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chaotic_descent
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28 Feb 2007, 10:43 pm

this post is going to be kind of unfocussed. I'm not sure where to put this post. I have a feeling I'm more interested right now in dealing with my own issues rather than general issues.
I don't really know what to do with my life. or what I CAN do. I think I'm built my life to be restrictive, so that I don't have to worry about all the possibilities. but now I'm getting restless.
I'm lost. My mind is a mess.
I don't know what I want, except more than this. but I don't really want anything specific.
I think I might be insecure. I'm not sure if that's the only thing from stopping me from enjoying things more than I do. I don't enjoy much. Maybe watching a comedy, or eating sweets. But you can't use that in your life as the counterbalance against all the crap.
I'm not sure if I have asperger's. I guess I'm sensitive to stuff when I'm under stress. I can interpret people's non-verbal communication fairly well.
I get really easily discouraged.
I'm tired of distracting myself... entertainment is no longer entertaining. I'm so bored, but so stuck where I am.
I'm sorry this post is kinda useless. I'm not sure what good can come of it.



krex
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28 Feb 2007, 11:24 pm

From reading your post it seems obvious to me that you have clinical depression.This isnt just angst....it is depression.If you do have AS,then that is a common co-morbid.I dont think you will be able to "put your house in order" until you deal with the depression.I dont think you will have as much luck dealing with the depression unless you see a psych that is experienced in AS,though this may not be practicle,as it takes a long time to get an appointment(very few specialist)You can try and find someone who is at least informed(not expert)with AS,do help treat your depression but I have had a life time of bad experiences with bad psychs who misinterpreted my AS in neurotypical ways that simply did not apply to me(and their suggestions were counter to what was most effective for someone with AS.,IMHO)

I would think it might be helpful for you to read more about AS and how it may apply to you(or not)just to rule this out.Some of my depression has been lessened just by knowing about AS and that I am not alone(or as much as a freak as some have told me most of my life.)I dont know why that helps,but it did for me.

I hope you can get the help you need.I did, but it has been a life long progression from obsessed with suicide,addictions and slow self-destruction....to confused reordering of my priorities and redefining my likes and dislikes(instead of letting my family,boyfriend,theripist or popular society define it for me).At 43,I am still discovering and seeking but no longer miserable at the process......it's not impossible,but not easy either.


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lab_pet
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01 Mar 2007, 12:26 am

I almost do not know what to say.....I am sorry you are sad. I am autistic - AS. I struggle often. This last year (2006) was very hard and I really try. I do feel better though! I am probably not depressed though (you seem to be, but I do not want to be presumptuous). Probably a doctor can help you. Prescription medication can really help.
Sometimes I feel deeply far away and I cannot wake up. But, at the same time, this makes me a strong scientist (I'm a lab chemist/analyst) and an artist (just a hobby): It's bittersweet. Do you understand? My difference defines me but I am sometimes not understandable &/or relateable (sp)? I am very conscientious and sensitive; I do want to please. I am naturally shy and when I'm not feeling well I can be very withdrawn. I think, for me, the hardest part is I have no self confidence. Sometimes even if someone, anyone, says something nice to me that's all I need to spur me on. But, mostly I am self-motivated and highly disciplined. I'm just trying to say, if you are in fact an Aspie (like me), then you have a tough road. I am analytical but I do feel. I often cannot identify what I feel and NT interactions are foreign to me since they follow no discernable pattern. I can feel overwhelmed/faint with my enhanced senses. I am almost non-verbal (I sometimes cry in public - this is so bad)! I am synonymous with my science and this is my identity which is continuous with my artwork. Does this make sense? No easy answers.......find what you love to do and do it well. Show them what you've got! We're gifted Aspies.....remember this when you feel lost (or even suicidal) - do you? I hope you feel better.


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chaotic_descent
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01 Mar 2007, 1:53 am

krex wrote:
From reading your post it seems obvious to me that you have clinical depression.This isnt just angst....it is depression.If you do have AS,then that is a common co-morbid.I dont think you will be able to "put your house in order" until you deal with the depression.I dont think you will have as much luck dealing with the depression unless you see a psych that is experienced in AS,though this may not be practicle,as it takes a long time to get an appointment(very few specialist)You can try and find someone who is at least informed(not expert)with AS,do help treat your depression but I have had a life time of bad experiences with bad psychs who misinterpreted my AS in neurotypical ways that simply did not apply to me(and their suggestions were counter to what was most effective for someone with AS.,IMHO)

I would think it might be helpful for you to read more about AS and how it may apply to you(or not)just to rule this out.Some of my depression has been lessened just by knowing about AS and that I am not alone(or as much as a freak as some have told me most of my life.)I dont know why that helps,but it did for me.

I hope you can get the help you need.I did, but it has been a life long progression from obsessed with suicide,addictions and slow self-destruction....to confused reordering of my priorities and redefining my likes and dislikes(instead of letting my family,boyfriend,theripist or popular society define it for me).At 43,I am still discovering and seeking but no longer miserable at the process......it's not impossible,but not easy either.

yeah, depression.

I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing with a talky-shrink. I got referred to someone who was supposed to know about Asperger's, but apparantly they're just the perscription shrink, and they don't really do talking. and I didn't want to take drugs. definately not without any councelling. I just can't completely trust the system. I don't trust that medication is necessary. I'm also worried that there are problems with medication that they don't tell you about. and are they only supposed to work one way? what if they work like recreational drugs and just make me feel good all the time and then it becomes even more miserable to feel normal? I suspected once when I first tried a medication that it was having that kind of an effect because I felt good even though the situation felt strange... maybe I misjudged. I don't know. I stopped taking the medication at the time, and since trying it again, it didn't have any positive effects... so who knows. maybe I screwed myself. damned idiot doctors don't tell you anything. they are completely disconnected from the real world.

I read all these books, and they all have different ideas about what's important... I don't know. they all seem disconnected. how do they interact? if I could just unblock my happiness and find what I like... I could stand things not being great all the time. right now I just kinda... blah. block everything out, try to distract myself. and sometimes it's not enough and things are miserable. but I just kinda hang on. because things aren't that bad. I'm just waiting for strength. waiting for things to start making sense. waiting to stumble upon something to put the pieces together.



krex
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01 Mar 2007, 5:03 am

I have had mixed results with anti-depressants....the Zoloft made me feel like a zombie....no emotion,everything grey...ie..."comfortably numb.It was a little scary,because I didnt even realize it was doing that until I stopped taking it(which was sheer hell,withdrawl was not fun)I have been taking 75mg of Effexor for over 4 years.I take it to keep from crying all the time,which I found irritating and embarassing,especially when it appears to come out of no where...nothing changing for the worst in my life....just spontaneous tears which I feel disconnected to.The only side effects I have had are decrease libido and my memory has gotten worse but that could be unrelated....I cant prove a corrilation.I tried Wellbutrin for about 2 weeks and almost felt optimistic...but then had such an allergic reaction I had to go off it and take meds for the allergy.....perhaps I am allergic to happiness?Some days it feels like it.

Talk therepy was a waste of time for me.The only counseling I had that helped a little was RET(Rational Emotive Therapy)They actually talk to you and try and get you to see rational flaws in your cognitive process that are harmful to you>I did feel that it was a bit "brainwashy" but I was so desperate....it was either have my brain washed and try a new way to think or die.I thik the basic problem for me was the "unfairness and insanity of life and humans"....They didnt really argue with me that the world sucked,only that I needed to stop focusing on it since doing so wasnt making the world a better place.They had me go back to my childhood and rediscover what had made me happy before the depression.I never was a "happy,happy,jooy,joy" kind of person and never will be.Yet,there was a time when I was less depressed.It was when I was bike riding,looking for agates,walking in nature,being around animals,reading,creating art.......I centered my life around those things and gave up on trying or waiting to be "normal".I forced myself to give up the comfort of suicide thinking for 10 years and if my life was still intolerable....to go ahead and do it,knowing that I had made every effort.I figured out the things that stress me the most....socializing(or trying to),some places that are sensory nightmares......Probably the best thing that happened to "cure" my depression was getting an overnight job and finding a person who excepts all my oddness.I made it very clear from the beginning who I was good and bad,and told them not to try and change me....I got lucky,but my honesty and not settling just to avoid being alone,was my choice.

I wish I could "fix what ails you",but I can only tell you,that I have been there and I got better,not exactly cheerleader material but no longer suicidal and that was a long distance run for me.I hope you have the energy to keep pursuing help.You are right that there are no drugs for AS and many anti-depressants take time to find one that works.I was also afraid to lose "myself" and turn into a "smiley zombie" but believe me,I can still get plenty miserable,angry on these meds.It just keeps it from consuming me.


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Ignition_Cognition
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01 Mar 2007, 8:20 am

chaotic_descent wrote:
I don't really know what to do with my life. or what I CAN do. I think I'm built my life to be restrictive, so that I don't have to worry about all the possibilities. but now I'm getting restless.
I'm lost. My mind is a mess.
I don't know what I want, except more than this. but I don't really want anything specific.
I think I might be insecure. I'm not sure if that's the only thing from stopping me from enjoying things more than I do. I don't enjoy much. Maybe watching a comedy, or eating sweets. But you can't use that in your life as the counterbalance against all the crap.
I get really easily discouraged.


I feel the same way, I just feel emtpy much of the time, not sad or miserable or angry, but just emtpy like something important is missing. I've got nothing to focus on in life, because I don't really have a passion for anything anymore, I don't have any kind of talent or gift. I often feel like I can't muster the energy to do anything at all, particularly when I have to leave my house for whatever reason, doctors or dentists appointments for example, or to go to the bank. Just little outings like that which take about 1 hour out of my day seem to destroy my spirit and I don't really know why. So I will just sit about feeling frustrated because I can't find the motivation to do anything despite me being incredibly bored.

My life consists of sitting at home playing video games and I'm reasonably happy when I'm doing that but I'm actually finding it difficult to actually bring myself to load up a game and start playing, I just can't be bothered most of the time, even though I know I'd be enjoying myself more if I was doing this, I just can't be bothered half the time, it's like my subconcious wants me to be bored and is just shutting my mind down whenever I go to do anything. :?



chaotic_descent
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08 Mar 2007, 5:21 am

Ignition_Cognition wrote:
I feel the same way, I just feel emtpy much of the time, not sad or miserable or angry, but just emtpy like something important is missing. I've got nothing to focus on in life, because I don't really have a passion for anything anymore, I don't have any kind of talent or gift. I often feel like I can't muster the energy to do anything at all, particularly when I have to leave my house for whatever reason, doctors or dentists appointments for example, or to go to the bank. Just little outings like that which take about 1 hour out of my day seem to destroy my spirit and I don't really know why. So I will just sit about feeling frustrated because I can't find the motivation to do anything despite me being incredibly bored.

My life consists of sitting at home playing video games and I'm reasonably happy when I'm doing that but I'm actually finding it difficult to actually bring myself to load up a game and start playing, I just can't be bothered most of the time, even though I know I'd be enjoying myself more if I was doing this, I just can't be bothered half the time, it's like my subconcious wants me to be bored and is just shutting my mind down whenever I go to do anything. :?

Maybe your subconcious is not so content with playing video games.
Well, I've spent enough years doing that that I'm not enjoying it anymore. And the penalties of ignoring the real world are starting to catch up with me. My body doesn't like all the neglect it's recieved over the years. Hours spent in front of the computer.

I totally don't understand my process though... most of the time I struggle to be active. Tonight I'm struggling to stop being active. It's 5:20am and I'm still awake. I have no idea how that happened.



shortfatbalduglyman
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21 Apr 2017, 9:56 pm

this post is going to be kind of unfocussed. I'm not sure where to put this post. I have a feeling I'm more interested right now in dealing with my own issues rather than general issues.
I don't really know what to do with my life. or what I CAN do. I think I'm built my life to be restrictive, so that I don't have to worry about all the possibilities. but now I'm getting restless.
I'm lost. My mind is a mess.
I don't know what I want, except more than this. but I don't really want anything specific.
I think I might be insecure. I'm not sure if that's the only thing from stopping me from enjoying things more than I do. I don't enjoy much. Maybe watching a comedy, or eating sweets. But you can't use that in your life as the counterbalance against all the crap.
I'm not sure if I have asperger's. I guess I'm sensitive to stuff when I'm under stress. I can interpret people's non-verbal communication fairly well.
I get really easily discouraged.
I'm tired of distracting myself... entertainment is no longer entertaining. I'm so bored, but so stuck where I am.
I'm sorry this post is kinda useless. I'm not sure what good can come of it.

___________________________________________________________________

"I don't really know what to do with my life. or what I CAN do. I think I'm built my life to be restrictive, so that I don't have to worry about all the possibilities. but now I'm getting restless."

likewise.

"I think I might be insecure." and i am insecure. big deal. plenty of precious little "people" are overconfident.

there is no absolutely correct amount of confidence that matches each amount of competence. but it is only practical to have a functional amount of confidence. it does not matter if that functional amount is the absolutely correct amount.

"I don't enjoy much. Maybe watching a comedy, or eating sweets. But you can't use that in your life as the counterbalance against all the crap."

yes, i love eating. and it just does not seem to be like enough. maybe zoloft too.

"I'm not sure if I have asperger's." get a diagnosis.

"I'm so bored, but so stuck where I am." me too.