Going of your crush?

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I asked my mum once "why would someone who once had a crush on you at a later stage may not be attracted to you anymore"

My mum said in response "well because there crush will be 'older'"


I don't understand what does being older have to do with it?

people types change as they get older

The thing is people change overtime, they experience, realize, learn stuff. No ones mind is the same as it was a month, year or a few years before. The preferences change with ones knowledge about the world.

And the "crush" also becomes other person with time. Ones might like the person from a month, year, a few years before but they don't like how the crush changed. The change went to a way that doesn't fit their preferences anymore.

It sounds like a weird way of saying "people's interests change over time"

I would say a crush is basically your first impression, after that it changes for better or for worse.

It's because infatuation is short lived.

Her response was stupid.

What do you mean exactly? Are you asking, why someone stops having a crush on someone?

It has something to do with brain chemistry/biology. Basically, a crush lasts for about 6 moths to 2 years. (usually, if I remember right) The feeling of having a crush is chemistry in your brain, and it'll worn out eventually. If you are more interested in this you can actually just google it.

I've had a number of crushes over the years. One in particular that stands out I thought at first was my dream girl or soulmate but slowly realized over time she was borderline narcissistic and had a sky high opinion of herself despite being overweight and not really that attractive. I liked her for her intelligence but her constant bragging about it turned me off and she wasn't as polite as she presented herself to be. Needless to say I saw her on a dating site years later and quickly closed the match.

Maybe it's because the crush doesn't look as good when their older

I don't get it either, but it definitely happens for most people. For me, unless I learn that a person has narcissistic personality disorder or something equally impossible, I will probably continue to find them cute years later.

Most people seem to get over a crush in a few weeks to a few months, so if you wait to act, you will probably lose your chance.

A crush is by definition a temporary state . . . I think that what she is saying is that the crush has faded over time. This is normal.

People do change and so does one's perception of them.

I recently had an enjoyable chat with the woman I have mentioned elsewhere (at a Club I belong to) and her partner of a year and a half. It's all friendly and chatty and I simply don't fancy her or (as I did for a short time) love her anymore. Plus, she's started ageing quite a bit over the last few years so though she's still a really lovely person, she's not as hot as she was. If I had been her partner I don't think that would have mattered, but free from the cloudy fog of desire, it is a relevant factor.

Don't get me wrong, I look back with fondness on how I felt about her and I am still hurt that I wasn't fit to be anybody's boyfriend that the time; but if it wasn't for that horrible experience I would never have healed enough (from previous life traumas) nor learned enough life skills to be a good boyfriend to anybody.

And since I have started the early stages of romancing somebody else "for real" at last, I do need to be ready for the role in case, as I hope, things do get that far

It's not so much that people change…it's how others perceive them that changes. It's easy to crush on someone when you don't know them all that well. When you get to know them better, you find that the qualities that precipitated the crush were only illusory.

As to that whole "getting older" bit… I think your "type" does tend to change as you get older because you want to pair up with someone with interests you hold in common. I couldn't come out and say this then, but when I was still in college I was attracted to teenagers. As you get older, your options are a bit limited…you can't date underaged girls because you can get arrested if her dad doesn't like you. Deflowering an 18-year old college freshman becomes a sort of sport if you're into that. But in those years finding "the one" isn't quite as urgent as it is finding someone you can just have fun with, i.e. someone you can go drinking/dancing/bowling/movies with and maybe a little something extra besides if you catch my meaning. Girls just wanna have fun as much as guys do at that age. I'm in my mid-30s. So I'm less concerned with recreation and getting laid than I am being good at what I do and making a career out of my interests. At some point between 25-30 at the latest, you really do need to start making some babies, so if you are somehow single between 30-40, you're going to be more concerned with stability than anything else. In your 40s, you're more concerned with your kids than anything else. In your 50s, you're wrapping up your career and preparing for retirement/second career. You're not far off from grandkids by this point. Throughout your 60s-70s, you're just enjoying your hobbies, community activities, etc.

Let's say you're 75. After all this time, you FINALLY can afford to buy that electric train set you always wanted as a kid but never had the time or the money to work on. You've got an entire portable building dedicated to your trains. Explain to me exactly how a 19-year old college sophomore is going to find that attractive? All this guy ever does is sit on his front porch, whittle sticks, and play with his trains, I wanna go DANCING!! ! I wanna get drunk, but this guy has a heart condition…whut????

The widow next door, on the other hand, really just doesn't want to be alone. She spends her days with her cats and her knitting. So her only real interest in another person is keeping warm on a cold night and not having to eat breakfast by herself. She doesn't really care if a guy spends all day playing with trains and going fishing.

Obviously I'm exaggerating a little bit. But where you are in your timeline is going to have an effect on your interests. I'm a musician, been playing with a couple of bands, play in a church, teach piano lessons…I've got some good experience and think it's time to release my long-overdue first instrumental albums. I'm also a stay-at-home dad with three kids. If I were single and looking, I'd be interested in someone willing to partner with me for gigs and who probably already had kids of her own, or at least might be interested in having children if she didn't already. I'd be interested in someone with a good steady income who can support herself since I don't make a whole lot of money right now. And she'd have to be ok with the fact that I'm lucky to come up with enough money to take her out to dinner maybe once every other month. Not a lot of "normal" women can really handle that, but I'm also the kind of guy that will give most anyone a chance. If I'm ever able to make a lot of money, then this won't be an issue, and I certainly don't intend to stay poor for the rest of my life. But I have no illusions, either. And I don't see what a teenager could ever see in me at my age. I'm not saying it COULDN'T work out, but I doubt the likelihood that someone 18-19 would ever take a lasting interest in me. I'm not a sugardaddy, and I'm certainly not interested in a golddigger. Actually did briefly date one once. She had a heavy crush on me, but that wore off the longer we stayed together and when the money ran out. So…no, I'm not going back there. It's certainly OK if someone 18-21 showed a lasting interest in a 40yo, but most often the age difference brings disparate interests which spawns conflict. You really have to be careful with that.