Reasons to keep going.

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Hi. First a disclaimer, while it might seem like an attention-seeking compliment fishing post, I promise this isn't. I really just needed some other people to hear my thoughts. I had to put all this down, or I might go insane. But I'm not looking for any kind of dramatic encounters.

I'm finding it harder and harder to find reasons to keep going. I think about suicide a lot (Told you how it would sound, sorry), almost every day. For a while I was self harming, my left wrist. But it's getting hotter here, and I start work soon, chances are the uniform will have short sleeves. So I forced myself to stop. It isn't easy. Really, I don't think you can really understand it, unless you've been there. It's just, there is so much going on in my head, thoughts and views, opinions and people all coming at me, then I lock the bathroom door....The blood slowly seeps out, I feel better, it's something that is mine. All mine, nobody else knows.

The funny thing is, I'm miserable constantly. I feel so tired of being alive. But I have literally no reason to be. I have a great family, we all have aspergers, we all understand it really well (Seriously, autism is our families special interest) and all the members are very supportive. I have a really good friend, who likes me (I'm pretty sure), I have pretty much everything I need. I just got accepted into the Uni I want to go to, and might even have a chance at a scholarship.

But I feel so....crushingly alone sometimes. And I hate everything. I can't stand it, and just wish I could die. So I'm sitting there, telling myself how awful my life is, but then I feel bad and guilty for hating myself and my life, which makes me feel worse. I also feel like if I were to die tomorrow, by suicide, nobody would really be that bothered. At first it would be like "OH, I had no idea! That's awful!" But after a week things would be business as usual.

I have been going to counselling too, at the ASD clinic, seeing a really good psychologist whose speciality is autism/aspergers. Admittedly I haven't mentioned the self-harm/suicidal thoughts. Probably should have I know but....

I just feel like it isn't worth it. Everything is making me so tired. Sometimes I cry all day, at nothing. I'm a total mess, over emotional and silent. Other times I'm like a sociopath. I have little feeling, I plan out the things I do methodically and coldly, other peoples emotions don't matter to me. But then some other day I obsess over what they might think....

My question, is this....Is there any advice you can give, to help find reasons why it's all worth it?

Thanks for listening to my insanity.

Hi Pietus,

I am sorry you are feeling so badly. Please hang in there.

I can tell you that the feelings do get more manageable (usually) as one gets older. You are at a tough stage in life. While things are going well, sometimes the idea of success can be a little scary because it is bringing one into the unknown.

Please do talk to your therapist. Make sure you take care of yourself physically. Do not allow yourself to sleep odd hours. Go to bed at a reasonable time (even before 11PM, if it is necessary to help regulate your mood.) Make sure you eat right - get plenty of protein so your blood sugar doesn't crash. Drink lots of water (dehydration can dampen one's mood.) Do things that are enjoyable and relaxing. Try to spend more time with the friend that likes you.

It is VERY TRUE that exhaustion can lead to a depressive mood. I felt it when I was your age, and my mom kept telling me. "you're tired." All that time, I did not believe her and thought she was not taking me seriously. Once I was out of school and actually had time to take a nap that I realized a little extra sleep helped my moods to regulate.

It is not that I *never* feel down anymore, but I don't get stuck in that for days or weeks on end, like I did when I was younger.

Even an expert in taking care of people with ASD can miss how depressed someone is when you have trouble understanding and then communicating feelings (if that's the case for you). The result is feeling crushingly alone while you watch the world go by and in that world people are seeking to understand and respond to one another while you remain crushingly alone.

Use words to tell people how depressed you are feeling. Your family and therapist and perhaps even your friend sound like they care and there's a fighting chance they would understand. You certainly are very clear in your post. Perhaps you might want to show it to your therapist?

You do not seem like you are fishing for compliments at all to me. You just seem like you are sad and have been trying REALLY hard to do what you need to and aren't getting back the recognition and support everyone needs, probably given how you describe the people in your life because of problems being understood rather than lack of love or concern. Maybe try again. It's awful to feel how you describe and go unseen and unheard and it seems like people could hear you given the message where you are a little differently. I don't know why, but many times people not seeing what they expect blocks their recognition one is really very sad, and these people know you, give them another chance to help.

I defiantly agree that you should tell your therapist. You have hired this person so it is in your best interest to give this person all the information he or she needs to help you. As a specialist he or she would be knowledgeable about the high prevalence of depression and suicidal thoughts on the spectrum and the unique causes of these feelings.

I am glad you reached out to us about these problems. I hope that these depressed feelings and other problems go away soon. Do keep in contact with us.

Yes, you feel better at the time. But it's very short term. Then you get paranoid about people finding out so it makes you feel much worse. Tip- when you feel like cutting, hide your wrist. Wrap it in sticky sports tape, including part of your hand. When people ask, say it's *to prevent* a wrist injury. You won't be lying.


It sounds like you're depressed. *Depression* is a mental illness - there is no reason to it.


This isn't true. When someone close to you suicides, you NEVER get over it - believe me, I know.


Tell them. If you can't do it verbally, showing them your post should be sufficient.


It's worth it because you matter. Suicide isn't an option. Keep telling yourself that.

Worth is something we all define for our own lives usually people just go for happiness. They explore the world, experience it, finding things to pleasure them ideally with the goal of outweighing the bad experienced in the pursuit. They establish connections with others forming support networks to help manage emotions and perpetuate the cycle of exploration and pleasure. So the simplest advice is to just pursue what makes you happy. Because you belong here and nobody can take that away from you.

Hey, I want to thank everyone for their replies. It's a little daunting posting problems on the internet, because often everyone has their own "quick fix" or is abusive and negative. I'm glad that didn't happen.

My best friend is coming up to stay with me soon, I'll talk to him about this, then after that talk to my therapist.

I'm glad my post was clear, and it seems I was able to get my message across easily (I wish all communication was via text)

Thanks.