Dealing with Neurotypical Parents

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I can certainly relate to many of these posts. Even before I was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome (in January 2014, when I was 23), there was a great deal of contention between my mother and me, and I've never told how I've truly felt. I'm the only person out of my older sister, my younger brother, and me to have graduated from high school, let alone gone to college and earned a Bachelor's degree, so there's been a lot of pressure on me--partially self-imposed--to do well and not to mess up. I can't even talk to my mother about the times that I feel compelled to commit suicide. Last year when I was laid off and had trouble finding another job, I told my mom I wanted to die; when I visited her later on that day, I overheard her telling my great-uncle what I told her, and ascribing it to not taking my prescribed medicine. I felt really betrayed and alone and unwanted.

Parents don't necessarily know what's best, no matter how repeatedly you tell them what you need.

OP, it sounds like a lot of what you're dealing with is pretty typical of a dysfunctional family. I don't mean that to be dismissive, that doesn't mean that there's nothing wrong with the situation, but it sounds like if it wasn't your Asperger's, it would be something else. I had a pretty messed up family, particularly a mother who was irrational to the point of being impossible to communicate with. A few things you should consider about your situation in my opinion are:

1. You're becoming an adult, and a huge part of that is establishing a new relationship with your parents: a relationship between adults. That means for them, a huge shift in how they think about you: as a separate, free-thinking adult who is fully capable of, and has every right, to make their own decisions about how they live their life. That's a really uncomfortable thing for many (especially not very mentally healthy) parents, especially if they are stuck in a pattern of thinking of you as being incompetent, vulnerable, or in other ways non-independent. Those patterns of thinking may make them feel entitled to continue to take on an outdated parenting role, of dictating your behavior or your goals (I call it the "my-house-my-rules" mindset), because they think you need that from them. They may not understand that every young adult is vulnerable in many ways due to inexperience, and think that because of your Asperger's they're protecting you by not treating you like your age. Recognize that this is something that takes time to change, and the best way you can accelerate it is by proving them wrong, not arguing verbally.

2. An adult relationship with your parents is a two-way street: you also need to see them in a new way, and as a teenager, it's easy to only see the worst in your parents, or to only see how they're failing you as a parent and not seeing them as the fully-rounded people they are. Try to imagine they were any other random person your age. Imagine another adult who, for the next 18 years, you will spend nearly every day, often for 12 hours or more, in the company of. You will see all of their worst habits and behaviors; all of their most despicable impulses and irrational beliefs. But since you are both adults, you also see how that person treats others at their best; how they try their hardest, how they have interesting and valuable skills, the sacrifices of time and energy they make. You see the whole picture. As a child, you don't get to see the whole story of your parents' life, you just get one view of them. If you want a better relationship with your parents, you need to make an effort to start trying to see them for all that they are, not just what they are to you. In that process, you might find out that you don't like them very much. That's OK. It's sad, but as an adult, you get to choose who's in your life, and you can choose to not include your parents if you can find a way to be independent. Remember that they also have a right to live the way they want to, and their ideas might be incompatible with yours.

3. For now, if you don't want to be treated like a child, or as inferior, don't act like a child. Take responsibility for the house you live in. Take responsibility for taking care of your personal needs. Offer assistance to other family members or family friends, so they start to respect you as a capable person, and as an adult. Maybe that's helping a relative move if you're strong, or babysitting a cousin if you share an interest in games, or helping your grandparents get their shopping and cleaning done if you're well-organized. A child is someone who relies on adults; an adult is someone you can have a reciprocal relationship with, because they can be relied on. This may be really hard when you're being constantly put down, and told directly or implicitly that you don't have anything to offer, are bad at things, 'don't get it,' whatever. I really do understand wanting at that point to just be left alone, because being respected seems impossible. But a part of that is being set up for failure by waiting to be asked or told what to do: you're asked to do something you can't manage or can't do in exactly the way they want/would have done, and then are put down for your failure. By taking control of what you offer to do, and for whom, and in what ways/time frames, you can demonstrate your competency on your own terms. For example, instead of being asked to take out the trash (and potentially fighting about it), tell your mom that you'll take care of the trash from now on, and take it out as needed, when and how you want to, without further communication about it (while of course respecting the other people in the house by not letting it get smelly or overflowing). This isn't just important for your relationship with your family, it's important for your own future independence and your sense of self-worth.

4. Find a mediator. If no one in your family can help, find a family counselor. If your parents won't go to counseling with you, see a therapist yourself (if you're not already). An outside party is the best tool you have to try to detangle a mess of irrational responses and feelings and conflicts that never seem to end. Just because your family won't change doesn't mean you can't help yourself.

Hope any of this helps.