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Being Friends with Someone with Aspergers

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IncredibleFrog
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14 Aug 2014, 1:29 am

Stannis wrote:
IncredibleFrog wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
Aspies tend not to be the greatest "initiators."

I guess it stems from Aspies really liking solitude, time with themselves.

They might have difficulties with the "give and take" involved in making plans--it might not come naturally to them, and they might feel embarrassed and ashamed about their "difficulties" in this area.

I don't think it's any reflection on you. As long as you have fun with them, and they contribute to the good time, I don't think it really matters who does the initiating.

Of course, obviously, I would be flattered if somebody would want to get together with me. I could understand your irritation at the "one-sidedness" of the whole thing.


I think the reason it bothers me is because I have really low self esteem. I have trouble believing anyone enjoys my company. I have this fear that they are only putting up with me out of pity. And of course, I don't want them to feel forced to spend time with me. But then I feel bad, because I wonder if they really would like to do something and don't know how to ask.


I would be surprised if most people did not entertain such notions about their friends at one time or another.


Really? I thought it was only me. I wish I could read people's minds sometimes... That would make relationships SO much easier (at least on my side). Then again that would probably have it's own difficulties.



Suncatcher
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14 Aug 2014, 1:56 am

IncredibleFrog wrote:
Suncatcher wrote:
By the way, by friends i dont mean they really are my friends, just people who i know.

The one with pddnos is the only one who i currently consider as a friend because we always go to theme parks and stuff like that together. She appears to understand me aswell


Isn't that what a friend is? I certainly wouldn't keep going out to theme parks and stuff with someone I didn't consider a friend.


Ye, i was talking about people in my whatsapp



tarantella64
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14 Aug 2014, 2:35 am

BirdInFlight wrote:
I agree with kraftiekortie, it can be an aspie thing to be not very good at/ kind of forget to initiate, and that failing may arise from just getting caught up in one's own solitary pursuits. This kind of lack of knowing how to take turns at social initializing is something I know I've been awful about, all my life. I may like the person and genuinely enjoy time with them -- I just kind of forget to suggest the next meet-up and such. I'm so into my own time and my own stuff that it's easy to never think about how long it's been since I last saw a friend.

It's very hard for me to remember the "give and take" in a friendship, regarding making plans, just as kraftie says. Try not to take it personally when your spectrum friends do the same thing. Since one of them made it clear he welcomed you "bugging" him, I think that's a good sign indeed. I can only say that for me it's almost about "forgetting" how long I haven't contacted someone and made plans with them.

.


There's a lot of aspects of AS that I think people just need to be understanding about, but this one, not so much. Through the magic of calendars, you can remember to call and meet up with your friends, and not leave them pressing the "stimulate friendship" button all the time. It sucks to be the one who's always asking, and to all appearances yeah, it does look like your "friend" just isn't much interested in maintaining a friendship with you -- so why put in any more effort?

Unless people show some active interest in hanging out with me, I eventually stop calling or having anything to do with them. If I walk away from a situation like that, and a couple of years later the person wants to get in touch...I really can't imagine being amenable to that, not unless it was accompanied by profuse apologies and actual change.

If you want to keep your friends, just set your calendar to remind you to be visible on the radar a few times a month, and to make plans and actually get together at least once a month.



IncredibleFrog
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14 Aug 2014, 2:47 am

tarantella64 wrote:
BirdInFlight wrote:
I agree with kraftiekortie, it can be an aspie thing to be not very good at/ kind of forget to initiate, and that failing may arise from just getting caught up in one's own solitary pursuits. This kind of lack of knowing how to take turns at social initializing is something I know I've been awful about, all my life. I may like the person and genuinely enjoy time with them -- I just kind of forget to suggest the next meet-up and such. I'm so into my own time and my own stuff that it's easy to never think about how long it's been since I last saw a friend.

It's very hard for me to remember the "give and take" in a friendship, regarding making plans, just as kraftie says. Try not to take it personally when your spectrum friends do the same thing. Since one of them made it clear he welcomed you "bugging" him, I think that's a good sign indeed. I can only say that for me it's almost about "forgetting" how long I haven't contacted someone and made plans with them.

.


There's a lot of aspects of AS that I think people just need to be understanding about, but this one, not so much. Through the magic of calendars, you can remember to call and meet up with your friends, and not leave them pressing the "stimulate friendship" button all the time. It sucks to be the one who's always asking, and to all appearances yeah, it does look like your "friend" just isn't much interested in maintaining a friendship with you -- so why put in any more effort?

Unless people show some active interest in hanging out with me, I eventually stop calling or having anything to do with them. If I walk away from a situation like that, and a couple of years later the person wants to get in touch...I really can't imagine being amenable to that, not unless it was accompanied by profuse apologies and actual change.

If you want to keep your friends, just set your calendar to remind you to be visible on the radar a few times a month, and to make plans and actually get together at least once a month.


I suspect he also has social anxiety too, and he's incredibly shy. He also gets really bummed if I don't talk to him for awhile (and as far as I'm aware of, he doesn't have any other "friends"). I would kind of feel like a jerk if I stopped talking to him... And the girl I can kind of forgive, because she has a lot going on with her life right now.



IncredibleFrog
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14 Aug 2014, 2:49 am

Suncatcher wrote:
IncredibleFrog wrote:
Suncatcher wrote:
By the way, by friends i dont mean they really are my friends, just people who i know.

The one with pddnos is the only one who i currently consider as a friend because we always go to theme parks and stuff like that together. She appears to understand me aswell


Isn't that what a friend is? I certainly wouldn't keep going out to theme parks and stuff with someone I didn't consider a friend.


Ye, i was talking about people in my whatsapp


Oh, well... At any rate, online friends can sometimes become real life friends. And I like have both kinds of friends. They are good for different things. ^^



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14 Aug 2014, 5:54 am

EmeraldGreen wrote:
Who_Am_I, I have tried this tact with the friend in question, and unfortunately they had no point of reference for understanding this offer other than taking it as an insult that I didn't feel like reciprocating.....


Who_Am_I, I misunderstood your suggestion in a really weird way. What I meant was I've tried explaining to my friend exactly why they shouldn't feel personally insulted by my lack of sociability, and I guess since they've heard every excuse in the book they still consider this a cop-out or form of selfishness. This week I revealed that I think I have AS and they said "You don't seem like the stereotype, but that fits!" Meaning, hopefully, they know SOMETHING about AS, which is a start. We didn't say anything more about it yet but we'll talk about some of this tonight, since the last time I spoke to them was before I had heard of AS.


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14 Aug 2014, 7:37 am

tarantella64 wrote:
BirdInFlight wrote:
I agree with kraftiekortie, it can be an aspie thing to be not very good at/ kind of forget to initiate, and that failing may arise from just getting caught up in one's own solitary pursuits. This kind of lack of knowing how to take turns at social initializing is something I know I've been awful about, all my life. I may like the person and genuinely enjoy time with them -- I just kind of forget to suggest the next meet-up and such. I'm so into my own time and my own stuff that it's easy to never think about how long it's been since I last saw a friend.

It's very hard for me to remember the "give and take" in a friendship, regarding making plans, just as kraftie says. Try not to take it personally when your spectrum friends do the same thing. Since one of them made it clear he welcomed you "bugging" him, I think that's a good sign indeed. I can only say that for me it's almost about "forgetting" how long I haven't contacted someone and made plans with them.

.


There's a lot of aspects of AS that I think people just need to be understanding about, but this one, not so much. Through the magic of calendars, you can remember to call and meet up with your friends, and not leave them pressing the "stimulate friendship" button all the time. It sucks to be the one who's always asking, and to all appearances yeah, it does look like your "friend" just isn't much interested in maintaining a friendship with you -- so why put in any more effort?

Unless people show some active interest in hanging out with me, I eventually stop calling or having anything to do with them. If I walk away from a situation like that, and a couple of years later the person wants to get in touch...I really can't imagine being amenable to that, not unless it was accompanied by profuse apologies and actual change.

If you want to keep your friends, just set your calendar to remind you to be visible on the radar a few times a month, and to make plans and actually get together at least once a month.


Wow, thanks for the judgemental admonishment, tarantella.

And the patronizing "magic of calendars" remark.

Speaking just for my own post -- because it's MY post you're quoting here, and not the OP's -- did I actually say that I ultimately NEVER intitiate or ALWAYS fail to get in touch?

I've managed to keep a couple of friends in my life for 30-plus years, therefore I must have eventually wound up doing something right once in a while.......

All I said was that this tends to be something I'm bad at. But I never said I'm so bad at it that I've lost all my friends because of it. Just that it is a default mode, but I never said I never sometimes manage to get past it...

Stow your patronizing.....

.



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14 Aug 2014, 8:53 am

IncredibleFrog wrote:
I do not have aspergers (that I am aware of), but I do have two very good friends with it. However, sometimes I feel like our friendship is a bit one sided, when it comes to contact. I think it might just be me reading into things wrong, but I wanted to get a second opinion.

Both of my friends have told me they have fun when we are together, but they never write me or ask me to do anything with them. I always have to initiate out get togethers. I was wondering if this is something common to aspergers. I know that many people with it have trouble understanding social "norms".

But sometimes I wonder if they just don't want to hang out, and if I'm disrupting them. But they both always seem really happy when we get together. I even asked one of my friends (the one that I'm closer to, who I probably spend more time with than any of my other friends, aspergers or not) if I bug him when I ask him to do stuff. And he just said, "feel free to bug me", and smiled. And when I didn't see him for a week once, he seemed practically overjoyed at seeing me, and was more outgoing than I've ever seen him before. Sometimes he will even suggest activities he thinks might be fun, but he will wait for me to invite him.

Does anyone have any opinions on whether I should keep asking my friends to do stuff, or should I wait for them to ask me? Or maybe ask less? And have you ever not known when to contact someone you were friends with? Sorry for always having such long posts. I can't seem to keep them short. :p


To your original point, Yes, it's common. Thank you for trying to understand this difference. And Yes, the fun your friends "seem" to be having when you do finally get together is probably very genuine or they wouldn't go to the trouble of hanging out with you at all! :lol:


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IncredibleFrog
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14 Aug 2014, 9:26 pm

EmeraldGreen wrote:
IncredibleFrog wrote:
I do not have aspergers (that I am aware of), but I do have two very good friends with it. However, sometimes I feel like our friendship is a bit one sided, when it comes to contact. I think it might just be me reading into things wrong, but I wanted to get a second opinion.

Both of my friends have told me they have fun when we are together, but they never write me or ask me to do anything with them. I always have to initiate out get togethers. I was wondering if this is something common to aspergers. I know that many people with it have trouble understanding social "norms".

But sometimes I wonder if they just don't want to hang out, and if I'm disrupting them. But they both always seem really happy when we get together. I even asked one of my friends (the one that I'm closer to, who I probably spend more time with than any of my other friends, aspergers or not) if I bug him when I ask him to do stuff. And he just said, "feel free to bug me", and smiled. And when I didn't see him for a week once, he seemed practically overjoyed at seeing me, and was more outgoing than I've ever seen him before. Sometimes he will even suggest activities he thinks might be fun, but he will wait for me to invite him.

Does anyone have any opinions on whether I should keep asking my friends to do stuff, or should I wait for them to ask me? Or maybe ask less? And have you ever not known when to contact someone you were friends with? Sorry for always having such long posts. I can't seem to keep them short. :p


To your original point, Yes, it's common. Thank you for trying to understand this difference. And Yes, the fun your friends "seem" to be having when you do finally get together is probably very genuine or they wouldn't go to the trouble of hanging out with you at all! :lol:


Actually, one of my friends said something to that affect before, when I asked him if it was any trouble helping me out with something, he said "If it was you wouldn't be talking to me right now". Lol



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14 Aug 2014, 10:17 pm

Speaking from my prospective and experience I do not need as much interaction with other people as much as NT's seem to. I also do not know how to keep a friendship going. When I was younger I would see other kids passing around notes to each other all the time. I could not understand why they did not just talk to each other face to face. I guess today that would be considered texting. I do not understand that either. Allot of times when I was younger I would think someone was my friend when they were not. I would guess they are not initiating because they are afraid you will not like them. Or there not sure if you actually like them. When someone seems to like me I have allot of doubt. I need someone to say " I like you " I consider you as my friend". Currently I have no friends even though I still consider a girl I went to high school with as my friend. If I seen her today I would still call her my friend even when she would probably consider me just a girl she went to high school with.


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14 Aug 2014, 10:21 pm

BirdInFlight wrote:
tarantella64 wrote:
BirdInFlight wrote:
I agree with kraftiekortie, it can be an aspie thing to be not very good at/ kind of forget to initiate, and that failing may arise from just getting caught up in one's own solitary pursuits. This kind of lack of knowing how to take turns at social initializing is something I know I've been awful about, all my life. I may like the person and genuinely enjoy time with them -- I just kind of forget to suggest the next meet-up and such. I'm so into my own time and my own stuff that it's easy to never think about how long it's been since I last saw a friend.

It's very hard for me to remember the "give and take" in a friendship, regarding making plans, just as kraftie says. Try not to take it personally when your spectrum friends do the same thing. Since one of them made it clear he welcomed you "bugging" him, I think that's a good sign indeed. I can only say that for me it's almost about "forgetting" how long I haven't contacted someone and made plans with them.

.


There's a lot of aspects of AS that I think people just need to be understanding about, but this one, not so much. Through the magic of calendars, you can remember to call and meet up with your friends, and not leave them pressing the "stimulate friendship" button all the time. It sucks to be the one who's always asking, and to all appearances yeah, it does look like your "friend" just isn't much interested in maintaining a friendship with you -- so why put in any more effort?

Unless people show some active interest in hanging out with me, I eventually stop calling or having anything to do with them. If I walk away from a situation like that, and a couple of years later the person wants to get in touch...I really can't imagine being amenable to that, not unless it was accompanied by profuse apologies and actual change.

If you want to keep your friends, just set your calendar to remind you to be visible on the radar a few times a month, and to make plans and actually get together at least once a month.


Wow, thanks for the judgemental admonishment, tarantella.

And the patronizing "magic of calendars" remark.

Speaking just for my own post -- because it's MY post you're quoting here, and not the OP's -- did I actually say that I ultimately NEVER intitiate or ALWAYS fail to get in touch?

I've managed to keep a couple of friends in my life for 30-plus years, therefore I must have eventually wound up doing something right once in a while.......

All I said was that this tends to be something I'm bad at. But I never said I'm so bad at it that I've lost all my friends because of it. Just that it is a default mode, but I never said I never sometimes manage to get past it...

Stow your patronizing.....

.


Unfortunately, it's not a question of never/always. if you only turn up on the phone or in the inbox once in a blue moon, and leave your friend doing all the rest of the initiating, that's a real problem. And I hear "oh, it's just an aspie thing, people should understand and accommodate" all the time. Which is baloney. Yeah, there are a lot of aspie things that really do need accommodation. But failing to be in regular and reasonably frequent touch with friends, forgetting them for long spans and disappearing into your own world? No, and the assistive device for this is totally uncomplicated and cheap.

If the reality is that you don't *want* to be in touch more frequently than blue-moon, that's another story. But yeah, most friends will walk away between moons, because you're not doing anything to maintain the friendship. Life goes on, people live, change, have things happen, and if you're not going to be part of it with them, then...well, people usually reserve their free time & energy for people who're really there in their lives.



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18 Oct 2015, 11:48 pm

I am someone with Asperger's, and I never initiate hanging out or anything like that, yet I love hanging out with my friends! My friends mean so much to me. I really appreciate when my friends ask me to hang out. It brings me joy to be with them. I am afraid to initiate interaction; even though, I have known my friends forever, and they love me for being me. I would guess your friends have a similar fear. Do not get offended by them not initiating hanging out. Rather, enjoy the thought of you giving them the opportunity of hanging out. They probably greatly enjoy you giving them an open opertunity to hang out; I know I do when my friends involve me.

I also want to add, you sound like a good friend. You care how they feel, and that is what a friend is suposed to do. If you were making them feel uncomfortable or awkward by asking them to hang out, they would not seem happy when they are with you.