I'm NT and would like help with how best to communicate.

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Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
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06 Aug 2014, 12:55 pm

Hi everyone,

Firstly, thankyou for taking the time to read this. I really appreciate it.

Here's my situation:
I was with someone for about 8 months and then we broke up. We were both going through a lot and she was having lots of meltdowns and didn't quite know what was going on because she was undiagnosed at the time. After the break up our communication was up and down, mainly because of her long periods of silences which would sometimes extend to months. When I read about Aspergers and learnt more, I also learnt how to communicate better with her so that she did not get overwhelmed by things.

Recently I went to go and see her. (We live about 5 hours away from each other) We expressed that we missed each other. When we were together, we had a great time. We basically resumed where we left off. Our intimacy was great, our conversations, hugs, cuddles, time together..it was brilliant and we were very happy to be in each others company again. We sync incredibly well. I've never met someone whom I love so much in such a deep way. It's wonderful.

This was about two weekends ago. During these two weeks we've been exchanging text messages and always ending them with 'wish I could cuddle and hug you right now', those sort of things and it was great. We discussed her coming down to see me next weekend, which may or may not be a probability due to the situation that has just unravelled.

She has a problem with drinking. She can easily and does fairly often drink a bottle of wine to herself, by herself in one night. On Saturday she was very drunk at home and had taken triple the dose of her anti-depressants than she normally took in an effort to feel better (she often goes through depression, anxiety and life difficulties). When she was drunk we were texting intimately. It seemed fine.

The next morning I texted her and her response was something like 'Evidently I was VERY drunk last night. Sorry. I just need some space and time alone. Have a good day'.

It's Wednesday today and I still haven't heard from her since then. Now, I've read all I can read about Aspie's being overwhelmed with anxious situations or when they feel ashamed they retreat etc and I don't think she is retreating on purpose..I really do think that she may be ashamed/embarrassed about how she was that night.

The question is, is how do I encourage her to communicate with me. How would I go about encouraging communication? How would I word my questions?

I'm thinking of texting her something like: 'Is everything okay? We haven't spoken since Sunday morning, would you like to talk about anything that might be troubling you or is on your mind about Saturday?'...

I know that telling her how I feel in a direct way is best for her, but I don't know how to pose questions that might encourage her to open up without making her angry/overwhelmed/anxious..

From your points of view/experience, what is the best way to go about this? Do you have any advice on how I could word my message and questions in ways that will not overwhelm her?

Thanks. :)



dilanger
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06 Aug 2014, 1:29 pm

When you break radio silence

BE POSITIVE

This has gotten you confused and you want to ask a bunch of questions. If you do ask questions, ask 1, and make it count.

No expectations.


Here is the plan, make her laugh, have a conversation about each others hobbies. Keep it away from negative stuff like work, politics, and "Why you don't talk to me!?" Be more creative.

You gave her a few days. Good!



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Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
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06 Aug 2014, 1:40 pm

Thanks very much. :).

Hmm, 1 question. I really don't know what kind of question I would ask about the issue at hand. I've decided to contact her tomorrow evening.

Yes, I've noticed that she responds far better with humor, keeping away from negatives and talking about her special interests.

I'm even thinking that I should not ask a question about Saturday as that might trigger her thoughts about it but then again, I'm not sure that if I send a text saying something like 'Hey, how are you? How has your week been?' (which is always okay and she responds fine with that), it would be glossing over Saturday and that she would feel frightened that I am seemingly ignoring it.

About 3 weeks ago she text me with jumbled words because she had major self-harm thoughts suddenly erupting in her head so much that she couldn't string sentences together and the next day she was quite vocal about it and how she felt and I respected that..so she can be very honest when she wants to be, but I think that things to do with intimacy or when she feels that she's exposed too much of herself that she feels shameful about, she really does retreat and I know that aspects of intimacy and sex can frighten her and make her feel very self conscious.

She also recently put up a profile picture on her Facebook saying 'don't give up' which indicates that she probably is feeling quite low at the moment. I wish I could be closer to her to give her cuddles sometimes because we both love them. She may move closer if she gets the job she wants and that may improve our communications.



yournamehere
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06 Aug 2014, 4:37 pm

Communication is not a strong point. Neither is very social behavior. I actually found your topic quite humorous. Forgive me for that please. But an NT asking for help with social issues. It is like the shoe being on the other foot. It just sounds wrong? There are things that may keep her from wanting to talk to you. It is probably not you.


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Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
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06 Aug 2014, 5:28 pm

Sorry, I don't understand why you find that funny. I was asking advice for some good ways to approach the situation. I'm confused at your comment.

I know that communication and social issues are not a strong point in Aspies.

Which is exactly why or how is best to approach the situation without overwhelming her more understanding from the point of aspie's. I acknowledge that each approach would be different with each situation, but general ideas, comments is why I wrote this.

ps. I know it is not me. I didn't indicate that at all in my post.



yournamehere
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06 Aug 2014, 5:33 pm

I, and many like me people are such social blunderers that it is almost a tragedy. NT's are supposed to be good at this stuff.

Maybe my humor is just out of whack.


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kraftiekortie
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06 Aug 2014, 5:38 pm

NT's are not always good at social things--at all!

I would agree with the poster that just talking about topical stuff with your friend could break the ice. Maybe she's afraid of the intensity of feeling your texts engender. Maybe just be casual with her--let her make the first romantic move.



The_Face_of_Boo
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06 Aug 2014, 5:41 pm

Her problem is way beyond Asperger's; she needs some rehab center for alcohol and anti-depressants addiction.



Marcia
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06 Aug 2014, 6:33 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Her problem is way beyond Asperger's; she needs some rehab center for alcohol and anti-depressants addiction.


This.



aspiemike
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06 Aug 2014, 9:03 pm

So she has an alcohol problem and goes silent on you every so often. She will have to decide between you and the bottle.


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Your Aspie score: 130 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 88 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie


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Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
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07 Aug 2014, 1:56 am

Thanks for your replies. Much appreciated.

And yes NT's can have social problems indeed!

She's not addicted to SSRI's but at that time she was naive about how to take them because she's pretty much just started to take them. I think she thought that taking more = feelings better. She said she felt disappointingly normal which of course does suggest that she needs some help because the alcohol assists her in feeling better.

I'm definitely going to keep it light and not talk about Saturday.

Thanks again.



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Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
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07 Aug 2014, 1:58 am

It's okay yournamehere :). I'm not so good myself. I've sometimes wondered whether I'm on the spectrum or not! There's no correlation to this but I seem to get on with aspie's very well and a couple of my best friends are aspie's. Who knows!



Shebakoby
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07 Aug 2014, 3:28 am

Mind games, which annoy NTs, would drive an AS person right up the wall.



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Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
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07 Aug 2014, 12:14 pm

Hi. Are you saying that I am or that she is?



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Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
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07 Aug 2014, 12:22 pm

Hi. Are you saying that I am or that she is?