Getting a boyfriend as a girl with AS

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Where do I start? I'm 18, lonely and seeking romance, but would not be considered "pretty" at all and am quite shy. I'm only really mildly affected by my diagnosis as I don't do any of that stimming stuff, know when the wrong and right times are to say certain things and use words such as "sweet" and "awesome" all the time, and I tend to dislike guys on the spectrum as their behaviour is really unattractive to someone like me who makes an effort to fit in with the rest of the world. Also, most of them are white, at least the ones who actually are diagnosed, and I'm not attracted to men of my own race at all (no offense, and don't hate me).

How does someone like me, who's just a little awkward/geeky and doesn't look or dress "sexy" at all, go about meeting guys? I'm reluctant to ask here, but if I go to any other site and give away my diagnosis I'll instantly be teased and mocked due to the stereotype of the loser who doesn't know how to act... What's a lonely girl to do?

Eyeroll all you want. I'm trying to break out of this behaviour and dating a guy with a similar affliction won't teach me anything.

You're acting as if we're all "losers who don't know how to act" yet you're shaming people who label you as such, do you not see how huge of a hypocrisy that is? If you want people to not stereotype you, why would you go and stereotype others for the exact same reason? Quite a bit of us (of both genders) are actually rather successful and work very hard to overcome the challenges of being on the autism spectrum everyday.

Okay, I understand, but I just don't want to date a guy on the spectrum because all of the ones I've met haven't even tried to overcome these challenges - they're oblivious to their surroundings, and I wouldn't be able to live with someone like that. If a guy was diagnosed and fit my other criteria, if he was high-functioning enough and didn't have any extremely offputting traits it might be fine, but I'd just prefer someone more social to balance out my shyness and help me break out of my shell.

As much as I see the point in this post, there are far better ways to approach it than that. And in case you didn't catch this:"Tend" i.e. usually, not always. This is not a stereotype. I tend to dislike local guys on the spectrum myself (even though I'm male), but with the worldwide populous here on this forum, I've found quite a few individuals I'd legitimately hang out with on a regular basis if I had the time and frequent flyer miles


Back to the original post:
I know exactly where you're coming from with this, but there's two things to keep in mind: 1) not every guy on the spectrum is like that, so keep an open mind in that regard (not necessarily saying you should take that as your only avenue -- there's a ton of NT/Aspie marriages even on here that are successful and long-term), and 2) some NT's are actually looking for someone that you describe yourself as. Keep looking at both avenues, and you'll find someone.

While this does complicate things (I don't recall the Australian demographic, but I believe it's mostly white? Correct me if I'm wrong though), it shouldn't eliminate all possibilities here. No need to apologize, I feel the same way. While I'm not romantically attracted to black chics, I like to think of my fiancee's black friends as my friends too (they were nice when I met them, and are both on the spectrum I think). Don't have any of my own, but that's mostly because of demographics -- I go to a mostly-white church, live in a mostly-white town, it's not a matter of interest, it's a matter of opportunity. When I've visited places outside my home, I've gotten along with all ethnicities and ages just fine.

There's two approaches you can take: 1) share your diagnosis but not a picture (so no one can look you up or anything) and reject anyone who is unkind to you and/or is trying to take advantage of you (let's be honest, would you actually date a guy who did this? No, so why waste your time?), or 2) post as much as you can about yourself short of actually sharing your diagnosis, maybe include a picture, and wait until it becomes relevant (or until you're ready) before sharing your secret with your partner. Keep in mind: the only thing sharing your diagnosis does at a later stage in the relationship is explain why you are the way you are.

Hobbies, pastimes, interests, passions, favorite activities -- these are the best ways to meet people who are interested in the same things you are, and who may be like-minded in ways beyond that activity also. If any of your hobbies or interests take you to a place where others are -- readers are in libraries and bookstores, birdwatchers are out in parks and forests, for example, get out there where others who like something you like are probably going to be. If you can think of anything you're into that translates to a physical location where others into that same thing will tend to gather, spend lots of time there.

The harder part comes after that -- actually striking up a conversation with someone there. But that will come the more time you spend there. I like birds and go to a park where I actually just want to be alone, but over the years now all kinds of people have talked to me. If you go somewhere a lot it's hard not to wind up having someone chat to you one day.

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Get on a dating website and post a photo. Even if your photo is not so nice you will still get some messages - there is more guys on sites like that than girls. But try to make sure you look decent, no need to look sexy, just don't do anything stupid with your face expression... unless you smile, guys seem to be atracted by smiles and laughs.

You can say anything about your diagnosis or not, it's up to you. I said I am "a self diagnosed aspie" in the end of my profile and noone made fun of me. Some people talked to me to ask why I think so and some people with similliar personality talked to me telling they might have Asperger too because I sound just like them but that's it, most people don't even mention it.

I suppose most guys don't bother reading the profile - they just look at the photo and area I am from. I stated "message me if our compatibility is over 60%" (the website counts compatibility depending on answers for some questions) to filter people who don't pay attention and I am still getting bunch of messages. Especially from people with compatibility of 30% or less - which I call "extreme NTs".

The website I am talking about right now is OKCupid but I suggest to find a website focused on your area. There is a possibility you will like a guy from other continent if you use OKCupid which isn't that fun if you can't stand the traveling and everything it takes.
I met the guy I am somehow dating in a dating website designed for my country. The guy lives in a city 40kms away. The website also got some compatibility test and we had 78% compatibility. Guys like that seen the best for me (70-85%). Lower compatibility is too many differences and higher... well, higher compatibility guys are usually too aspie-like for my taste. But you might want some 50-70% guys, since you don't want a boyfriend with traits (my "friend" has a lot of traits but he is more of an introvert than autistic, he definitely does well with social skills and he is very empathic but also shy, focused on his interests and sometimes gets things literally - sometimes I find myself explaining him what something was supposed to mean ).

Your criteria for dating is your business. Don't let haters guilt you about this.

That being said, DO try to understand where a lot of us are coming from. Life and people haven't been kind to us, and it is very easy for us to become bitter. You may not mean to, but saying some of the things you've said can come across as terribly hypocritical. You might do better saying "I'm looking for X, Y, Z in a guy" without all the hateful-sounding qualifiers--i.e. say more about what you ARE looking for rather than not. That way you won't have people giving you a hard time thinking you're trying to be better than them or that you have something against nerds or whatever.

Last edited by AngelRho on 16 Jun 2014, 5:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Ignore all the sour grapes, Yayoi.
If you want a fast track to dating, just make a dating profile and be as open minded as possible. Providing you have a couple of pics up the men will start messaging you. Whether or not they are to your likings is another story, though, and it's worth remembering you could be equally undesirable to the men on dating sites for whatever reason.

Have fun in the dating game....! !

A good first step would be to not have massive checklists. The ideal woman for me is attractive, friendly, and intelligent (and these are traits I would not make a compromise on). I would also love a girl who liked country music before Billy Ray Cyrus, would rather play video games than go out partying, liked weightlifting as much as I did, who'd love it if I spent my spare money on Jeep parts, was a mix between two races, who never aged, and who never created any drama of any kind. Since I know that a girl like that won't come around if I'm just sitting around waiting for her, I do not have a massive checklist.

If you're not pretty, don't expect a guy who is, and if you're socially awkward, don't write of a guy instantly just because he is either. You could try dating sites, but don't bother paying for Match.com or something like that. In any case, there are guys outh there (some of them with normal social skills) who aren't bothered by your social awkwardness.

I'm lucky enough to live in a big, multicultural city, so the number of potential non-white boyfriends is relatively high. The further you get from the inner city, the more mono-cultural it gets, but I generally avoid those parts. The major cities (i.e. the state capitals) are fairly multicultural in general. So glad I don't live in a small town where you can yell "Jones" and every second person on the street turns around.

Another question (directed at everyone - not just Shep) is: is it worth improving my appearance to make myself prettier? I'm not satisfied with my looks at all, and have lately been trying to find better clothes, get my hair professionally styled and so on, all because I'm sick of being so plain.

I think that is wrong. If you have problems with dating, chances are big you have the neurodiverse courtship behavior, and then you either need to learn how to use that naturally with people on the spectrum (and many of those are not diagnosed or low-functioning), or you need to learn the rules of neurotypical dating. Even if you decide to do the latter, you can gain a lot of insight by knowing how you function normally and what the differences are by first trying somebody neurodiverse.

It is good idea.
"Pretty people got easier in life" is a well know fact. People are generally nicer to people who look pretty/well-groomed compared with those ugly/unkempt. That's in the human nature.

So do it as long as it is not over your limit. Keeping your hair clean and cut nicely, wearing clean, well looking clothes (just well looking, no need to wear uncomfortable "sexy" clothes if you don't feel good wearing them, you are young so simple jeans and a t-shirt will do the trick) and hiding skin imperfections under a light make up honestly helps in life. It not only make more guys consider you a girlfriend material but also makes people consider you more dependable (if someone doesn't even care of his own look then why would he care about the job/boyfriend/anything?).

Just make sure you feel good with your style. There is nothing worse then a pretty, fashionable lady with face expression of an unhappy witch that got something biting her under her skin. In that case even ugly but happy (smiling) girls are much more attractive. At least in eyes of boys who are worth it. You don't want a boyfriend who is all about looks and doesn't give a damn about how you feel, do you?

It never hurts to try to improve one's appearance.

Agreed.

Personality and appearance are the proverbial feet in the door. That doesn't mean that looks are forever (I was skinny and had thick black hair before it started falling out in the middle of my university career?my baldness pattern makes it look as though I have a combover despite the fact I don't, and I put on a lot of weight after high school. I've dropped the weight, but the hair is long gone). Nor does it mean that Prince Charming really is once you get to know him. But it isn't easy to hang out with someone who smells bad or complains a lot, either. The sad fact is your best prospects for max LTR potential lie in people who present the best balance of looks and personality.

And the two tend to go hand-in-hand, too. People who are physically attractive TEND to pleasant personalities and, once you get to know them better, display a self-confidence that people with physical issues tend NOT to have.

There are exceptions, of course. I've met people who were unhealthy and smelled bad but were so hilarious to talk to you couldn't help but want to hang out with them. Truly awesome people are difficult to find as is. But truly awesome people who refuse to be defined by circumstances are an especially rare find.