I might kill myself

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I don't know what else to do.
Everything is falling apart. Again. And this time I'm completely alone.
I can't ask family for help because the only family members who would be willing to help me are the codependent types, and getting their BS fake help in the past is really the main reason I'm struggling so bad now.

No one even told I have a lazy eye, or if that did, they said it in a subtle, "nice" way and never helped me understand the effects a lazy eye has on vision. I discovered it myself this month while doing eye exercises for focus because I am unemployed and uninsured and I can't afford to buy new glasses (I can't order cheap glasses online because I don't know my prescription). So I learned I have a lazy eye. I'm cross eyed. I have been my whole life; I know this because I didn't realize I've been seeing double because I have never seen single.

My weak eye is almost blind now. I didn't know. My Mom was being "nice," I'm sure, by never making me aware of it. She was very neglectful and never liked me and still doesn't. I hope it's not too late and that the exercises I am doing now will save my vision.

But I think it's too late.
For that and for so many other problems that no one helped me understand and instead helped me ignore.

I want to die.

I wish my Mom had done the responsible thing and aborted me when she was pregnant; not because I'm autistic -- she couldn't have known that. She should have aborted me because she didn't want me (I'm the product of spousal rape, and so are my two younger siblings), they couldn't afford me, and my older sister needed her full attention still. I was never wanted, and I never got the support I needed, and now I'm stranded.

My "boyfriend" lives with his real girlfriend and doesn't have time for me and I think now, promises broken, he never will.

He's my only friend who I ever see in real life, and I only see him once or twice a month.

He said he was going to leave her and move in with me. I think he lied. He said that months ago.

I have no one. ;_;

EDIT: Thank you for all the support. I think I'm going to be ok. And my vision in my weak eye is already improving from patching my strong eye; I think I caught it in time.

Last edited by AmethystRose on 11 Sep 2014, 7:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Your feeling defective, when that is not true, the defective ones is whom can not see into your mind heart and nature,

Everything looks really bad for you from inside yourself right now, but please hang in there. All of these things can be addressed by and by -- not easily or instantly maybe, but they can't be worked on at all if you do something drastic. Please hang in there; you are a more worthwhile person than the parent who didn't help your eye condition or the boyfriend who lives with someone else. You are better than them and deserve better. Hugs.

I feel really sick like I'm gonna throw up ;_;

I would too, lol, so sad.....
I care not anymore, as long as I die with honer.

Hi Amethyst,

I'm sorry you're feeling this way.

You have a lot of virtues. Please don't deprive us of yourself.

Well crap. I dunno even what to say.
But I did read what you wrote does that count for anything?

Sun glasses and a white cane, that way you can thwack annoying people and pretend it's an accident.

There are more men; God made a bunch of 'em.
Women control the entire courtship process, including who and how many men approach them.
That means that you 'could' learn and practice some of the 52 female courtship behaviors and have men eating out of your hands. Just for fun of course, before you actually die.
Just by flicking your hair, or wrapping your legs, or prancing. (I'm a complete sucker for prancing apparently. I'll trot after a girl like a happy puppy on his way to be neutered. It's sickening. LOL but it is fun)

You could have a lot of fun just experimenting with it, and practicing, controlling the whole process and getting men to come up and chat with you any time or place you wished.

Being on the spectrum you likely have the attn to detail and highspeed reactions that would let you give the courtship signals ultra subtly fast.
I am well aware that most women do not realize how pretty they really are, nearly all of them thinking they're uglier by far, please don't think that you're too ugly, you're much prettier than you think -believe me! (even if a "lazy eye") Women who give out more signals have the most approaches by men even if they are much less attractive! They average about 4 times more.

I dunno, maybe it'd be really fun, while you're thinking about what to do for now anyhow, I reckon.

Besides, there's nothing like an empowered woman to take the hard edge of off life. =)

Thank you, everyone.
I just realized I haven't eaten anything today and I've been awake for almost 8 hours... Maybe I should eat. I can't seem to find anything to eat.

@1401b: That made me smile. Don't get confused when I tell you that I actually do think I'm attractive, and I get chatted up all the time (when I go out, which I usually don't). I HATE it. Courtship is exhausting. I really prefer to be in a relationship, but I find flirting with men too intimidating and flirting with women too much of not what I'm looking for (lol). I've never managed to actually get to know a guy except through text.

If you're wondering how I met my current "boyfriend," we met in the kitchen. At my sister's house, where I lived. He's someone my brother-in-law met at the local college. We mostly got to know each other by text messaging, and, yes, I've known about his real girlfriend the whole time; we've even met. She used to like me, before she realized how much HE likes me. He's not allowed to talk to me anymore... lol... :-/

I am starting to feel better.

These last couple of months have been really hard for me, and the 27 years leading up to the last couple of months were not so easy, either...

I'm so glad you're feeling better

hugs

Hi, I think there'll be Spectrum civil rights, just like there's been gay and lesbian civil rights, and ongoing activism right now for transgendered rights. It will come in bits and pieces, of course. One result might be, that it will be more common for just an average boss or hiring person to think, okay, a person on the spectrum, so sensory issues and patchy skills, we can probably work with that. And you are not obligated one iota to help out, for activism is not everyone's cup of tea. I definitely do want you to stay around so you can reap some of the benefits. :>)

On your issue of having a lazy eye and seeing double-vision . . I currently work as a cashier at MegaMart* (not its real name), and honest to gosh you might want to experiment with the store bought glasses, with the lightest of light touches. Now, your eyes are different, so you won't find anything perfect or great. But if you're in the store anyway, you might have a little fun. As long as you keep the price tag on, you should be able to walk around the store a little without being given a hard time, and maybe try skimming through a magazine or two. On the outside chance you do find something, I would suggest slightly under-powered. I hope you can eventually see an eye doctor and this might give you a good question, right?

Thank you.


Thank you, too.

I think I was in the middle of a sensory meltdown (caused by overdoing my eye exercises today and yesterday) when I posted this. My eyes are sore now, in a way I've never experienced before. I said in my OP that I realized I have a lazy eye "this month"... that's true, but it was actually yesterday that it really clicked and I finally understood what having a lazy eye looks from the inside.

I don't feel like I'm a danger to myself right now.

I'm having a rough transition into independent life... I still am not sure I can make it on my own, but I'm still trying. ♥

I'm going to sleep now to rest my exhausted eyes.

nighty night

Hi Amethyst, how are you today?
It is different being by yourself when life gets tougher, sometimes it?s simpler because you don?t have to deal with people in your immediate environment, especially those who contribute towards negativity. Do you go for walks with Toby?

Hey Amethyst. I can relate to your feelings, I've been down that road myself. It seems my life is just one giant mess sliding down that ever present spiral. My mother never took much attention towards me, she was always so preoccupied with her own problems. I know she loves me, but like your family members, she's very codependent and incapable of helping me the way I need. My eyes are complete garbage too, but I think it's because of Marfan's more than anything. I've actually saved up enough money to get a new exam and I'm going today. I'm dreading the whole ordeal though, I just know my vision has gotten even worse than before.

I'm legally blind without contacts, it's that bad. Every year it seems to get worse...

As for the whole boyfriend scenario, been down that road as well. Be careful with that situation, it's perilous. I myself couldn't handle being the second wheel to someone else. It was a very tragic circumstance that caused a lot of change in my life, but trying to skirt around her original boyfriend just to be with her was emotionally ruinous for me. I guess I was too young at the time to really handle it. To "man up". Don't kill yourself. I know life sucks but in-between all that suffering there's always some happy moment to enjoy.

If you want to talk some more, just throw me a PM. I'm in a lonely place myself these days, been trying to reach out to as many people as possible.

It's great that you're feeling better.

I can't say that independent life is easy. I've been on and off state health insurance and food stamps and things like that, but I've managed it for the better part of 2 years. I know about not being able to depend on family for help, at least not most of them, but I'm used to it now. I think eventually there will be more sophisticated and autism-specific programs in place to help us lead less difficult lives. But needless to say, we all want you to be here with us when that time comes.