So I have a depressed boyfriend...

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EnglishJess
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18 Sep 2014, 6:19 am

I seriously need a lot of help with this.

I've been with my boyfriend for a few months now. Things are seemingly fine between us, although I do worry about him a lot. He hates almost everyone, a lot of things get him in a negative mood, and I think it's because he didn't do well at college and is having difficulty finding a job he doesn't even want. I'm one of the few people he doesn't hate, and he can be fun when we're around each other, but when we talk online, sometimes we fall out and I get upset.

Usually not long after. he'll say sorry to me, but he'll still be in a sad mood and I can't do anything about it. I know making him happy should not be my responsibility, but if I don't, then what will? I'm scared he'll do something bad to himself, and I don't want him to go that low. So what can I do? I've tried giving him advice but he just gives me excuses. I've spoken to my Mum and she got the wrong idea and thinks he's pressuring me into things, but I don't want to break up with him like she says because I've planned my future with him and hope I can get a good job so then I can give him one too, and I can't leave him because he might do something bad if I do and he thinks he has nothing left to live for.

I also need him as much as he needs me. He seems to be the only friend I have that really cares about me, eveyone else doesn't really notice me that much. I can't lose him or give him up. So how can I make sure he's happy without having to be with him all the time, because I can't be with him all the time?



Toy_Soldier
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18 Sep 2014, 6:56 am

Honestly, I think you are too young to be trying to handle that sort of situation. I couldn't even suggest where to begin myself. He seems to have some real emotional problems, and perhaps something else, but it would take a mental health professional/counselor to try and sort it out. I am afraid that trying to 'protect' him could backfire as you don't want to support/enable/encourage bad behavior.

How old is he btw? But regardless of the age I think the best approach is to be supportive but not tolerate bad behavior on his part. If he turns angry, politely but firmly end the conversation. Its not good to allow someone to vent their frustrations on you, and its habit forming.

One method to do this is to lay out the options and leave the decision to him. For instance if he turns angry in a conversation, you might say something like 'I see you are in a bad mood, but I do not like being yelled at. So if you can talk nicely we can continue, but if not we will have to end the conversation and pick it up another time.'



Decorequiem
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18 Sep 2014, 7:24 am

It's hard to have patience and forethought when you're this young. I was in the same boat as the both of you, long ago. I honestly don't know what to tell you. It didn't end well. (I was the "super depressed boyfriend" in that situation.) You guys will need to talk it out often. That's the only thing I can think of. Right now he's in a really dark place. He's probably looking at everything through bitter, cynical eyes. Even though he has you, he probably thinks it's not meant to be. He thinks it's all just going to come to an end no matter what he does.

It's very difficult to get out of this mindset. Have him talk through the things that make him uneasy and try to reinforce positivity in his mind at any given opportunity. (Have you tried writing poetry to express your emotion?) That having been said, it will be a draining experience. You'll have to vent some frustration out yourself eventually, but this forum is good for that kind of stuff. Good luck.



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18 Sep 2014, 3:13 pm

Well realistically you probably cannot make him 'happy' over all...depression isn't so simple, best thing you can do is be supportive and show you care. And depending on how severe their depression is sometimes too much 'advice' can just be very overwhelming so they might not take it well or feel so hopeless they don't think they can follow(so excuses are kind of a reflection of those hopeless feelings not really the same as like making excuses about something you simply don't feel like doing more likely he feels he 'cant') it not to say you can never suggest things you think could help them feel better but you have to be gentle and patient about it....I don't know what he thinks about his depression or if he's expecting you to 'fix' him or if he knows you probably cannot do that but still enjoys time with you.

But yeah that is just my opinion based on my experiences with being severely depressed, I don't know all I said entirely applies to you or his situation but hopefully somewhat helpful.


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AmethystRose
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20 Sep 2014, 7:53 pm

Speaking as someone with chronic depression and anxiety who has (without meaning to, numerous times) made people I love feel exactly as conflicted as you feel now; speaking from the other side of the veil: Nothing ever helped me more than having people stand up and say that I have to figure these emotions out myself. No one ever helped me in a meaningful way by being afraid of how I would react.

I really respect the people who have been able to stand up for themselves with me, even when I thought that it was hurting me at the time.

If he hurts himself, no matter whether you stick around or leave, if he hurts himself, then it was not because of YOU.



Greatsharkbite
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21 Sep 2014, 8:56 am

Quote:
If he hurts himself, no matter whether you stick around or leave, if he hurts himself, then it was not because of YOU.


Exactly this. You're not responsible for someone's mental state, if you break up remain friends, don't be cold or distant (its possible if you guys have been only dating for a few months) and if you get the vibe he might hurt himself, tell his parents, friends or even call the cops.. its better than the alternative.

If he gets abusive emotionally or physically, leave him asap.