Am I supposed to be embarassed?

Post Reply New Topic

I would like to hear some stories from others on the forum about situations where others apparently feel you were supposed to be embarrassed about something.

Maybe you walk away thinking, hmm, I don't understand why this is but I'm embarrassed now and will not do this next time. Or maybe it's more like, to heck with you, you can frame it this way if you want, but it is completely irrational and I'm not going to apologize or walk away with my tail between my legs.

Example:
=======
At work, we file bug reports against software. There was a bug report where I had put a comment in the bottom of the report because I had found some new information. Then 15 minutes later I posted another comment, which contained a correction to the first. The next day after I was trying to verify the now resolved bug, I had a new piece of information that was critical to the issue at hand, so I then added that to the bug report as another comment.

We were going over the bugs later that day and my QA lead says, "Geez, what is with all these comments, what are you doing, dropping comment bombs on us like that?..." He wasn't being super-serious but it is a sentiment I've heard time and time again, both in regards to this sort of thing and with sending of e-mails to people.

In the past I would have sort of just sat lower in my chair and thought, "Gee, why cant I do anything right." But in the past I had more of a confidence problem. This time I said, with complete confidence:

"Am I supposed to be embarrassed? Is there some kind of an arbitrary limit of 1 or 2 comments in a bug report,, and perhaps by violating said limit I did not conform to your social norms, and therefore I need to be ostracized? "

When I was 10 I was over at a friend's house. We had gone swimming in the lake and when we were changing back into our clothes I noticed she had pubic hair. I did not yet, she was a couple of years older than I was, and I asked her about it. Apparently she was really embarrassed and told me I was not supposed to ask people questions like that. I still don't know why it was wrong to ask. We were alone and it was just a clinical kind of question.

I also asked someone once while we were out eating at a restaurant why he chewed his nails. He wasn't doing it at the time but I noticed that his nails were chewed way down. He said that I had a bad habit of asking personal questions. I still don't know why that is a personal question. I guess I must have embarrassed him.

Another time a little kid asked me a question about private parts in front of a lot of people. Everyone else looked embarrassed but I did not understand why it was embarrassing. I just answered the question in a matter of fact clinical sort of way. It was a legitimate question and I gave her the answer. It's just a bodily function. I did not see any reason for embarrassment.

I've had similar experiences.

I had to post this, I could not resist. In a meeting immediately after posting my original post on this topic --

Everybody keeps on teasing the meeting presenter (the same QA lead I mentioned before) about the fact he has a ton of icons on his desktop. He says things in response, like "Hey, I'm working on it, okay?"

Even though it is just joking around, the joke is dependent upon the basic premise that he should be ashamed of having more icons on his desktop than the next guy. I found it hilarious given the topic I just got through posting.

My co-worker should just stop and say, wait a minute, why on @#$^# does it matter if I have a lot of desktop icons!?!?


Edit: I feel like I'm Facebooking and/or tweeting here. I probably should be embarrassed about that!

your probably reading into it too much

people like to mention things that are out of the ordinary

Well from that example, I don't see nothing to be embarrassed about at all. To me... That comment from the QA Lead looks like a complement for good bug reporting. It seems like light hearted humour and has a positive tone...

Similar goes with the desktop icons thing as well... It's just a joke, like perhaps taking the mick of the lack of disorganisation skills, it's not going to represent an actual and serious lack of organisational skills. Well that's how that looks to me...

I suppose I opened myself up to that point of view on the topic.

WRT to the bug reports -- You can actually tell in someone's voice when they are very uncomfortable that you have done something that strays outside the social norms that they are expecting from you. I've had that way too often from people about e-mails, if you reach 3 e-mails on the same topic they start to get uncomfortable and judgemental. I once had a DSL installer come right out and say that it was nuts that I was sending him multiple e-mails on the same subject. I'm just pointing out it is an irrational thing for them to be worrying about.

With the desktop icons, this is the way I look at it:

Many of us spend too much time acting apologetic or feeling ashamed/stressed over something that just doesn't matter. It is a normal and expected occurrence for them to tease someone about having a lot of clutter on his desktop. I just decided I'm never again going to allow that small amount of shame when I can just say whatever dude, if you want me to apologize I'm not going to -- my desktop is mine and I'll keep it however I want.

NONE of these sound like they are anything to be embarrassed about, especially the "technical" ones b_edward shared. The first one = thoroughness, while the second = "none of anyone else's beeswax."

Not really--we need a place of our own too, right?

As for the others: just questions, when it comes right down to it. I understand that some topics have been labeled as "taboo", but I've never understood WHY they have. Same with certain words. For those of you who remember the show DINOSAURS from the 1990s, take a look at this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aysQqG7kxac (Sorry, couldn't embed for some reason.)

I worked in software too. This guy sounds like a dick. He was probably trying to express his dominance in some way for some reason I never understand. Good for you for sticking up for yourself! In truth, he is probably threatened by your skill and expertise.

I don't see it as dominance. I have seen many NT types seem to get really uncomfortable when they see several messages or e-mails in a row, and I think the reaction to the bug report comments are the same basic thing. I think they somehow seem to see it as similar to the way people treat the notion of wearing socks+sandals.

Try to not to be embarrassed. This is an NT way of trying to make light conversation. It's like puppies nipping at each other.

The idea is, things that people *want* you to be embarrassed about.

I also do not think people should be the slightest bit apologetic if they choose to wear socks and sandals.

Wow, I see that kind of teasing all the time. I also genuinely do feel embarrassed when someone teases me like that, mostly because it was something that I didn't know was considered bad or what have you. I don't know why, but you pointing it out in this context really does illustrate how arbitrary NT social rules are. I feel like he would have been picked on just as much for having an empty desktop with no icons, since I'm sure that's an equal indicator of some ostracizable offense.

I feel like it's that kind of teasing that made the QA feel entitled to publicly criticize your comments, which were probably in direct accordance with your job description. If that's the case, I fail to see how NTs can get off on believing their arbitrary social rule literally made up two seconds ago bears any weight...

And you definitely shouldn't feel embarrassed. I don't tweet or facebook, but I feel like this has a lot more substance to it.