Trying to understand NT Boyfriend

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Help please. Have established relationship of 10 months with NT boyfriend. We are both middle age.

He is: outgoing, sense of humor, ex military, very committed, super emotionally sensitive.

I am: super literal, delayed echolalic, introvert, multiple sensory sensitivities.

He likes my movie/pop culture ecolalic 'quirks'. I do not like or understand his "faith", much of his "silly", low-brow humor. I want him to learn more about AS. I want him not to tease me. We work on this. He is good, I want continue/grow relationship. Struggling with coping mechanisms. Want to understand his NT ways.

please give suggestions?

could you give more info on what the struggles are? good on you for standing up to teasing. keep letting him know you will always stand up for yourself.

Sure. He uses humor often, I watch his face, but cannot often detect the humor. He has to literally SAY "i'm kidding". This drives me nuts. Why does he need to do this?

Also, he claims to like intellectual conversation but then gets feelings hurt. He says I have facial expression/tone of voice like interrogator. I just want to discuss, especially if it is topic that I cannot understand, or that is incomprehensible to me. He gets frustrated and cuts off conversation. How can i work on this?

as far as him having to say, "i'm kidding," i don't see any easy way around it. i'd just be glad he doesn't mind saying it.

as far as your tone of voice, an easy thing to try is speaking more softly. also, ask him to point out when you are using a tone of voice he likes. then try to use that same tone more.

you could also apologize when he points out the unpleasant tone and explain that you don't mean it that way. that it's a misunderstanding. he is reacting as if you're doing it on purpose and that's not exactly fair. you might ask him to understand what you mean rather than the way he's reading it. just like the way you accept it when he explains he's kidding.

Personally I would try to reject the whole concept of 'NT', try and understand the person.


Although I also think "trying to be understood" is often misguided. How much do we really understand of ourselves? Everyone's impression of anyone is always relativist. Even how we affectionately "understand" a person may be a construct in our heads, but that is not a bad thing.


I think you just need to be more considerate of eachother's traits, limitations, etc.

CathyLynn and 0_equals_true:
I appreciate these insights!

I have never really been around anyone whose way of interfacing with the world is mainly through humor-sometimes it is SOO awkward humor, too. Lowbrow. Also trying to work around the "good-natured teasing" I hate that, have trouble taking it that way. good-natured, I mean.

I know he struggles to internalize the fact that I just don't "get" a lot of his body language and oblique references. We are working on: Him: saying EXACTLY what you mean. Me: withholding judgement until I am sure I KNOW what he means.

Have others dated outside the Spectrum much?

Excellent advice! I could take a spoonful of this.

Next time you catch him sleeping, superglue his fingers together. Just kidding.

Continue to communicate and understand one another. The process never ends, but there is success and hope down that road.

Some things we do are just mannerisms, but willingness to change to make the other more comfortable is the sign of a healthy relationship. It sometimes helps if both makes changes together which keeps it mutual and fair.

Yes, I guess I sometimes feel nervous and scared about the road....like, "Is it worth the anxiety?" But so far I have come to the conclusion that it is.

He seems so alien to me sometimes (I must to him, as well) I did not realize how insulated I had been from other people until we met.