Trans people: Never rely on another trans person for support

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beneficii
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27 Apr 2014, 1:13 am

They can't give it to you. At best, they will give you rash, belittling advice that they expect you to follow to the letter, even if it leads you down a dead end.


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cberg
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27 Apr 2014, 2:10 am

A good rule of thumb is to always rely on the other ~7 billion for support & advice, it seems that's been working nicely for me of late...

Edit: I don't fit into this subforum, but when isolated I've made a habit of asking the planet nicely for just the same; support & advice.


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27 Apr 2014, 3:24 am

I personally have nothing to do with the LGBT community anymore, though I do help people going through discrimination in my job.

I found it to be detrimental to my mental health, I ended up in a spiritual circle instead which was much more fulfilling. But there is a big sense of belittling each other that I found at the time, especially online but also in RL. Rather than a 'community' it can be very helpful to just have a LGBT friendly couple of friends, online or in RL. I use to get a lot of support from a lesbian woman about gender issues who was wonderful at understanding me when I lived in a different country a few years ago.


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beneficii
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27 Apr 2014, 6:40 pm

Well, I just goaded another administrator into banning me from a trans forum for their BS. That makes two.


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27 Apr 2014, 7:56 pm

What happened?


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beneficii
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28 Apr 2014, 8:00 am

I told them that I had received an initial denial for SRS and then all hell broke loose. Immediately, I was bombarded with posts saying, "Well, you didn't get a proper diagnosis," "Well, you didn't bother to get the two letters," "Had you done all of this then for sure you would have won initial approval." I defended myself, saying that I did do all the legwork and that I had expected that I would probably receive an initial denial anyway, but they would not hear it. The admin then stepped in, saying, "You have to remember that other people exist, too, and that they have their own opinions. You don't have to get so defensive." They then started to imply that I was lying when I said that my endo was billing my insurance for 302.85 Gender Identity Disorder and the claims were getting approved, saying, "You know, if you had bothered to read the plan documents," which I had, with the farking lawyer at the TLDEF I was working with.

I then asked them to stop giving me all this poisonous "advice," and to just show support, but another poster came in saying, "What? So you expect us to give you unquestioned support? Do you think I'm supposed to just trust what you said happened with the insurance company?" After that, I was suspended. I saw I had 2 new PMs, but because I was suspended I could not read them. I emailed the forum director to send the 2 PMs, but she refused and told me that I "obviously feel that any suggestions other than [my] own thoughts are invalid and not to be considered." She continued, "Well, so be it. It's obvious that you do need help and I would urge you seek out some serious psychiatric help," so I goaded her into permabanning me, because I was tired of her s**t.

The forum in question by the way is at lauras-playground.com. The thread in question is in the Transsexual/Transgender Surgeries thread, if you want to check it out (assuming it's still there). (My username there was Erika_1984.) Apparently, that website is a total farking cesspool with arrogant people who give "advice" when they barely even know your situation and seem to often disbelieve your reports of it and then demand that you give their uninformed advice equal weight to those of the people who actually know your situation. You are not permitted to ask for only support, but not unsolicited advice, apparently.

Those people can go burn in f*****g hell.

BTW, I'm also getting ready to go to the lauras-playground.com chat (which I can still access) and fry the chat moderator who suggested that I join the forum in the first place, as soon as I see he is online. By doing so, he put me through a totally unnecessary gauntlet of stress and arrogance, which marks all my interactions with the poisonous trans community.


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Prism
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28 Apr 2014, 2:40 pm

Indeed, transgender people can be just as terrible and selfish as people without that position. I've seen lgbt forums before and geez they can be so cruel to people whom complain about their predicament. No wonder it's the highest suicide rate in the world.


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beneficii
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28 Apr 2014, 3:19 pm

Prism wrote:
Indeed, transgender people can be just as terrible and selfish as people without that position. I've seen lgbt forums before and geez they can be so cruel to people whom complain about their predicament. No wonder it's the highest suicide rate in the world.


Thank you. Notice too how much many trans women love to give advice; not support, but advice. They love to tell you you should do this and that, but they're not really interested in you or what ails you. They tell you all the things you should have done (even if you did do them or if they were actually bad ideas) and all the things you should not have done (even if you didn't do them or if actually it would have been best for you to). If you try to clarify your situation to correct their misconceptions, you will only exasperate and anger them. "Defensive" they will call you; they will say you lack the proper respect for the opinions of others. You say you just want support, but support is not what they want to give. They want to be known as the great "advice-givers" of a given forum, the font of wisdom for all the members. Your request for only support angers them, and they will challenge you, saying that they cannot "unquestioningly support" the "obvious lies" you've been telling them.

Basically, these trans "women" are basically still very masculine (need I say, dominant) men who wear dresses, go by a girl's given name, and demand to be called "she" in third-person, who go at their advice-giving with all the wisdom of a boxer who's had one-too-many concussions.


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beneficii
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28 Apr 2014, 3:36 pm

BTW, my psychologist agreed that those trans forums are very unhealthy places and I should avoid them in the future. He says advice should only be given *after* you know the person and their situation; and that when I asked for support only, when a member responded saying "You expect us to give you unquestioning support?" that showed true nastiness; because the user was not disciplined for that statement, it shows just how unhealthy a place lauras-playground.com is.


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Prism
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29 Apr 2014, 10:09 am

beneficii wrote:
BTW, my psychologist agreed that those trans forums are very unhealthy places and I should avoid them in the future. He says advice should only be given *after* you know the person and their situation; and that when I asked for support only, when a member responded saying "You expect us to give you unquestioning support?" that showed true nastiness; because the user was not disciplined for that statement, it shows just how unhealthy a place lauras-playground.com is.


Yeah, if only there was a friendlier place online for support huh? I've yet to have found that anywhere. Just people telling you how you should live your life and that you should be happy like this person, etc. It's to the point that I don't think anyone really has empathy in this world and it's all just really shells of nastiness with only tiny points of light here and there, kinda like the night sky with stars in it... only with fewer stars. It sucks that you have to look everywhere for only a few people who have true compassion. For me, there is this one girl on deviantart whom constantly expresses her wish for me not to commit suicide, and she's in a worse condition then me, she's quadraplegic so you would think she has her own problems to deal with. Despite all my negative thoughts, she continues to support me when she can, choosing to constantly respond to my PMs despite this. She drew me pictures of me in my desired forms with her etc. too. None of this she didn't have to do especially in her condition where she can barely draw without difficulty, and yet she's been doing this with me for like almost three years and still she calls me the pure one. And what touched me even more, she wanted me to let her know if I was going to commit suicide rather then me just leaving without her knowing, leaving her up to more sadness she would rather bear. If you ever watched .hack//sign, I often compare me and her to Tsukasa and Tsubaru, the similarities are uncanny.

Anyways, sorry I got a bit off topic there, she matters quite a bit to me. What I was trying to say, is thankfully there are extreme polar opposites in this world online as well... it's part of what keeps me alive.


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29 Apr 2014, 3:36 pm

Depends on the person, not whether they're trans. I have some trans people that I can say I've relied on support (mostly those in similar-ish) circumstances and others I've known for some time that have given a sum total of a couple of sentences (further ahead in transition).



DevilKisses
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05 May 2014, 5:46 pm

I'm not trans, but I've had some good luck at emptyclosets. It's for all LGBT people, but it has an active trans community.


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Apple_in_my_Eye
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05 May 2014, 7:23 pm

I read the TrueSelves board a little some years ago. The average age there seems a lot younger than LP, and people seemed more thoughtful about things like gatekeeping. I didn't read there a lot, tho, so it's kind of fuzzy in mind.



beneficii
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06 May 2014, 9:29 am

Apple_in_my_Eye wrote:
I read the TrueSelves board a little some years ago. The average age there seems a lot younger than LP, and people seemed more thoughtful about things like gatekeeping. I didn't read there a lot, tho, so it's kind of fuzzy in mind.


That was the first forum where I goaded the administrator into permabanning me. For over a year she had me put on moderation status, refusing to answer any questions about when I would be taken off. Then, one day, near the start of last December, she said she took me off of it, before putting me back on it without explanation the following Monday. Angry at the BS, I goaded her into permabanning me and, yup, I remain permabanned there.


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beneficii
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09 May 2014, 8:55 pm

One interesting thing is that they took my goading them as signs of mental illness or something and demanded I gave them help; what they didn't realize was that the goading was willful. I was trying to make them feel so hurt and angry and defensive, as part of my revenge against them for BS'ing with me, that they wouldn't have any choice but to permaban me. It served them right, too.


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