My grandma has been in the hospital for five and a half months (give or take a couple days) since she had a heart attack early in December. There were a lot of complications because she was in very poor health to begin with. While she was in the hospital, she had a stroke, had to stop taking certain prescriptions because they might have caused further heart complications, her heart stopped a few times, but they were always able to revive her.
About a week ago, when the one of the doctors explained to us that she just wasn't going to get any better, she said that she wanted to go to a karaoke bar. She couldn't because she was on life support, but that was her last request...
I've seen seen dead bodies before, but in the past, it was always strangers or people that I just casually spoke with once or twice. There was a man who moved in across the street who I never really spoke with who hung himself about a year ago. My mom and I watched the paramedics come and pull him out of his house.
This is different though. In books and movies, when someone important dies, everything just kind of stops for a while because it's a big deal. In real life, I'm sitting here watching everyone go about things more or less as usual and it just feels wrong to me. I feel like it should be a bigger thing than it is. I feel like the world should stop (at least for a little while) because she's gone. The fact of the matter is that people die every day and even if it feels more significant than usual because she was someone I loved, most of the people I know never met her and will expect me to fulfill my obligations as usual.
My (NT) sister says that I'm neurologically incapable of understanding death. I suppose I can't know for sure if that's true or not. Grampa said it's something that nobody can really grasp. He says it's something we weren't meant to understand. Regardless of wether I understand this in the same way a neurotypical adult might, as soon as I got home I decided to spend the last of my money on a gallon of hard cider. Technically, I spent it on a gallon of apple juice, but I'm underage. It's going to be hard cider shortly though. This isn' my first time brewing.
My motto for the past four weeks has been the Mark Twain quote ?Of the demonstrably wise there are but two: those who commit suicide, & those who keep their reasoning faculties atrophied with drink,? & I suppose that now I have one more thing to not think about. I'm still not ready to die so that just leaves the one option.
With all the s**t that's been going on recently, I feel like I need to share some good news with you people. Fortunately, I actually have some. I get off probation in two weeks. I was retried and found innocent of all felony charges so I'll get my guns back very soon. There are other advantages to being off probation coupled with no longer being a felon, but that's what I'm looking foreward to the most. Also, I'll be allowed to resume work at the family gun shop. Grampa always wanted me to take over that place one day. Now, when the time comes, I can.
18 May 2014, 8:14 pm
