Brilliant research Aspie "doesn't want to learn anythin

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TL;DR -My Aspie husband and I dated for 5 years prior to marrying. I was clued in by my psychologist about a week prior to our wedding that he likely had Aspergers. I didn't have time to research or think about it; all I knew was that I loved him and we were getting married. Now he finally knows he has it, too, but doesn't want to explore it at all. Is our marriage doomed?

Background...
Sometime after we got married we were watching "The Big Bang Theory," and began discussing Sheldon's lack of understanding for sarcasm. My husband commented, "I can relate; I don't get sarcasm."

HOLD THE PHONE.

I am THE MOST sarcastic person I know. Sarcasm comes flying out of my mouth over 100x a day. I can't even count. Ever since I was a kid. It's just me.

I couldn't believe it. I began questioning him... HOW DO YOU NOT THINK I'M CRAZY? Didn't you ever notice that 50% of the time it seems what I'm saying is the exact opposite of what must be true?

I began to gently point out the sarcasm when it came out. I think he became annoyed by this. But I wanted to promote understanding. And sarcasm is just part of me - I can try to slow it down, but I can't stop.

Fast forward. HIS psychologist clued him, within the past year, that he probably has Aspergers. I tried to sound surprised. And of course, I am supportive. I love him very much and I want to learn how to relate to him better. FINALLY an opportunity to openly discuss it and work on our relationship.

I asked him to ask his psychologist if there is a NT/support type book I can read. She suggested; I read. I shared some with him. He was shocked to hear my answers to the quizzes vs. his own. Very surprised that I don't think like him - in many, many more ways than he imagined.

But he seemed disinterested in doing the shared parts of the book together. Seemed disinterested in general.

The more I learn; the more he has classic signs. The noise sensitivity. The hypo-tactile sensory issues. The chronic insomnia.

I've always known that loud, screechy noises are painful to him. I can tell by looking at his face. It has, unfortunately, led to a lot of "shushing" to my son.

Recently we were in a car and another vehicle with EXTREMELY earth shattering bass drove near us. It was some of the most intense bass I've ever felt.

He got sick. Not just that pained expression with screechy noises - actually started dry heaving and wasn't right for the rest of the night.

I started looking it up the next day. Was this part of the same noise sensitivity, but we'd never experienced that intensity? When I found some information, he shocked me by saying, "I know this goes against my general principles. But I don't really want to learn anything about Asperger's"

My husband is a research scientist.

He wants to learn about EVERYTHING.

"I just want to be normal."

What is normal? Is anyone?

How can our marriage possibly survive without learning about the way one another thinks?

your marriage could survive just the way your five year relationship before marriage did. evidently, you like him as he is and he likes you, misunderstood sarcasm and all. nothing to sneeze at.

Welcome to Wrong Planet.

Marriage is a journey, it is a process of unfolding the layers of personality between two people who really love each other (and it sounds like you and your hubby share oodles of it).

Even though we can be very difficult to live with at times (and I can openly admit this), what we can offer those who take the time to REALLY get to know and love us, can be very rewarding and make all of the good days outshine all those rough days.

Like anybody else (any 'normal' person, that is), we have our 'moments', which can be akin to having a severe case of PMS...we become moody, touchy, irritable, hyper-sensitive...

It's best, in those cases, to simply ask 'would you like me to stay, or do you need your space right now?' don't take it for granted that you think you can know/understand how hubby feels...sometimes you may be right, but it's best just to be supportive, caring and concerned (I am sure you really are like this, but he needs to know it...he just needs a little re-assurance that you both are 'in this together' and are willing to work through it).

As for sarcasm, I know it 'spoils the plot' a bit, but after being sarcastic, say how what you just said was sarcasm and explain exactly how/why it was...given time, he may learn how to recognise it for himself. It's really funny how I can 'be sarcastic', yet I cannot understand it myself.

If you need further assistance, try family/marriage counseling with a practitioner skilled in Aspie/NT relations.

Again, welcome to the forum and I hope my advice assists you. Good luck.

Last edited by SoMissunderstood on 05 Jun 2014, 11:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I think you have a right to be concerned. If your marriage is in trouble, I doubt it will survive. But there are resources out there that will help.

First, I am almost certain I have Asperger's (I test pretty strongly for it), but I can recognize sarcasm much of the time as long as somebody uses a sarcastic tone of voice. You might want to test that out with your husband, and when you want to be sarcastic, just make sure to lay it on thick. I would not recommend certain types of sarcasm like what you mentioned. Opposite sarcasm is hard for us to understand. If you get the tone in your voice REALLY sarcastic we have a chance.

Example:

Q. Honey, would you like to have sex right now?
A. Yes, let's just have sex right here at the front doorstep. I've just come home from a hard day at work and I haven't even told you how my day went, so I'm really in the mood.

You can still keep the sarcasm but just change it up a bit:

A. Sex right now would be like stabbing my eyes with a fork. You haven't even asked me how my day went, and I had a terrible day. You know I need to talk about things with you!

With that said, he needs to learn more about you, and you need to learn about him.

I just read the following book:

What Men with Asperger Syndrome Want to Know about Women, Dating and Relationships

I think it's right up your alley and I think both of you really need to read it. It will teach your husband about himself, about you, and you can learn about him by reading this book. I highly recommend it.

Your husband is a scientist who I'm sure can appreciate a nice solid list of objectives to check off. This book provides that. Your husband wants to find the patterns in the chaos (sorry, but that's kind of how he views you, kind of like a puzzle), this book can provide him a guideline.

Just in my experience reading this book, I totally did not GET that women want to talk about their day. How many sitcoms have I seen where a woman is upset because the husband didn't ask about her day? But I just didn't get it. This is something women really want! And it's so freakin easy (as long as I'm not distracted doing something else).

I learned that women want to feel pretty and appreciated. With my wife, I always apologized for looking at her and even felt guilty. Not so much because I was some sort of religious nut, but I didn't know the BOUNDARIES. When you don't know the boundaries, how are you supposed to know when you are doing right or wrong? Not only was it okay to look at her and view her as pretty, it helped her self esteem. I know this is all obvious to you was a wife, but I'm trying to point out to you that this was like some sort of revelation to me.

Another thing I didn't realize was when the wife comes home and tells about her day, she doesn't want you to FIX things. This might of been the biggest mind blower for me out of the entire book. Why? Logically, what the heck is the point of talking about your day if you aren't telling it so you can be provided with a solution? Bob broke the copy machine and you saw it, but he denied it in front of the boss? Surely you are asking me how to handle the situation with Bob? It turns out when this happens its because the woman is VENTING. She just wants to know how much you CARE about her. This is a good thing, and a whole lot easier because I'll be snookered if I really know what to do about the Bob situation.

I think your husband will get the same value out of the book he's willing to read it. You'll benefit from the book as well. It's just very eye opening.

Marriages succeed when entire families - each member - adult or child, all independently can see the worth of their family in the sense of any one person or the whole clan/tribe/yurt/house. Although my own immediate family, in clinical terms was a negative control group in this context, I remain fully aware of the amicable daily interplay of my friends' & relatives' families. When I isolate myself, I do so within a larger family than any of the aforementioned.

Thank you. He finally told me to stop pointing out the moments of sarcasm. I'm trying to be less sarcastic, but it's hard... I've been doing it my entire life. I suppose we made it more than five years without him ever knowing when I was being sarcastic, so it's not the end of the world.

We did couples counseling before we became engaged, which was also "pre-diagnosis." Right now, he doesn't want to know anything about Asperger's, or acknowledge that he has it at all. I don't know if he'd be open to counseling that recognizes the syndrome and tries to address related issues.

I love the book suggestion. Thank you. The roadblock that, right now, seems insurmountable, is that he told me very matter-of-factly that he doesn't want to know anything about Asperger's. He even admitted that this goes against his general principles, as he will generally be eager to learn about any subject that either is interesting to him or pertains to him specifically. He also used the statement, "I just want to be normal."

Though he didn't directly say so, my take-away from these statements is that he doesn't want to have this diagnosis, and therefore does not completely accept it. I perceive that he feels that by researching it, he would be accepting it. He is not ready.

For obvious reasons, I think it's important to accept. I feel our marriage is doomed to failure if we can't learn how to better communicate. We were together for five years prior to marrying, but lived together only one, and living together has proven to be much harder than not.

Right now is a difficult time for us. He has been accepted to a position in another state - I have quit my job to get our house ready to sell, and won't be working (at least immediately) when we move. We've decided that it would be easier for our family if I stay at home for awhile.

We've lived in a small house together for years now. I can see the toll it takes on him. I always try to let my husband sleep as late as he can, because of his chronic insomnia. Our son is very loud (and so am I). In the mornings, I am shushing our son constantly so as not to wake him up. That isn't fair to our son, but it's also not fair to my husband to be awakened every morning by us.

When we move, we MUST have more space. I'm acutely aware of two things - our bedroom needs to be somewhat separate from the kitchen/main living area so the noise in the morning isn't a problem. In addition, his office needs to be a quiet retreat. In order for this to happen, we're going to need to double our square footage. In addition to that, *I* need a decent sized yard (love to garden).

Within our budget, we are in a position where we can either 1) buy an older house that needs updating, has a decent yard, and is close to his work. 2) Buy a newer house close to his work that has NO yard 3) Buy a house that has a decent yard and doesn't need updating, but is quite a drive from work and will leave me a bit isolated (meh...) or 4) Increase our budget to get a decent house with a decent yard close to work.

He has so far told me
"I don't want to commute for 30 minutes"
"I don't want to live through renovations"
"We can only spend XXX"

I told him those things are mutually exclusive. Of all those things, he said, he would rather drive 30 minutes every day than either increase our budget or live through some small to moderate renovation.

I can't understand. In the first place, I don't WANT to be isolated in the middle of nowhere.

In the second place, I REALLY do understand his desire to not live through a renovation. However, I am not talking about a complete home renovation - I'm talking about updating a kitchen or bathroom, replacing carpets, painting, etc. Also, I've suggested that it doesn't need to happen all at once. And I've mentioned to him that I realize the importance of his need to have his own, quiet space - that we should first take care of his office - sound proof, arranged how he liked - and then do the rest of the house. That way, even if he comes home to a mess, he still has a place to go that he can escape.

Maybe someone can help me understand his perspective - would all of you rather drive an extra 45 minutes every single day for possibly the next 30 years instead of live through 6 months of renovation?

Am I being unreasonable?

Is your husband experiencing any symptoms that decrease his quality of life? Is his insomnia so bad that it's affecting his health? If not, he may not see a reason right now to explore a diagnosis that he perceives as having negative connotations. Give him some room to take in the new info at his own pace for the next year. But do get him some earplugs; they've worked wonders for me, and it's an easy fix for a problem that can be framed as him having "better hearing than most people."

I don't see a need for you to be so worried about the sarcasm. If you go around explaining things to him, I can see how that could come off as condescending pretty quickly. He apparently wasn't concerned about understanding sarcasm before and isn't concerned about it now.

I get the feeling that you work together as a couple because you have complementary traits. Your active energy might get to be a little overwhelming if you direct too much of it at him. Direct it at finding out info to educate yourself, and let him catch up with you when he's had some more months to take in the idea. You'll find that one trait a lot of people on the spectrum have is disliking change. Putting a completely new identity on yourself is a pretty big change!

You might want to keep an eye out for symptoms of ASD in your child. Early intervention is good - NOT to seek a "cure," but to help your child figure out how to move through the neurotypical world more easily.

I'm new here, so I don't know what anybody else thinks about this group, but I like the Autism Science Foundation for their spurning of pseudoscience. Their website has info that might be helpful to you both for your husband and possibly your child.

I cant speak for your husband, but I know why I would not want to discuss A.S. with my NT partner (if I had a partner). I can also understand why many aspies would not want to research A.S for themselves. So I will explain that.

The actual experience of having A.S. is very different to what described in books. It Is impossible to really put it into words, although many people have tried.

An analogy is trying to explain a dream you had. You can explain to people the events that occurred, and things you saw in the dream. But usually that does not explain your dream adequately...there is something "else" to the experience of dreaming that is impossible to describe. That something "else" often seems to be the key part of the dream.

If I tried to describe a dream I had to others, I would get frustrated and give up because whatever I said they could never really "get it". I would not want to read books about dreams, because dreaming is a very personal experience and nothing in the dream books would every come close to describe what it is actually like.

A.S. is very much the same. You are very likely missing something fundamental about his experience and he is shutting down in response to not being understood. He has no interest in researching for himself as he feels books cannot really describe his personal experience.

I often shutdown and refuse to talk to people when I believe that they are trying to communicate with me on subjects that they just do not and cannot understand. I am not angry with that person, nor do I think I am better than that person, its just that it becomes too much mental effort for me to talk about such things. What rescues the situation for me is the conversation being guided back to a subject on which we have a more equal understanding

Sorry, we were typing at the same time. Lay off the Asperger's conversations until after you've done the move and your husband is settled into his new job. He's aware that it could be an issue, so let him deal with it in the back of his mind while the pressing problems of moving to a new city, finding the right house, and starting in a new work environment stay at the forefront.

I don't see where acceptance of a diagnostic label is essential. Though adjusting to your needs and accepting as valid is. Some people feel otherwise, but I think change is possible without label. Sometimes. For adults anyway.

As for the renovations, it's too much disruption happening all at once. New city, new job, new coworkers, becoming the sole provider, wife telling him he's something he sees as abnormal. Thinking about a bunch of strangers coming into his home every day and creating chaos? Nope, too much. Look for an ugly house that has good bones and a yard and that is a short/medium drive from his work. Let it be ugly for three years. You'll have plenty to do in that time because it'll take that long to make your garden the way you want it. Once you have it looking gorgeous on the outside, and he has less on his plate, then you can do renovations.

(My role as housewife is to renovate our three houses in three states, mostly by my own hands. You do not want to bring contractors into the mix right now.)

We process emotions and some thoughts differently than NTs do. A bigger life changing revelation such as aspergers may take some time to deal with. I always knew that I had autism from the time I was a little kid but I was in denial about it until a few months ago. I had a life long identity crisis trying to pretend that I didnt have it. It took me a few years of LSD use before my psyche was able to accept this fact and now I think its the greatest revelation I have ever had.

There are many many great things about learning of the condition. The problem is that there is a tendency for some people to just get thru life to the best of their ability if they can without acknowledging that anything is wrong. In that case, acceptance can be a long hard journey.

Things that stress us out will take longer for us to process. When we get stressed our brains literally stop working. Therefore, our minds will likely only process some things up to the point that it is still comfortable, something as shocking as findingout you have a developmental disability may be so stressful that the mind is never able to really wrap its self around the issue without some diligent effort.

P.S. dont listen to anybody telling you your marriage is over. Some people have had a crapy life and now they just want to piss on every bodys parade

Agree that the marriage is not over unless you want it to be.

But there seems to be an unwritten subtext about your unhappiness in the OP.

Are there problems? Do the problems extend to his life outside the marriage?

The label doesn't matter, except in so far as the label is a key to his own understanding of himself and your understanding of him.

When people first told me they suspected, I was psychologically incapable of hearing it. I knew I was not normal but had spent a lifetime trying not to let it show. The idea that people could see my differences terrified me. Finally coming to terms with it was liberating and helpful, though also sometimes depressing. It's a complicated business and he is probably at the beginning of a process.

This knowledge will burn at the edges of his awareness until finally he has to know and then he will research it and things will probably get better for both of you in some ways and in other ways stay the same.

Good luck.

I agree with this. From the OP's message, its obvious that he doesn't want to be labeled, and I don't think it matters that much, you fell in love with him for who he is, and he is still the same person, it didn't change anything, you just understand him more. NT or AS we always have to try to understand and/or compromise in a marriage, and this is no different in my opinion. When you want to make sure you understand each other on important points you just have to communicate, and compromise when necessary, just like everyone else. Maybe one day he will want to know more about it, and maybe not, either way he will still be the same person.

About sarcasm, it depends on the sarcasm, sometimes he might understand and sometimes not, or at least its that way for me. When its obvious I get it, eventho I got upset quite a few times because I thought the person meant what they said. My husband often does this, says things that are meant as sarcasm and/or joke, and when I get upset he just tells me "baby its a joke" lol. You have to try to adapt your sarcasm style (if you can of course) and/or point it out discretly (when its not obvious that you are being sarcastic), or even point it out clearly when its appropriate, like if you are just joking and he's getting upset, then just tell him you were joking. But if its not something that would upset him, then try to do it in a way that will make it more obvious that its sarcasm, and its no big deal even if he doesn't get it every time you are being sarcastic as long as he's not upset.

One of the problems with sarcasm, is that it also relies on your opinion and his, and it will be difficult to understand if you have opposite points of view about whatever you are being sarcastic about. For example, let's say you think he is being lazy on a certain day, and you say "you work too hard" (which is the opposite of what you think, which would be sarcasm right?), chances are he won't notice that it was sarcasm because he usually is not lazy, and he does work hard. Well I don't know if my example is that good, but its just one quick example of a sarcasm that would probably be difficult to understand.

P.s. I would like to see an example of your sarcasm, I'm curious lol.

YES. The label only matters if acceptance leads to learning, which leads to understanding for both. You said that better than I could have.

And yes, there are some problems, though what they are it is difficult to pinpoint. If things bother him, he doesn't say so. I perceive that he sometimes doesn't know if what is bothering him is something that is reasonable to discuss with someone - so he doesn't tell.

There are so many things.

I am almost certain he is depressed, though he would never say so.

He is from a different country (where arranged marriages still happen) and I was not considered a suitable spouse. His family basically broke off all contact with him after we married. He has been home to visit twice when work travels brought him to that part of the world, but I don't think either was a very warm homecoming.

That would depress me to no end.

I know that he is bothered by how loud our son and I can be. I did buy him some of those Bose noise canceling headphones a few years ago, and they've helped. It hadn't occurred to me that he could wear regular headphones the rest of the time just to reduce the noise pollution in general, but I may suggest that.

Our intimate relationship is lacking. For the past ... long awhile, he has never approached me, only I him. I am certain it's so he never gets rejected, which he sometimes did before - but NEVER being approached starts to make me wonder about myself after awhile. And also makes me want to approach less and less.

Someone else mentioned whether the sleep affects his health - that is difficult to answer. He has never slept well since I've known him, but before we lived together, he could crash when his body was ready and wake when his body was ready and our family life has made that impossible, so he hasn't been getting AS MUCH sleep the last few years. I've noticed the difference in his energy level; but our lifestyle has changed a lot, too. Is it column A, column B, or both? I'm not sure.

Do his problems extend to his life outside the marriage? I think they do. Though he hasn't really accepted a diagnosis, he HAS discovered that I am a good resource for awkward social situations in which he finds himself.

Example:

"The secretary at the doctor's office told me she was going to try out for the Olympic bobsled team. I didn't know what to say."

The secretary at the doctor's office is morbidly obese, and at least 30 years older than most Olympians.

He followed up cautiously, "I found it surprising. I mean no offense, but she doesn't seem to have the, er, body type of an Olympic bobsledder."

I told him she was joking and asked how he replied.

"I told her good luck."

But I can imagine he did this with a somewhat dumbfounded look on his face, and she probably wasn't sure what was missed, either.

I offered him that it was a missed joke, but that if he wanted to be sure, he could follow up next time he saw her. I suggested he ask her how the try-outs went, and pointed out that if she HAD been serious (which I knew she hadn't been), it would have shown interest and been polite. If she HAD been joking, he would have been able to make a joke back. But he was uncomfortable with this.

He also has a colleague with whom he eats lunch regularly. He is NT, I can tell, though I'm pretty sure most of the others in his office are also Aspie. He doesn't know how to relate to "Bill" when Bill talks about emotional things - family, romance, etc. All of these conversations are awkward for him. He doesn't know what's appropriate to ask and what isn't.

We were at a restaurant and our server appeared to me to be transgender. My husband referred to him as "he" and I quietly told him I was pretty sure it was a transgender woman. We VERY discreetly discussed the differences - stature, etc. He finally said, "Can't we just ask?" EEP! No!

These social situations sound like pretty typical problems; but do they become easier for ASD people to navigate with learning and practice, or are they always strange?