Becoming free from embarassment and shame

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binaryodes
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26 Apr 2014, 10:47 am

How close are you to becoming free from social guilt/embarassment/shame? Can you honestly say that you experience no embarassment? Could you commit x social taboo without any shame at all? Any advice on how to approach that? What was your journey like achieving that kind of self confidence?

If you're not there yet do you have a plan to do so? Do you even feel the need to

I suppose im asking how to suppress your social conscience. Not your moral conscience but the feelings that are invoked by breaking social norms or taboos and i.e. being overweight/ugly/rude/socially inept.


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LabPet
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26 Apr 2014, 12:49 pm

Your post raises an interesting point. I guess it's safe to say that the emotional capacity for many of is lesser than our neurotypical counterparts. For myself, I am certainly confident in stating that I may not have the full range of 'normal' (neurotypical) emotions. For instance, I do not feel jealousy. Being somewhat distanced from my emotions may have given me my logical approach. Or at least, we might agree that Aspies express/feel their emotions differently.

Importantly, I hugely feel shame/embarrassment. For me, the worst possible scenario is to be humiliated. I virtually cannot process shame; it's like an overwhelming tide of sickening emotion. And I've had people shame me hard.....I do not deserve such treatment and it badly hurts.

So I wish I had a way to overcome embarrassment/shame, but I do not. I do know that my neurotypical friends are far, far better at putting it into perspective. When I've been hurt unnecessarily, they might say, in response, "Well, he's a jerk - it's his problem" (or the equivalent), but I really struggle with being able to put another's bad behaviour into context. Resulting, I get hurt.

In terms of how to suppress one's social conscience? Well, I guess the ability to put it into context. And maybe a sense of humour. Being able to confide in another for comfort, which I pretty much cannot do.


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Skilpadde
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26 Apr 2014, 1:27 pm

binaryodes wrote:
How close are you to becoming free from social guilt/embarassment/shame? Can you honestly say that you experience no embarassment? Could you commit x social taboo without any shame at all?

No on all of those and I'm glad for it. I wouldn't want to be like that, and I wouldn't want to be around someone who who lacked those feelings either. I do care to some degree about how I and those I am close to come off and I see that as a good thing.

It all comes down to everything in moderation IMO.


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TheValk
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26 Apr 2014, 1:35 pm

I say fight fire with fire.



LupaLuna
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26 Apr 2014, 2:08 pm

LabPet wrote:
So I wish I had a way to overcome embarrassment/shame, but I do not. I do know that my neurotypical friends are far, far better at putting it into perspective. When I've been hurt unnecessarily, they might say, in response, "Well, he's a jerk - it's his problem" (or the equivalent), but I really struggle with being able to put another's bad behaviour into context. Resulting, I get hurt.


If you could overcome embarrassment/shame. then you could become a good politician. There are two primary ingredients that make up a politician. 1). They are professional lairs. They never tell the truth no matter what and they must always convince there followers that they never lie. 2). As a politician, they must demonstrate that they have the power to concur and defect embarrassment, shame and humiliation. they never hide, run, avoid or ignore it. they take it face on fight it to the bitter end.



Vomelche
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26 Apr 2014, 2:51 pm

I would say I am virtually free. As you get older, after all those frustrations you stop caring about what other people think and want more to get what you want out of life.



qawer
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26 Apr 2014, 3:07 pm

TheValk wrote:
I say fight fire with fire.


Exactly. And what do you need in order to get away with shooting back?

Independence.


There is a reason the feline family long so much for independence, as they do.



starkid
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26 Apr 2014, 4:16 pm

Skilpadde wrote:
I do care to some degree about how I and those I am close to come off and I see that as a good thing.


It's possible to care about how one comes off without experiencing shame.


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GibbieGal
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26 Apr 2014, 9:22 pm

starkid wrote:
Skilpadde wrote:
I do care to some degree about how I and those I am close to come off and I see that as a good thing.


It's possible to care about how one comes off without experiencing shame.


Yes; I think there's a difference between embarrassment and shame. Embarrassment can be a healthy response to offending others or making yourself look ridiculous; shame is more the belief that the self is worthless and bad.

When I was diagnosed with Asperger's, I experienced some relief from shame; I was actually doing well (for me!) whereas before I'd just assumed that my differences were just bad behaviors and I couldn't accomplish anything or be the person I was supposed to be.



OliveOilMom
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27 Apr 2014, 1:32 am

Why would you want to not care if you went around breaking social conventions? If nobody cared how they fit in and how others thought about them then nobody would use manners and everybody would just be out for themselves. Why would you want that?


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binaryodes
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27 Apr 2014, 5:14 pm

I think I need to clarify social vs moral conscience. Moral conscience is the impulse to preserve one's ethical framework. Dont steal cheat lie murder etc. Social conscience is defined by general societal consensus and includes such things as not going out without makeup on or ensuring that you walk down Bond Street in nothing but the finest silks from Saville Row.

There is intersection, for example not parading around in the nude is probably a moral thing to do since people are generally offended by the sight of raw flesh. An adult playing in a child's park is also socially taboo but is also evidently a moral taboo.

However for the most part social conventions stifle and subjugate those who are subjected to them. Think about the cult of beauty or the obsession with power and dominance in male hierarchies


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