourself To Be Aspie

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I'm glad I'm not the only one!


I do what I can to avoid it. Some things are easy. Even as a child I understood that stimming was something to hide and do in solitude only, not that I've ever done a lot of stimming anyway. As I grew out of my early childhood they have been down to fiddling, fidgeting or tapping. I try to avoid them when I'm out, but sometimes I do, and I've seen others fiddle or tap too, so it doesn't worry me too much. (For a time after finding out about AS I developed another one that was never done anywhere but when I was home alone. I have now gotten it out of the system. It's so embarrassing I won't even say what it was.) I don't do other kinds of stims than those related to fingers, and the occasional pacing when anxious or thoughtful (haven't since 2009).
I never have meltdowns, so there is nothing to avoid there. I'm not sensitive to light, smell or noise, so that's not a problem.

There are two things that I do that I try not to, but I keep forgetting. I walk stiffly, and I have a tendency to look down. I don't allow myself to but I forget.

This will only apply to people I actually know: I have a hard time changing subject when I still have more to say about something, especially when I'm worried about something, otherwise emotional, or have obsessions. The first two will usually only apply to my mother, and sometimes a doctor. I do my best, and at least it's not something I usually do.

Last edited by Skilpadde on 07 Apr 2014, 8:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.

When i was little I engaged in all sorts of stereotypical behaviors - mostly flapping and mild echolalia. There was literally a time in which half the time instead of replying to someone i would reply to them in pokemon and never understand why they couldn't understand what i was 'telling' them. I think i even did it in school, too. But this stopped before i even got out of elementary school cause my parents took away all things pokemon save videogames and i learned that, in short, anything i obsess over no one else cares about and will find annoying and i have to act like everyone else and adhere to everyone's expectations.

Nowadays, most of my stims might not even qualify as stims. I fidget, pace, if i'm wearing a ring i'll twirl it around my finger endlessly, play with my necklace if i'm wearing one, if i have a pen or one is nearby i'll pick it up and twirl it around in my hands, and if im alone in my room i'll pick the skin off my lip somewhat compulsively. I've done that since i was really little though and its one thing i've never outgrown.

I know!! Isn't it funny how that works!

Skil, Even though you try to not show any symptoms or traits in public would you really change your path and go out of your way just to not walk past someone who is stimming? I am not judging you about this I just find it fascinating. I was not judging you either DVCal. But I was just hoping that people would not choose to deliberately go into an obvious path out of their way to avoid someone like that. That sounds really insensitive to me especially since we all know and understand what stimming is. It's great if you don't want to do it yourself but it would make me feel really self conscious and hurt and embarrassed if someone deliberately crossed the street so that they would not have to be seen on the same side of the street as I was. I have had similar things happen to me because of the color of my skin and I think this might hurt me just as much.

There are plenty of people with all kinds of issues who do weird stuff in public. If you see one of these people and automatically think, oh that autistic is giving us a bad name, then maybe you have a little autistic-self-hatred going on. There are NT guys with their butts hanging out of their pants, NTs having loud phone conversations in public, people with PTSD, schizophrenics, people with severe anxiety, people on all kinds of drugs (legal or not, prescribed or not), generally eccentric people, people from foreign countries doing things considered normal "over there", drunks, attention-seekers, NT teenagers, and so on, and so on. I reached a certain age and stopped caring whether people were judging me.

Exactly.

Before I found out I was Autistic I only did obvious stims or other 'autistic behaviours' when I was on my own, because I didn't want to stand out or do things that other people would comment on or tease me about.

Since finding out about my Autisticness I've gradually been doing more stims, and more obvious ones, in public. I started using stim toys (Tangles and stress balls), hiding them at first, but now I use them more openly, and I occasionally rock. I cover my ears when there's a loud noise, whereas before I'd just try to bear the pain or stress. I haven't had any bad reactions yet, but I did get someone asking if I was ok because I had my hands over my ears, which made by uncomfortable.

But I feel more comfortable about stimming in public on the university campus than in other public places.

What changed:
I became less ashamed of my Autisticness when I found out what it was.
I found the Autistic community and read blogs by people who are proud to be Autistic.
My self-esteem has increased and I generally feel less self-conscious than I used to, and I feel safer when I'm on the uni campus.
I became friends with an autist who I admire and who rocks in public. I thought she had good reasons for doing it.
My cat died and sometimes when I was out in public I felt such a huge sadness that I had to rock to release it and in those moments I didn't care what other people thought. The fact that I didn't actually get a bad reaction those times made me feel it would be ok to rock at other times.

But I do still suppress rocking in public a lot of the time and just play with my stim toys.

You were the first one I thought of when I typed that. I was wondering if you remembered that episode

I definitely feel as though i need to put on an act in public. I will only ever allow myself to be completely myself when i am certain there is no one around.

It is extremely hard work to keep up this act though, which means sometimes I get so drained that I just can't be bothered to keep it up anymore. For example, the times when I find it hardest to keep up the 'act', is when I'm hungry, stressed, tired or angry. It's usually at these times when I feel the most exposed and so I just try to avoid human contact at all costs until i've eaten some food or had some alone time to restore my energy.

The main battle I face with my AS is masking emotions and I have quite a bad anger problem. The reason I try not to allow myself to 'act naturally' is because this will make NTs think I'm some sort of 'weirdo' (which I think is my least favorite word in the English language). If you don't behave like NTs expect you to, it makes you a weirdo. If you're a weirdo no one wants anything to do with you. However saying this, there are a lot of people out there who I really couldn't care less what their opinion is of me. I think this is mainly people who I know are a lot less intelligent than myself. It's these people who I think I can be myself around the most.

I actually think as I've got older (I am 22) I have had to hide my true self more and more. I think this is because my aspie behavior is a lot less acceptable as a young adult than it was when I was a child/teenager. I feel as though there is no longer an excuse.