How to avoid mother hens

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I seem to attract mother hens most of the time. They are kind of nice, but I don't want to be friends with them. They tend to make me feel and look childish and naive. I really just want to look like a normal person.

As a potential Mother Hen, I would suggest you tell us how patronising you find our attitude! If you do I in a respectful honest way maybe you will keep us as friends who really understand you and treat you in the way you like. Our hearts are usually in the right place I think.

I'm scared that will make me look more childish. I also tend to find mother hen types boring and vanilla.

Maybe try to make friends with another person with a disability or somebody younger than you.

Honest, respectful communication is seen by many as a sign of maturity.

If you can calmly and respectfully acknowledge what is probably intended as kindness, tell them how their actions affect you, and what you would like them to do differently (even if it's just "please stop doing [thing that makes you feel patronized/whatever-you-feel]"), I don't see how that would make you look childish.

Keep in mind, too, that just because someone is inclined to try to look after you doesn't mean they see you as childish or naive -- some people just have this drive to look after everyone, or do so because it's their way of being friends, so it may have nothing to do with thinking you're childish. (They may incorrectly assume you can't do things, don't know things, or need advice when that's not the case, but none of those incorrect assumptions would require someone to also see you as childish/naive.)

unfortunately I've found they seldom take a hint, but can get very flustered/defensive if told their help isn't needed and/or hasn't been requested. In general I find it best to avoid such people. The mother-henning comes from psychological drives of their own, and their interests don't necessarily line up with mine. Plus the ones I've confided in have been happy to tell my business all over the place as soon as I've stopped being 'good', meaning docile and hennable.

Cluck, cluck.

i don't even know what that means... And not getting a great answer fro Google either. Is this something to do with a relationship that's more motherly rather than equal...

I'm assuming it's vocabulary not too known outside of American/Canadian social space...

Pretty much. It's basically someone that is sort of nice to you, but very condescending.

Oh, I didn't think of it that way! I just thought it meant people who are always trying to take care of you. What I said doesn't apply if they are condescending -- well, the honest/respectful communication stuff I'd still say, just not the rest.

Being "taken care of" is condescending when it's a peer. You know how parents often tell small children not to do stuff, but also act "extra nice". That is how mother hens are towards peers.

I 100% agree it's condescending to order people around as if you were their parent, or to talk to them in that strange voice some people reserve for small children, but I disgree that taking care of somebody automatically means being condescending towards them.

In friendships taking care of someone might mean doing things to make your friend happy and comfortable, wanting them to be okay, and trying to be there for them and help them out if they need help. Peers can take care of each other.

I believe you about the definition of mother hens meaning condescending, though. I often get stuff like that wrong....I just thought it meant the extreme of caring, like someone who fusses over people constantly ("do you need anything?" "are you cold?" "are you having a good time?" "you just let me know...." "do you know about [thing that is important to be aware of]?" and on and on) -- not just fusses over certain people like that, but everybody.

I'm glad you explained it more. I always had a positive connotation to mother hen types (and attract them, also). It may be that I am just too dumb/naive to notice the condescending nature (that's completely possible).

I think I understand it now, though. I have at times felt like I was my friends' "pet" rather than a friend. Beloved pet, but different, and everyone knows.




I assume honesty is the best plan as well.

Do you have friends with shared interests? Those relationships often seem more equal to me.

I know what you mean about being a pet. I used to call it "chimping" when people were condescending because I didn't really know any words for it. I called it chimping because I felt like I was being treated like one of those "smart chimps" that you see in family movies. I usually use words like infantilizing, condescending and mother hen now. I think chimping is the best word, but I made that word up.

I don't think mother hens need honesty. When I'm honest with them they still act like mother hens. I usually avoid mother hens anyways because they are very boring people. Maybe I should start calling them chimpers because mother hen seems to have positive connotations for some people.

Do you get this "mother hen" attitude from women that are actually old enough to be your mother? Or from girls your own age? Or even guys?

I used to get that a bit when I was your age, though mostly from older women. It was very annoying even from them and immediately made me lose respect for them. To me, if someone is being condescending towards me then they don't respect me - so why would I respect them?

I have to agree. In my experience it's not just "something they do" - it's a core part of who they are. They probably can't change it any more than an extroverted person can become introverted, for example. At best, they could act introverted for a little while, but their true self will eventually shine through.

I actually got it from girls that were my age and even younger than me. Sometimes even guys. I got from women as well, but it didn't hurt as much.