About to Crash

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Ever feel like you're living on borrowed time? Everything is about to com crashing down around me and I feel like I'm just sitting back and waiting for it to happen. I'm a grad student and I started my clinical practicum a year ago. Immediately realized that this wasn't right for me. Never have been able to relate to children and now I have to provide speech therapy to a couple. I ended that semester on academic probation. Fast forward a year and I'm right back in the same situation. I hate my clinicals. I thought since over the years I've received so much help from others, that I might be able to relate and give back in this way. Let's just say my intentions were noble, but I overestimated my ability to be thrust into intense social situations.

I'm stuck. I've put so much time, money, and effort into my education and now if I can't get my grades up in three weeks I'm going to be kicked about of school by the Office of Graduate Studies. My academic advisor asked me two days ago what my backup plan was. I didn't have an answer, but thought facetiously about saying "Suicide."

My parents won't accept me failing out of grad school. They'll pin it on me saying it's because I'm lazy and didn't try hard enough. They'll say they can't believe that I pissed away the greatest opportunity I've ever had. They won't understand the sheer anxiety that I've gone through trying to plan out a therapy session and watching it fail as I'm unable to think on my feet fast enough to put things back together. Whether they say it or not, and I wouldn't put it past my mother to NOT say it, I'll be made to feel like a worthless failure. It becomes hard to disagree under the inevitable tirade.

I don't know where I'm going with this anymore. I thought I had a point when I started writing, but it's gone now. I just wish I could know with certainty that my struggles in school have been because of executive dysfunction and that I could convince others of it if so. Otherwise it's hard to swallow that this all IS my fault...

I feel exactly like I'm living on borrowed time. Everything is crashing down around me. Used to be slowly but it's a little faster now.

Maybe you can struggle through to finish your degree? Maybe you could get a job that doesn't involve administering therapy after you graduate. Or maybe you will get into the swing of it after a while. There could only be a limited number of questions/issues/etc. parents will have and you can come up with memorized answers to those questions and issues. I know it won't be easy though, not trying to downplay it. I am very socially avoidant and that job would terrify me. But you've come so far that maybe you can ride it out? Maybe after you get used to the social aspects of doing exams/therapy it could become like a routine that you could handle? And you will get used to handling kids too... they can be little b*stards sometimes but they are not too hard to handle one-on-one once you get used to it (groups of kids are another story)...

It probably is because of social functioning, executive function problems that you're struggling more than someone else would. But that isn't helpful since it's still harder... maybe you can struggle through then reevaluate what to do after you graduate? I guess it's do that or fail/quit... no good options. Sorry man, good luck. Hang in there.

Yikes - I feel for you. I knew I guy who went all the way through grad school then abandoned that career after clinical troubles. I personally did some grad work in counseling but dropped out after experiencing shutdown in some group sessions, requiring some career plan revisions. I did fine in individual sessions, but the group work freaked me out.

I hope you can find a career path the builds on the work you've done, yet bypasses the parts you are having trouble with.

I feel for you too. I have a most of a degree myself.

So you have three weeks, it's probably possible if you approach it the right way, it sounds like the stress of the situation is the first hurdle you need to get over. Stress can be debilitating, so you need to put that aside if you are going to try to get back in the groove.

Otherwise it really is time to think of a back up plan, not the best situation to aim for clear sighted and balanced thinking about your long term future, but that's life for you. A wise person knows when to retreat and regroup rather than deliberately throw themselves in to the fire. As for dealing with your parents, you will just need to tough that out and explain why you have made the choice that you have.
Is there a tangential subject that you could transfer your course credits to?

What is your GPA--and what is the GPA they want?

I know what you mean by the clinicals; I had to go through them myself in order to my Bachelor's in Speech Pathology.

Whenever you're in therapy with the children, emphasize the target pronunciation (e.g., /s/ when they produce /th/. If you know how to manipulate the mouth to enable the kid to pronounce that phoneme during therapy, do it. I would be able to advise you better if I had actual cases to consider.

Always have a PLAN before each session.

Use the CELF methodology.

Are you receiving "accommodations" right now? If you are, take advantage of them.

Clinical writing, fortunately, is bare-bones stuff. You just have to use your CELF notes. for each session when you're writing a summary of the session In clinical end-term summaries, you have to write out the goal, and how far the kid achieved toward that goal. The reasons why you think he/she did not reach that goal. It has to be presented simply, objectively. The diagnosis. The early history. It's all pretty well cut and dry in Clinical. Really it is.

What is your GPA now---and what GPA will be required to get you off probation?

My therapist says don't stress about things that haven't happened. I know that sounds kind of simplistic, but if you think about it, all it does is freak you out. It doesn't make the current situation any better, and doesn't prevent the thing you are afraid of from happening. Concentrate on the now. Do the things you have to do the best you can do them. That may mean they aren't done as well as you would like, it may mean you aren't able to fake the same glowing personality some of your peers may have when doing therapy or talking to parents. If it was me going to a speech therapist, I would care a lot more about their knowledge and technical ability than their personality. If you can communicate the therapeutic aspects to the child such that they get it, then to me that's all that matters. Try lessening the pressure on yourself to be socially graceful.

As for your parents, if you already know what they will say, then what they will say really has more to do with them than you. If nothing you do produces a different response in them, e.g. trying to explain your side to them, then they need you to be the things they will call you. Doesn't mean you are those things, but they need to see you as those things in order to protect their psyches. Perhaps they suspect they are failures in some aspect of their lives, maybe there was an opportunity they pissed away.

Please hang in there no matter what happens. If you fail, your parents will have to accept it unless they are psychotic. Nothing is ever as hopeless as it seems while you are in the midst of the pain. The pain will pass. Don't do anything rash.

Okay, take my advice for what it's worth....

1. There is life outside of grad school. If you flunk out, the world will not end. You can make a living without a graduate degree.

2. As each year passes since I finished grad school and I'm no better off (I'm 45 now), I'm also feeling like I'm on "borrowed time" because age discrimination is real, it starts at 30, is noticed by many at 40, and most are "unemployable" by 50. I still haven't landed a "good job," and in a few years, I'm going to have to accept it won't ever happen short of a miracle.

3. It's not "your fault" per se. Sure, you can examine every moment and see where you could have made smarter choices, but I see a lot of morons who are living better than me, in better jobs, all because they were born with circumstances I never got or knew what to do when the right opportunity came along. In business circles, you can do everything just as they say you should and you STILL would have an 80% chance of failing in the first couple of years. There is no magic formula for "success" in life...just tactics that help improve your odds.

Thanks for the responses everyone. It's been rather cathartic just voicing my concerns and having people respond.

When I was first put on academic probation, my GPA had fallen to a 2.67. I'm currently sitting at a 2.98 and need at least a 3.00 to remain in the program. On top of this, I cannot hold more than three C's in any of my graduate courses. I'm taking 3 courses along with clinic this semester for a total of 9 credit hours. I'm currently sitting at an A in both Motor Speech Disorders and Traumatic Brain Injuries. I'm retaking Dysphagia this semester to override the C I received previously. I missed the first exam in Dysphagia and didn't inform my instructor. She allowed me to retake the exam for half credit only. For this reason I have a D+ currently. If I receive A's on all future lab assignments and the final the best I can receive is a B-.

At my midterm clinic evaluation I was told that given my current level of performance I was sitting at a C+. Issues of biggest concern were professionalism in communicating with my supervisor and time management in the timely submission of reports. Data collection and clinical writing were listed as a strengths. My supervisor commented that my lesson plans, those that were submitted, were the most detailed and thorough she'd ever seen in her time as a clinician and as a supervisor. Yeah, when I do do something I'm a perfectionist.

I am not currently receiving any accommodations through the university aside from perhaps the remediation plan that the Communication Disorders faculty placed me on. That was really more of a "Do this, or else" kind of write up than a "Here's what we can do for you" kind of thing. I've been hesitant I guess to seek accommodations as I don't really know how to quantify what it is I need. I don't have anything official stating I have any deficits aside from a diagnosis of clinical depression and social anxiety from seven or so years back. Maybe I can try to show that those contribute to impairments in executive functioning. I doubt I'd get very far with my self-diagnosis of ASD.

It's kinda ironic that my current client's mother is the one who kind of clued me in on the ASD thing. She's an extreme Type A personality who isn't afraid to speak her mind to the point it's a struggle to even get a word in. My attempts to be "professional" have lead to several faux pas moments where my comments have been misinterpreted. After the first couple of sessions she even commented to my supervisor with me present, "What is up with this kid? When I first met him I thought he had Aspergers' or something." I laughed it off at first, but I have a tendency to take everything at face value so I was forced to analyze it as a possibility and was rather shocked at how well it fit. Add in the fact that initially she wasn't pleased that I, as a male clinician, was providing therapy to her 16 year-old daughter and was simply going to "Give it a week or two to see how it goes" and the seeds of anxiety and self-doubt were well established. I have self-esteem and confidence issues already and that obviously didn't help things any.

So, yeah. That's the hand I've been dealt and now I just have to decide how best to play it out.

It's definitely not hopeless. Only 0.02 points to go. Just submit the reports on time. Play nice with the supervisor. If you get a B in the practicum, you're home free.

Swallowing disorders are serious; they bore me as well.