How to set boundaries or know when to drop toxic friendships

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I am 32 years old and I find that in my relationship with my girlfriend, sometimes she does not understand that a certain habit is affecting my personal relationship with her. If I identify it for her, there is often denial or admittance with apology, but soon the habit returns. I know that if I am doing something to one of my friends unintentionally that if they identify it for me I know not to do it, but I am having a hard time implementing this same strategy with my relationship with her. I have had this struggle with other relationships as well, but I usually just disassociated with the people because I felt as though their enemy signs were showing better than their friendship signs. We have broken up in the past for a very long time but stayed friends. During that time as friends it seemed our relationship was better because everything felt conditional rather than unconditional. Unlike living together, as friends we would not see each other for a day or so especially during a bad situation. I usually have a better time with self-therapy. If I am having an important social situation I'll run to the autism aisle of my library and take out certain trusted books. Wendy Lawson's are a favorite of mine, and usually help me out of a dilemma. (Friendships the Aspie Way, [Make Your Own Life]) I am not sure what to do with a certain dilemma, even after reading some of the books I took out this time. Are there certain checklists others use or maybe an online quiz for aspies to better analyze if the situation is deeper than the issue, and might have something to do with the friendship underneath the issue? It just feels like maybe the boundaries are not respected. It took a long time for me to let her know I preferred honesty but it did seem to come slowly after enough of my catching her in lies using techniques from a book "Never Be Lied to Again". And helping her to be more assertive as well. Her relationship is important to me, but if this stuff comes up a lot is maybe the relationship more important to me than it is to her?

As a suggestion, you may want to ask the moderator "Cornflake" to move this post to the "Love and Dating" section. There, I promise you, many people will comment and offer advise.

That said, there is nothing wrong with having a relationship that is throttled according to what works and the current state of your life. Most long-term relationship end up that way anyhow. So, you may be best to keep it throttled to some optimal point and adjust up and down as appropriate.

thank you for both tips. Yeah I realized my mistake on the first tip after I posted it, after I started seeing other forum categories. That's cool that it can be moved.

So you think it's best to always keep things "conditional" and safely and moderately cynical? Keeping most relationships that way, I do find the relationship more rewarding for sure. Back when it was "unconditional" and "naive" it felt dangerous and cramped often and I also felt taken advantage of alot. Not only in my girlfriend's relationship but in other friendships as well.

[Moved from Social Skills and Making Friends to Love and Dating on OP's request]

The new multidimensional latitude in people's lives have made less tightly bonded relationships more viable. As an example, many women now balance their lives more toward a career and other activities that do not always include a particular man or any man. The sense that their career may be cramped is felt as an imposition by their other relationships upon their work and career path. And, you have many latitudes too. So, of course, when you move in one direction of latitude, you may be influencing, restricting, or abandoning other areas of latitude - you are moving away from your center. So, a relationship that is less bonded, less intertwined, and with less complicated expectations can preserve the greatest overall balance and latitude in everyone's life. While many people like to think the potential of a relationship is infinite, that isn't a practical way to live. A limited relationship with your significant other means a more balanced for both of you and, most likely, a more enjoyable lifestyle.