I don't know what I can do any more

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Hi, my name is Seth but I go by Workster online. I'm a 33 year-old male from Tennessee and I don't know what to do any more. Throughout the entirety of my life I have felt different but I don't know why. When I was about four or five I had problems with speech and didn't communicate with people and it caused anger issues. I overcame some of the problems but socializing and communication never could be fixed. I've never had many friends and the ones I did have, I couldn't reciprocate communications with. People said I was shy. I have always been smart and did well in classes but by the time I was 14, I was avoiding going to school. I couldn't take the isolation that I felt there even though I was more physically alone at home. From so much non-attendance and showing severe signs of major depression, I ended up in hospitals and court ordered programs. It was terrifying at times because if school was hard, being around people who were locked away for being violent and deranged was ever scarier. I finally got my GED when I was 17 and didn't have schooling any more but I never went to college because of my mental illnesses. I had lived with my dad since I was about 15, except for when I was locked up and that continued. From getting my GED to age 20 I just stayed home unless I was driving to my mother's house in town so I wasn't having any kind of social life. I committed a felony just a month shy of turning 21 because of how low of a place I was mentally at the time. I ended up being in prison for about 3 months and it was probably the hardest thing I ever went through and I was very ashamed of the crime. I got out and started attending a mental health clinic where I was diagnosed as probably having Aspergers. I stayed at my dad's through my 20s doing almost nothing but being on my computer and continuing the mental health clinic for therapy and meds. My dad and step-mom decided to have me leave for a group home when I was 30 because I had no life skills but I stayed there only a week because I had crippling back pain from a herniated disc which was uncared for over some years. I got my mom to let me live at her place and I was able to get surgery on my back. Now I have lived with her three years and I feel like my life will never go anywhere and I'll always be alone. All this time it's felt like asperger's nor the schizoaffective disorder I'm currently diagnosed with could be what I have because I've always been quiet,untalkative, and having a lack of spontaneity or variety of thoughts to such a level that I can't think enough of things for saying to people on the fly. Now I have some medical issues too but they are the least of my worries.I hope reading this wasn't too long but I felt I had to get my story out and know if anyone is in a similiar position.

hiya Seth welcome to the club I dread my own eventual back surgery. I understand that recovering from back surgery is a world of hurt. care to tell me more about your own experience with back surgery?

The worst part of it was waking up to be honest. I was scared out of my mind from all the confusion brought on by the anesthesia. I actually didn't know where I was or who everyone was but the back pain was gone right away. They can now do the surgery with such a small opening that the scar will only be a couple inches long most likely. I hope everything goes well.

thank you Seth my doc showed me my MRI, my whole lumbar section is shot down to the SI joint, with a spondylolisthesis [forward slipped L5 vertebrae] and stenosis/pinched nerves up and down. he told me I needed open back arthroplasty of my lumbar and SI region with fusion of at least one vertebrae, that I would be flattened/in a cast for 6 months. I am trying to put that off as long as possible. glad your experience was nice and mild

Hi Seth. I can see you joined a long time ago but didn't post before . Whether you have autism or not, I think you'll find some people who are in a similar situation on WP and WP will give you a sense of belonging. That's what happened to me. I have been an outcast throughout my life. It's a relief to find a group of people that I can relate to here on WP.

Also your situation can change if the right therapy for your condition (whatever it turns out to be) is taken. You may be able to find a suitable job through an autism organization. I believe that you probably first need to identify the condition you have. In the meantime you might find some useful information on WP.

Hey Seth,

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. I have two questions for you:

1. What are you interested in? Do you like math, science, computers?

2. What do you do when you are on the computer?