No rhyme, no reason (lasting breakup grief)...I'm hurting

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I just can't get over the love of my life just...letting me go...when she swore that she loved me everlastingly.

We were so very in love with each other. And it was very long-distance.

I believe she has Asperger's. That fact holds a whole kettle of fish in considerations as regards her actions, perhaps...but I can never know them. Because she broke up with me after almost a year's "time/space off," which I granted willingly and lovingly.

The thing is, she didn't give me any explanation other than that she wasn't in love with me. I'd like to say "any more" but that would be putting words in her mouth.

>_< But that's just the thing...she WAS (said so much, so many times, in so many ways, and so deeply) in love with me.


Anyway...since that day that she broke up with me in actual word & deed, she has not offered any explanation as to whether her love was real, or what made it go away, or what. And so my heart is still aching, and I can't get over it, to this day. x'(

The worst part/thing that has happened is that I at the very least did not want to lose her entirely from my life...I wanted to at least remain friends.

But the last email I got from her was basically awkward (as they all have been, post breakup), and she admitted that she's avoided keeping in contact with me for reasons of 'possibly sending the wrong message' and just general awkwardness.

And that loss, plus the not truly knowing the 'why' for why she fell out of love with me, or whatever happened...it's just... x'(

What's made it worse is that she's erased/obliterated all online traces of our love that once was. Any of her accounts, places she hung out...they've all been wiped clean or cancelled and destroyed. It's as if she, and 'us,' is just...gone. In every way, shape and form.

All I have left are the mementos that I personally kept, of the two of us and our interactions & love, and whatever correspondence she sees fit to grace me with. Period.

It's as if she's died.

I can't describe the grief. It just keeps coming back at the most random moments...every few months, it just guts me again.

I miss her so much, and ache so much. x'( When will this ever cease, or get better?

(It's been over a year, but I can't even remember any more if it's been over two, unless I go back and check my email. I have piss-poor long-term memory for timelines & such; I'm at least ADD and possibly partly Aspie-ish myself, in ways.)

I've never been so lucky as you to be in such an understanding relationship and I'm honestly quite sad to see this going on in the world, much the same happened with my parents before the accursed "web 2.0 " age. Personally, my own autism troubles have often led me to believe I harbor too many insecurities and too much depression to run the risk of letting it affect people I love; I too have gone about disconnecting from all the routine lines of communication, because I simply did not understand enough about love to know if I could keep my pain to myself. Without ever mentioning it, I still feared I might wordlessly communicate something too heavy for my friend to handle. I don't intend this to help you start a conversation immediately, both of you will need peace & quiet, rather I would like to help you understand what makes it so difficult for people affected by autism to let anyone know their actual feelings; often these are feelings no one on earth has invented words for.

I think that when I seek as much space and autonomy as she has, it often culminates in these 'shutdowns', during which I pressure myself to either reach some profound conclusion on what I've been doing wrong or just stay the hell away from everyone, for their sake. If there's someone you know who could take a message to her, I think it's worthwhile to say that you wish she could be more satisfied with herself and that you wish to help her get there, regardless of if you stay together.

I won't feed you any plenty of fish BS because it simply doesn't apply here; I know enough to interpret the intensity of relationships and you two are cuttlefish.

I can wrap this up by saying many of us on the autism spectrum are forced to view all interactions as diplomacy, you've shown unconditional love as much or more than I ever have, now it's time to explain how & why, VERY cautiously.

Sorry you are feeling bad. The best way I found to get past something that hurts like that was to find someone new. You can't just make that happen but you can steer yourself out of the crowded harbor of memories and pointed toward the open sea again.

Similar situation for me. It's been... around four years. I've failed to find anyone/anything to replace the feelings of completeness and content I once had from my relationship. It doesn't get better. Humbly advise, attempt to find a new love, or it'll get worse. Good luck

cberg, thank you so much for your compassionate and insightful reply.

That actually really did my heart a lot of good.

Couple of comments & questions:

Yes, I've wondered if this was just an extended shutdown situation, followed by a realization or thought on her part that she just might not be up to a full-blown relationship at this time in her life right now (doing school, etc.). And, as you're suggesting, if she maybe just decided to cut me loose for "my sake."

I really hope & pray this isn't what she's done...I feel like she should know better than that...that I'd stick by her through thick and thin. That I want HER - period. It has nothing to do with her difficulties or struggles.

But that's not the way she put it to me. (Unless she lied.) She put it to me as that she's not in love with me. And I just can't imagine her saying something like that if she didn't feel it was true. That doesn't at all seem like her. *sigh* I don't know.

I've wondered too if in her shutdown-ish state, and after being incommunicado with me for so long, if she simply has had an "out of sight, out of mind" type of experience that can happen sometimes? Like, as you feel better (as someone on the spectrum) with that extra "quiet & solitude" time, the feeling of missing your significant other, over extended separation-time...could it just...fade? Begin to feel like it was just a dream, and less 'real'? :'(

I just don't know.

Personally, for me, I *never* forget how I feel about someone, if I've loved them that deeply and liked them & enjoyed them that much, and they were such a part of my life.




Well, I think it's a bit too late for that. A year ago or longer might have been the time for something like that, but not now. Also: I worry that that's a bit too presumptuous. Like, that it would come off as arrogant of me. Maybe she IS satisfied with herself...? Maybe she wasn't satisfied with ME, you know?

I also worry that I may have offended her on one front, or just irritated her to the point that she just saw this as a dealbreaker: It was about her likely Asperger's (or at least being on the autistic spectrum). At least 2 immediate family members of hers are, and though she's aware that there's a high likelihood that she is on the spectrum or has some traits too, she doesn't even like to think about it or talk about it. :/ And I kinda...well, when she began having some difficulties at one point while our relationship was still active...I kinda tried to nudge her to explore the Aspergers possibility and perhaps read some things about it. Just to reassure her, or make her feel less down on herself or hopeless/helpless, sometimes.

I felt that if she had some knowledge about it in her toolbox, it could help her find ways to cope and also be less hard on herself to be...well, basically like "everybody else."

But it was a bone of contention in our relationship.

What I wonder is, as she had more & more difficulty coping w/school and job and life in general, did her resentment and resistance (fear, really) around considering the Aspergers/autism topic (that I happened to be pushing) only grow, the more she struggled? And thereby, did she want to also put distance between herself and me, as her anger/fear/resistance to the autism/Aspergers issue grew? (Since I almost kind of 'represented' the topic that she feared?)

I don't know.



Haha. Thank you.

Though: I looked up cuttlefish. I can't tell that they mate for life or anything...conversely, the female cuttlefish seems to be a bit...promiscuous. lol

Can I ask what your meaning by saying "you two are cuttlefish" was?




What do you mean? Do you mean explain how & why I've shown unconditional love?

And why cautiously? What do you mean (example of?) 'cautiously'?


Thanks, cberg. You've been a salve on my heart for talking to me about this. *hugs* (Sorry, I'm huggy. )

Thank you.

And wow...that's really poetic. I like that analogy.

Yes, I very much feel I'm kind of drifting slowly out toward open sea. In a sad fashion. I try to look at it as opportunity, and maybe get "geared up"/excited about it, but I'm not. :'(

What I want is my one heart, my love, back.

I can't see ever finding anyone like her.

I'm so sorry, Brotherbear76.

I understand.

Well, you're not alone. *sad smile*

*hugs*

Grief takes its time, but it does get better. Can take up to two years to get past a deep loss like that. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Maybe talk to a grief counsellor or have a look on Amazon for some books relating to what you are going through. It's a biggie. You have my sympathy. Wishing you something wonderful in your future.

Thank you, B19. <3

I'll try.