My Aspiness has ruined my relationship

Page 1 of 3 [ 47 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3  Next

Jenna403
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 13 Jul 2014
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 56

24 Jul 2014, 4:24 pm

I'm a Aspie female engaged to a NT and we have both come to the realization this week that it just isn't going to work out in the long run. Sorry this is a ver long rant.

I'm fairly high functioning except in a few areas and of course those are the areas causing trouble. My main issues are my need for stability and predictability and to a lesser extent, my social troubles. You see, everything was fine in my relationship up until now . My fiancé. understands my quirks and does a great job of working around them but trouble starts when other people get thrown into the mix, especially his family.

His mom has been staying with us the past 2 weeks and it has been hell for me. She's a nice lady but she is around 24/7 and I need my alone time. Not to mention, I just absolutely hate having someone in my space. Everything gets moved around and it just makes me feel so violated. My fiancé knows about my hatred of house guests and normally we just don't allow them but in this case we felt we had no choice. His mom is divorcing her financially abusive husband and we wanted to make it as easy on her as possible. They were vacationing/ moving here from another province when they crap hit the fan in their relationship.Her husband left her here and went back home across the country so she had nowhere else to go. So fine, she stays here. The problem is that she can't make up her mind and it is literally driving me mad!! !

Originally, she and her husband were moving here and asked if they could help out by babysitting my daughter. We thought that was great so we cancelled our regular daycare. They were supposed to watch her starting the first week of June and for at least a year but as the time grew closer they mentioned that the hours were too long (7:30 until 6 when I get home). So after talking it over, we decided that I would quit my job and find something with better hours. I ended up getting a night job starting the week they were supposed to arrive in town to babysit for us. The idea was that I work nights, come home, then sleep for 5 or 6 hours while they babysat. Everyone said that it would work out great but that's not what happened. They kept coming up with excuses about why they couldn't watch her and after about 5 shifts without sleep, I had no choice but to quit my new job.

Starting a new job is a huge deal for me. It's hard for me to get used to the new routine and all the new people. I absolutely hate it. Now, because of them I have to do it all over again. That's not even the worst part. The worst part is that his mom cannot even decide whether of not to stay split up with her husband or not. Every few days she changes her mind. One day she's staying here, the next she's getting her own place, then the day after that, she's moving back to be with her husband. The instability is killing me. My fiancé says that a normal person would be able to cope with this but I cannot. I've been having panic attacks in my sleep every night and last night it got so bad that I just got out of bed and spent the night walking the rainy streets.

I don't know if it was the lack of sleep or the stress but today I had a huge meltdown. I was sitting on the couch looking upset and his mom kept pestering me to tell her what was wrong. I told her I was just stressed and overwhelmed but didn't want to talk. She told me I have to talk and that I should just "get over" feeling overwhelmed and stressed. I told her that is doesn't work like that and that I'm done talking to her about it. I then retreated to my room to have my tantrum in peace. But of course, she followed. Now she was crying and apologizing and trying to hug me. I told her that I can't handle it and just want to be left alone. My fiancé is obviously upset by how things turned out and now we are fighting about it.

I was also supposed to be a bridesmaid I'm my fiance's brother's wedding in August but we told them today that I won't be doing it now. It's just too overwhelming. The dress doesn't fit and is itchy and the thought of spending the day socializing with people and getting endless photos makes me want to vomit. Also, they keep demanding that I spend large amounts of money and attend a ton of awkward social events. When I try to explain that I cannot, they get really angry and harass us non-stop. I only agreed to be a bridesmaid because I felt obligated to but I feel bad about backing out so close to the day. That was entirely my fault. I should have known myself well enough to know that it would be a problem. Obviously his brother and his fiancé are not impressed.

So, as you can see, my relationship with my fiance's family is not good and as a result, we are thinking of calling it quits. He wants me to act like part of the family but we both know that will never happen. We know that if we continue our relationship, his relationship with his mom and brother will become strained.

I love my fiance but I cannot continue feeling overwhelmed and stressed out. I think I'd rather be alone with my kids.



AspieUtah
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 20 Jun 2014
Age: 58
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,118
Location: Brigham City, Utah

24 Jul 2014, 4:51 pm

Throughout all this where was your husband? I mean, he is the link between his mother and you. As such, has he explained to her what your expectations and limits are? Your adaptations with these new circumstances seem huge whereas their adaptations (including those they should be making with you) seem insignificant or even hostile.

Have you asked your husband to resolve some of these problems with his mother?


_________________
Diagnosed in 2015 with ASD Level 1 by the University of Utah Health Care Autism Spectrum Disorder Clinic using the ADOS-2 Module 4 assessment instrument [11/30] -- Screened in 2014 with ASD by using the University of Cambridge Autism Research Centre AQ (Adult) [43/50]; EQ-60 for adults [11/80]; FQ [43/135]; SQ (Adult) [130/150] self-reported screening inventories -- Assessed since 1978 with an estimated IQ [≈145] by several clinicians -- Contact on WrongPlanet.net by private message (PM)


aspiemike
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 8 Jul 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,188
Location: Canada

24 Jul 2014, 4:52 pm

One important item I got out of reading your op is that you may have issues speaking up about your needs ahead of time. Have you had problems with that in your relationship?


_________________
Your Aspie score: 130 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 88 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie


Jenna403
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 13 Jul 2014
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 56

24 Jul 2014, 4:59 pm

My fiancé tries to play the middle guy. He wants to make thing easy for all if us but I don't think it works that way. Through most of the interactions with his mom, he's been at work. It's just her and I at home with the kids. I was supposed to be working but because of all the drama with the babysitting, I am terrified that I will get another job and it won't work out again because if her unreliability. We are on the wait list with our old dayhome but it looks like it will be a few months before we can get the kids in there.

He has tried to explain to his mom about my need for routine and my troubles with change but it falls on deaf ears. She is very old school and believes that it is a choice to be this way. I have even tried to explain that yes, I can control getting overwhelmed, but only if I avoid certain situations which I know will stress me out. The problem is that these situations keep being thrust upon me. I feel an overwhelming urge to run away from my own home and life.

My poor fiancé does not want to ruin his relationship with his family but I don't want to live feeling the way I do. We are at a standstill.



Marcia
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Apr 2008
Age: 52
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,148

24 Jul 2014, 5:03 pm

Jenna403 wrote:
My fiancé says that a normal person would be able to cope with this ....


He is wrong.

Starting a new job is an extremely stressful life event, for anyone. It's up there along with bereavement, marriage breakdown and moving house. You've been through giving up one job, starting another only to have to give up that job too, and now have the prospect of having to find another one.

Having reliable child-care is another massive issue. Parents need to know that their children are being cared for properly, and in a way that enables them to live their own lives. That's not happening either, and the entire burden seems to be falling on you. Any woman would find that extremely stressful, on its own, never mind with the job issue and all the rest.

Having someone else in your own personal, domestic space is also extremely stressful for many people, especially when there is a lack of stability in other aspects of their life. It's not as if you can escape when you go to work, because your fiancé's family's own problems have taken that away from you too.

Change in so many aspects of your life, coupled with the uncertainty provided by your fiancé's mother's prevaricating about what she's going to do, is another source of stress.

All of these things, on their own, never mind all together, would be extremely stressful for anyone - no matter how "normal" they are. In fact, I would say that you are the one who is behaving normally here, and your fiancé is the one whose failure to recognise that is less than normal.



Jenna403
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 13 Jul 2014
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 56

24 Jul 2014, 5:05 pm

aspiemike wrote:
One important item I got out of reading your op is that you may have issues speaking up about your needs ahead of time. Have you had problems with that in your relationship?


To answer your question, I am very vocal about what I need. I was very upfront to my fiancé about how stressed I get in dealing with his families demands ( this isnt the first time this has happened) but it seems like it cannot be avoided. My fiancé feels torn between me and his family.

He did say last night that sometimes he wishes I just didnt tell him when I am unhappy or overwhelmed because it makes him feel helpless. He blames himself for this mess but I think it's mostly my fault.



Marcia
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Apr 2008
Age: 52
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,148

24 Jul 2014, 5:08 pm

Jenna403 wrote:
aspiemike wrote:
One important item I got out of reading your op is that you may have issues speaking up about your needs ahead of time. Have you had problems with that in your relationship?


To answer your question, I am very vocal about what I need. I was very upfront to my fiancé about how stressed I get in dealing with his families demands ( this isnt the first time this has happened) but it seems like it cannot be avoided. My fiancé feels torn between me and his family.

He did say last night that sometimes he wishes I just didnt tell him when I am unhappy or overwhelmed because it makes him feel helpless. He blames himself for this mess but I think it's mostly my fault.


This is not your fault. As I've said above, your responses are entirely understandable and most people would feel exactly as you do.



Jenna403
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 13 Jul 2014
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 56

24 Jul 2014, 5:15 pm

Marcia wrote:
Jenna403 wrote:
aspiemike wrote:
One important item I got out of reading your op is that you may have issues speaking up about your needs ahead of time. Have you had problems with that in your relationship?


To answer your question, I am very vocal about what I need. I was very upfront to my fiancé about how stressed I get in dealing with his families demands ( this isnt the first time this has happened) but it seems like it cannot be avoided. My fiancé feels torn between me and his family.

He did say last night that sometimes he wishes I just didnt tell him when I am unhappy or overwhelmed because it makes him feel helpless. He blames himself for this mess but I think it's mostly my fault.


This is not your fault. As I've said above, your responses are entirely understandable and most people would feel exactly as you do.


I'm glad someone else sees it my way. I just feel like such a big baby when I break down and cry about it. I don't have any of my own family (parents etc.) so it makes it even harder for me to put up with family drama. It just makes no sense to me. My fiancé wants everyone to be happy but it's just not possible.ive learned that I really just cannot deal with the demands of an extended family and it is making me question the feasibility of this relationship. Should I just cut my losses and leave?



1401b
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 May 2012
Age: 121
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,584

24 Jul 2014, 5:33 pm

All these things would garbage-can anybody's life and most people succumb to far less, even one or two of these things.

IMHO your aspieness's contribution was too small to make a difference.

A dump truck wont squash a cat any flatter than a corvette.

NeuroTypicals are soooo mindlessly optimistic about their abilities, if they're so awesome then why is there divorce?


_________________
(14.01.b) Been there; Done that; and wow am I embarrassed.
Our Project- https://sites.google.com/site/StabilizingAutism

What's wrong with Humans?
https://sites.google.com/site/Stabilizi ... troduction


Jenna403
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 13 Jul 2014
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 56

24 Jul 2014, 5:39 pm

1401b wrote:
All these things would garbage-can anybody's life and most people succumb to far less, even one or two of these things.

IMHO your aspieness's contribution was too small to make a difference.

A dump truck wont squash a cat any flatter than a corvette.

NeuroTypicals are soooo mindlessly optimistic about their abilities, if they're so awesome then why is there divorce?


I have wondered how much of my response to all of this was Aspergers related and how much was just a normal reaction to stress. My mother in law said " I was more stressed than you, I had 3 small kids and I was alone". My reaction to that is that at least she was in control of her life. I feel like my family and me are an afterthought in our own lives.



Marcia
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Apr 2008
Age: 52
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,148

24 Jul 2014, 5:44 pm

It's your home, and your fiancé's mother is your guest. Does your fiancé find it difficult to stand up to his mother, or to set out boundaries with her? It does seem that he wishes you were able to cope better, not out of concern for you, but because it would make it easier for him.

It seems to me that your fiancé should speak with his mother about her future plans, and set out some boundaries for the time she is staying with you. Before he does that, you and he need to talk about what would make this very difficult situation at least manageable for you in the meantime.

Rather than you and her being together in the house all day, are there play schemes or other activities that she could take the children to? That would at least give you some time in your own home, on your own. If you gave her a shopping list, would she go out and do the shopping for you?



Marcia
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Apr 2008
Age: 52
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,148

24 Jul 2014, 5:47 pm

Jenna403 wrote:
1401b wrote:
All these things would garbage-can anybody's life and most people succumb to far less, even one or two of these things.

IMHO your aspieness's contribution was too small to make a difference.

A dump truck wont squash a cat any flatter than a corvette.

NeuroTypicals are soooo mindlessly optimistic about their abilities, if they're so awesome then why is there divorce?


I have wondered how much of my response to all of this was Aspergers related and how much was just a normal reaction to stress. My mother in law said " I was more stressed than you, I had 3 small kids and I was alone". My reaction to that is that at least she was in control of her life. I feel like my family and me are an afterthought in our own lives.


Aaaargh! She has some cheek! She's the source of your stress and she's turning it into a competition in which she's the winner! :roll:

Edited to add: There's a website called Captain Awkward, which provides great advice and support for situations like the one you find yourself in. It's like an agony aunt column, with contributions from readers too. Others have written in with similar situations to yours, and you'll find advice there about setting boundaries, scripts and encouraging your fiancé to take responsibility too. Check out this link

http://captainawkward.com



Jenna403
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 13 Jul 2014
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 56

24 Jul 2014, 5:52 pm

Marcia wrote:
It's your home, and your fiancé's mother is your guest. Does your fiancé find it difficult to stand up to his mother, or to set out boundaries with her? It does seem that he wishes you were able to cope better, not out of concern for you, but because it would make it easier for him.

It seems to me that your fiancé should speak with his mother about her future plans, and set out some boundaries for the time she is staying with you. Before he does that, you and he need to talk about what would make this very difficult situation at least manageable for you in the meantime.

Rather than you and her being together in the house all day, are there play schemes or other activities that she could take the children to? That would at least give you some time in your own home, on your own. If you gave her a shopping list, would she go out and do the shopping for you?


Ha ha I wish. We don't have a car. Well my fiancé does but he takes it to work because I can't drive and his mom won't drive around an unfamiliar city. She is remarkably unhelpful with the children. She will play with them in the livingroom but has no interest in taking them anywhere or doing anything with them. She just sits here with us all day.my fiancé tries to get her to babysit so we can go out to have some alone time since she's here anyway but she makes it so evident that she doesn't want to be doing it. She always says "why are you going out", "how long will you be?", "you aren't going out again soon are you?". It's so frustrating.

We also try to get her to have fun. We've invited her to come out with us to evebts and restaurants we like but she always says no. She does not seem like a fun grandma at all.



tarantella64
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Feb 2011
Age: 57
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,850

24 Jul 2014, 5:53 pm

OP, this is a blessing in disguise.

You're about to marry into what really is a very ordinary family. People's families work like this and everyone's expected to just roll with the chaos and the living in each others' laps. As part of the family, you'll be expected to do the same.

A few things need to happen here for sanity to prevail, though none of it will make your husband or his family happen.

First, you need to get your kids back into regular childcare. Don't chew it over with your fiance, just arrange it. And consider it a lesson learned: never rely on family for regular childcare.

Second, you need to tell your fiance that you cannot have his mom living with you, and actually set a deadline for when one of you, the mom or you, moves out. He will not be at all happy about this and will get upset, saying you've put him in the middle. Nonetheless, this is what you need; they can decide which it will be. His mother will be massively insulted. That's just how it is, but it's her problem to deal with.

Third, you need to have a serious conversation, or set of conversations, with your fiance, who probably does not imagine that family can function any other way. If you marry this guy, yes, you will be dealing with these problems routinely, and so will he. The fact is that no, you cannot function like the rest of his family does, nor should you be expected to. Nor should that be a subject for attacks, and if you marry, you will expect him to shield you from those things.

Then you need to decide whether this is really a good family for you to join, because it's not going to change.

You got an early heads-up, which most people don't. So it sucks, but value it for that.



Jenna403
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 13 Jul 2014
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 56

24 Jul 2014, 6:04 pm

[quote="tarantella64"]OP, this is a blessing in disguise.

You're about to marry into what really is a very ordinary family. People's families work like this and everyone's expected to just roll with the chaos and the living in each others' laps. As part of the family, you'll be expected to do the same.

A few things need to happen here for sanity to prevail, though none of it will make your husband or his family happen.

First, you need to get your kids back into regular childcare. Don't chew it over with your fiance, just arrange it. And consider it a lesson learned: never rely on family for regular childcare.

Second, you need to tell your fiance that you cannot have his mom living with you, and actually set a deadline for when one of you, the mom or you, moves out. He will not be at all happy about this and will get upset, saying you've put him in the middle. Nonetheless, this is what you need; they can decide which it will be. His mother will be massively insulted. That's just how it is, but it's her problem to deal with.

Third, you need to have a serious conversation, or set of conversations, with your fiance, who probably does not imagine that family can function any other way. If you marry this guy, yes, you will be dealing with these problems routinely, and so will he. The fact is that no, you cannot function like the rest of his family does, nor should you be expected to. Nor should that be a subject for attacks, and if you marry, you will expect him to shield you from those things.

Then you need to decide whether this is really a good family for you to join, because it's not going to change.

You got an early heads-up, which most people don't. So it sucks, but value it for that.[/quote

This is so direct and honest. Thank you. I think you are right. I think what it comes down to is that I'm just not getting what I need out of this relationship. I know we need to be firmer with his family but i know he wont be. they are too inportant to him.My fiancé is good about making people aware of my "special needs" but he is terrible at making sure people meet them., even himself. For example, I'm often forced to travel to his brothers house and stay there for a long weekend but it is a horrible experience for me.I am awkward in other people's houses and I cannot sleep at all. I love my fiancé and our relationship works well in its own little bubble but once we are in the real world it just falls apart.



Agrestic
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 3 Jan 2014
Age: 26
Gender: Female
Posts: 58

24 Jul 2014, 8:46 pm

Jenna403 wrote:
This is so direct and honest. Thank you. I think you are right. I think what it comes down to is that I'm just not getting what I need out of this relationship. I know we need to be firmer with his family but i know he wont be. they are too inportant to him.My fiancé is good about making people aware of my "special needs" but he is terrible at making sure people meet them., even himself. For example, I'm often forced to travel to his brothers house and stay there for a long weekend but it is a horrible experience for me.I am awkward in other people's houses and I cannot sleep at all. I love my fiancé and our relationship works well in its own little bubble but once we are in the real world it just falls apart.


You know, you've got to do you. If you don't feel satisfied in this relationship, then that's a flag that you should try to talk to him.

It's concerning to me that he seems plenty capable of notifying others of a private matter and doesn't give you the support you need for it. It strikes me as a situation where's there's a fire alarm but no sprinklers; so although you're aware there's a fire, you're not doing anything about putting it out.

This fire needs to be put out. You are a person in this relationship as well, and you have the right to have your basic relationship needs met. Although there are children involved, you have the right to pursue happiness. If you feel you can't do that with him, then it may be time to separate.