I'm an Aspie man with a crush on an Aspie (maybe?) woman

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Hi everyone, I'm a newbie here who has had a year-long failed crush on a woman who appears to have strong AS traits - but as much as I want to let go I can't for reasons I'll shortly explain. Firstly a quick description of the two of us:

Me - a 52-year-old IT support guy who a year ago was coping well with AS and content to live alone.

Her - an attractive late-30s woman with many academic qualifications and a highly-paid job in the financial sector. She's been engaged to her fiancé for 8 years but he lives abroad and they only see each other for about 4 weeks a year. They have no fixed plans to marry.

We met on our daily commute. She was very outgoing and friendly with other passengers but with me it was different - she was more reserved with me yet we got on OK and she seemed to prefer my company more than anyone else's. We often held very strong eye contact with each other and my Aspie brain interpreted it as interest from her. She wouldn't talk about her partner, maybe she had no interest in him?

I then started to crush very strongly on her. Did she back away from me? Yes - and no. There followed 2 or 3 months of push-pull between us. Some days she would ignore me, on others she seemed to be encouraging my attention. Eventually I had enough and I withdrew from her by ignoring her and always sitting away from her. Yes it was passive-aggressive but I couldn't think of any other solution and I began to happily forget about her. Well at least I did for a few months.

What then happened is that she suddenly started to regularly sit opposite me on the train but she would never talk to me. She was always nervous of me and I couldn't strike up any conversation with her apart from the odd greeting (which always had good eye contact between us) - yet she wouldn't try and avoid me, indeed quite the opposite. If she accidentally touched me she would be suddenly VERY nervous and apologetic.

I started to notice her behaviour more closely, she would often stare into space, and when she chatted sometimes with a female friend it was clear she never understood her jokes. Yet my crush is very brainy. She couldn't be an Aspie could be? She's always very well dressed and groomed, and friendly with everyone (except me). It's only recently that I've discovered that AS women have 'intelligent coping strategies' and can often appear to be NT?

I've tried to put up with her 'nervous-but-clingy' behaviour but there are two problems - one is that I resent that she's so friendly with everyone except me - and secondly her clinginess is keeping alive my vain hope she's interested in me. However this week, my last week before I have a two-week break, she's been very cold to me and mostly staying away from me. Yet last night when the train was very busy she chose to stand next to me - except she was extremely nervous to the point of putting two fingers deep into her mouth (stimming?) and she completely ignored me when I said goodbye to her when normally she responds reasonably politely.

So folks, what's happening here? Why does she seem to dislike me yet so often want to stay close to me?

It's very possible she's an Aspie and if she is, that explains a lot about your situation.

If I'm interpreting this correctly, it's likely a number of things are going on.

1. If she is an Aspie, she probably appreciates your interest but is having trouble initiating the conversation. Most likely, when she's sitting near you on the bus, she's enjoying being around you but, like you, can't figure out what to say or how to strike a conversation.

2. She's probably worried about saying or doing the wrong thing because, if she is an undiagnosed Aspie, she's probably having trouble understanding what's appropriate and what isn't and doesn't want to offend you. Which is probably why she's nervous and apologetic when she touches you.

3. She probably is waiting for you to initiate the contact. As an Aspie who recently got diagnosed, I would often times hang around people I enjoyed and wanted to get to know better but didn't know well enough to chatter with. And would clam up at the risk of embarrassing myself and losing a potential friend. She's probably trying to get to know you better but doesn't want to embarrass herself.

But honestly, if she's engaged, you shouldn't be interested in her other than as a friend. If you act on it while she's still with this other guy, you'll only create a lot of problems down the road for you two, whether it's the other guy who refuses to let go or her having a guilt trip for what she did.

Thanks Jerry, that generally confirms what I've been thinking. I've never thought I've creeped her out but seeing her stimming last night (if indeed that's what it was) made me feel very uncomfortable. So how do I successfully initiate conversation with her? I've tried but failed many times. Do we have a shared mental blockage in trying to initiate normal conversation in each other? Yet we always seem to be mutually comfortable in holding eye contact.

I don't know why I'm crushing on her so much, I certainly don't ever crush on other women who are in relationships, and I never act like this with any other person. I think maybe she and I are sort of soulmates but our souls are similarly wounded and we've triggered subconscious 'stuff' in each other. She does seem to be very emotionally distant from her partner but I know that's no excuse to believe I have a chance with her.

As I said I'm about to go on vacation and maybe it'll be good for us to have a break from each other. I'll try and make a fresh start with her when I return and try again to be friends but I don't feel optimistic. For some time I've felt ready to move away from her but I feel I can't while she apparently continues to want to be around me.

That's a tough one. I've never been good at being the one to initiate conversation, especially since I tend to gravitate away from small talk (don't care for it honestly). Do you two have any common interests? Try starting there. Ask her what her favorite type of music is or her favorite tv show/movie. What she does in her spare time. It may be tough to overcome the block but once you find common ground it'll be easy to discuss things.

To be honest too, it sounds like you could be reading more into this friendship than there is. Eye contact is another "Aspie" issue and it could be that she's learned to maintain eye contact as to avoid suspicions about being different (or, like many Aspies, had it drilled into her head because she wouldn't make eye contact). Also, she's engaged to another man. Sure, she may have issues with him and may eventually split because of them, but (please don't take this the wrong way) you probably shouldn't be the one to do it. Let things blow over, maintain your friendship and if it happens, it happens. I understand where you're coming from because my entire life has been misreading people and either assuming interest or friendship when it's the other. It might even be that you're crushing on her because you see a bit of yourself in her that you don't see in other people (especially those of the other gender). She may also be seeing this in you and that's why she's trying to get to know you better. But I personally think it's a little soon to say things like "my soulmate" when you're just getting to know her. My advice though is to pursue a non romantic friendship with her. And your yearning to get away from her is more likely due to failed social interactions and not knowing how to act, rather than just being frustrated with her as a person.

But I hope you have a great vacation!

Finally a real thread about neurodiverse courtship. This looks so much like the natural way neurodiverse people form long-term attachments. Been there, done it, and it is so enjoyable.

Don't let poor advice about NT-dating spoil your experience. Go by your natural instincts instead.

And remember that the neurodiverse courtship ritual is non-verbal.