Hello, I am NOT CRAZY!!

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Hello,

I do not know where to start, I am 38 and I just had a profound
revelation just a few days ago when I started reading about this
condition. I first heard about it from the TV show Boston Leagal.
My name is Mark and I am currently in Baghdad. I have been here for
19 months working the night shift of course.
I have been a social outcast my whole life. I was (and still am)
picked on and made fun of incessantly. I made life hell for a few
of them when I was pushed too far (I am 6'3" 250lbs).
I do not know what to talk about; my head is still reeling from
finding out that I am not insane nor is my behavior my FAULT and I
should be CURED!! I went to see a psychiatrist years ago for a full
evaluation. This woman wrote that I was narcissistic (even though I
have low self esteem), highly intelligent (funny I should write that
right after writing narcissistic), lacks empathy, and several more
pages of insights that she gained from spending a whole 4 1/2 hours
with me (and $800.00 of my parents money). I am just now getting
some money together with this job. I have NEVER been able to hold a
job, the pressures just build and build and build until I self
destruct in some way and there goes another job. I cannot relate to
people or conversations in general. Talk way too fast, always have
been told I talk like a "Yankee". People confuse and irritate me
even though I am social and really enjoy stimulating conversation.
Talk way to much, especially when nervous in social situations.
Have always had an extremely difficult time making and keeping
friends even though I am extremely loyal and will do anything for a
friend. Been taken advantage of many, many times and I never seem
to learn. Cannot read situations or people. Sometimes years later
I will remember a specific conversation out of the blue and I will
figure out some of the non verbal cues and realize that what I did
or what they intended was completely out of whack. Never, never,
never understood why. I have always worked in small places or
worked alone because could not stand crowds, but I LOVE CONCERTS
(but when I think about it, I always use alcohol in those
situations). Never have felt in love, do not even know what love
is. I just remembered what that psychiatrist said now: "Will have
trouble in relationships forever if not treated, especially with the
opposite sex." She described several conditions but never
Asperger's. I am 38, how can I have gone this long and no one ever
realized that I have this? It is so obvious to me now that I cannot
even stop typing a mile a minute. I work alone, I like to be alone,
do not even need other people to enjoy life and the universe and
everything. People make things difficult, but it is hard to get
laid without coping with the situations and conventions that polite
society have put upon us. I have never had trouble getting sex, but
never get called back even though the sex was good. I actually
found a woman who loved me, and I might have loved (or as close as I
can come) and she died in my arms. She was damaged goods too. She
drank. She died while I was in the mall buying contact lenses.
Came out to find her dead in the front seat of my car. I
have never felt the same way before or since. The family never did
tell me why she died, but I am pretty sure I know, will not share
here, just know that she is out of her pain, while I am still here.
My whole life has been one frustration followed by another. I find a
woman and obsess over her the instant I meet her or people I am
interested in hanging out with. I NEVER KNEW!! I thought everyone
ELSE was damaged and I was the normal one! Did not realize that my
personality overwhelmed people and drove them away. Have never been
able to control my voice. I listen to a tape and hear the
variations in tone and pitch and can hardly even recognize that it
is my voice. I trust too
much, been ripped off for everything, many thousands of dollars. I
am ALWAYS up front and honest and open and I should be more guarded
and held back, but I could never control myself. I have tried,
tried, tried to change my behavior and conform to society with
dismal results and horrible effects on my self esteem. My Uncle's
and my Father have the same symptoms. We are all hermits to some
degree. None of us make eye contact. My Dad never went anywhere in
his career. How could I have not known? Life is too short to feel
regret. I have seen some amazing things this past year and I
fianlly work with a group of people that see my value (they leave me
to work alone at night and know that the Waterpoint will be well
taken care of, p.s. I purify water for the soldiers on a FOB next to
SADR City in Baghdad). I have traveled the world (by myself and
happy as a lark the whole time.) Talked with people from all over
the world. Good thing to be able to have conversations where you
KNOW that you will never see them again. Found out the British are
to be avoided because they are too easily offended and looking for a
fight. Spent a month in Thailand last year. For someone with this
affliction, I know that I am extremely lucky to have the
opportunities that I now have. I am a hermit who is making money
and seeing the world. One of my Uncle's passed away. He was a
hermit too and left my family 200 hundred acres of land and a couple
of old houses. I have been able to live there with my goats and
have a grand time. Besides worrying about money, I was generally
happy without anyone else living on the land and having bonfires and
hanging out with my goats. I always had my goats and rock n roll.
Occasionally throughout my life, I have had violent outburst, never
towards people, but I break things, then I feel better. This is a
particular problem I do not like. I try to be calm, relaxed and try
to focus. Always have a hard time focusing. Working with other
people for any lenghth of time is TAXING. I feel the weight come
off of my shoulders when I can finally get alone. I am sitting in a
darkened room right now. Bright light has always bothered me. Most
of the time I like my music loud, but sometimes, for no reason
whatsoever I have to have complete silence. Reversing words,
numbers, letters, almost anything my whole life even though I read
and write very well. Never have been able to understand people who
CHOOSE to be around other people all of the time. My God, thank you
for the internet and some answers finally. now I get to convince my
friends and family that there is something wrong with me but it is
not what they think. Anyone that knows and loves me deals with my
quircks or stays away from me. Now I have an answer for why I
always interrupt (I really do try not to, I just get excited during
conversations). Maybe now I can get on with my life. I think I
want to get married but the thought is enough to scare the hell out
of me. I cannot imagine LIVING with another. I ask myself what am
I missing by not having children and then realize that I doubt I
would be a good father. Oh yeah, I have thought abpout it, I do
want love and family but in a strictly "Hey thanks for visiting,
talk to ya later, go to my own home and be alone" kind of way
(sounds weird even typing it). I guess I should finally face the
facts that this is an incurable genetic disorder and would I really
want to pass this on to a child that I could not show total devotion
too? It makes so much sense now. I always looked at my Father's
and his two brother's life and see so many correlations to my own.
Do not have anything else at this time, been typing a while, felt
good, even if ya'll are strangers, to put the feelings out there and
not feel insane. I always knew there was something, never could put
my finger on it.
Anyway, looking forward to learning more in the days and weeks and
months, do not plan on leaving here for a while, i know that I wil
never be able to get another job like this where I can work alone
and make a decent salary. Anyway Bush will be voted out in 2008 and
I am sure the new Democratic President will get us out of here.

Sincerely yours,

Thanks for reading my ramblings,

crazedchef

Welcome to WP!

Tim

Hello again,

Still new, just read the Aussie slang thread and could not make heads nor tails of it.

Anyone out there from Texas?

I miss the Hill Country something terrible and can hardly wait to get home, but I have to put in my

time here to build a nest egg and support our troops.

Last time I was in Victory, I ran into a couple of Aussie troops and had to take a picture, their

uniforms ROCK! They seem much better suited than the U.S.'s at blending into the desert and

stone here.

Anyway, it is good to finally find out why I am what I am. I AM ASPIE, HEAR ME ROAR!

Later,

crazedchef

Welcome to WP!! !! !

that is quite a story you have! I am trying to go to Iraq myself and looking at contracting jobs. What company do you work for?

Hello,

Considering the nature of this website and how if it got out there that I was on the Spectrum, it

could be used against me, so if you do not mind, I will decline to tell you what company I work for

even though it should not be too hard to figure out (just watch the news).

It is worth the effort to come over here, if you have the fortitude. It is not easy, especially with

this particular affliction. I just turned down a job making an extra $23,000 because someone

that was like everyone in school (an emotional bully) got promoted and is at the base that I would

have had to go to get the promotion. Sucks don't it, a grown man like me cannot even deal with

an A@#Hole like that. Oh, I could handle him, but it would involve getting fired and probably a

couple of broken knuckles and he is just not worth it. I have always found it quite ironic

that a person of my size could be picked on his whole life. I never understood it.

Anyway, you can find jobs just by spending a little time surfing, should not be difficult at all.

Good luck,

crazedchef

I am far too sleepy and unfocussed to wade through such a long post(kudos for typing so much in one go!) but welcome to wp, hope you experience many more revelations

Howdy

No not from Texas, anymore. Was stationed at Ft Bliss and Ft Hood. Hill country that would be central texas, right? West of LBJ's old ranch? Jonney Winter country? Dude that guy can rock There's a How Texas Are You test floatin round here someplace, might be in the non aspie talk about anything area. From Pennsyl-tuckey-in-the-mire myself, stick coutry, what you guys say is hill country is what we have to climb just to go to the outhouse

Yeah, know about the sex thing, I used to self medicate with woman. I know people going to look at that as bad and put a lot of labels on it, can't help it, it's history. Very common actaully, it's a Bipolar thing more or less, but it doesn't really care what you have, it is self medicating. The women I met didn't mind and I didn't either.

Say hi for me to my brothers and sisters over there, been on the emails for a long time screamin my fool head off. We gonna take care of them this time. No sweepin under the rug this time. They forgot my group, still are, but we see you, yes we do. Keep your head down, bro. If you catch yourself in the 1000 yard stare, time to find a new job, you take care. Oh hell, we be talkin

Welcome,glad you are finding some interest in Aspergers and that you arnt being "suckered" into the narcissism lable.That isnt uncommon mistake(google narcicissism and AS and you might find some research about it.)It might be more likely coming from a female psych or anyone unfimiliar with AS.

There isnt a "cure" but there there is some relief just from understanding AS and how it effects you.I didnt get a DX until 43 and had already decided to make changes to avoid social situations,sensory overloads and relationships with people who just wanted to change me.

It's amazing to me that you have had the courage to travel.You should give your self a patt on the back for that,very guttsy.
Hope you enjoy the web site,I have found it very interesting and some cool people here.

For me too it was a revelation when i found out about AS - the more I read posts here, the more i find out about AS the more i know i am an aspie. i too have had an extremely difficult time making and keeping friends (and those that i can still even remotely call friends are an ocean away). i haven't traveled to the same places as crazedchef, but i have lived in the USA, Mexico, Scotland, England. Perhaps us aspies tend to be more willing to travel because we feel we don't belong?
I wonder if misdiagnoses are a common experience for aspies - at least from my experience AS seems to completely baffle counsellors.

Welcome, CrazedChef!

DD

Tipical aspie on a rant, and it feels good. Not only have you found the right place, there 9475 people who feel like you do. My best ever job was working alone in a film processing lab, total darkness.

I think aspies travel well because they lack cultural attachment.

It is not that bad, not AS, just some of the world, everyone has problems with that place.

I am 60, deep south, New Orleans, and still going. I keep telling these people we are late bloomers, if you talk to the Dinos around here they adapted.

Keep pumping that stuff out, and tell us what you are good at, we are a clever bunch, but all different.

I have been thinking of the Hill Country myself. I want to try living above sea level.

You are off to a great start, welcome to the club.

I donot know why this damn post just erasewd a lLOOOONNNGG message. Damn machine almost punched its light out.

Told stories of Amsterdam, Port Aransas, Dubai, Heathrow airport, Thailand.

F%$ckit.


The greeting at the beginning was from the very firwst day I figured out what was going on.


Still trying to convince my family, have all sorts of books and Mozart and the Whale coming to me and my family.

Dammit, I liked that posting that got erased, once it is gone it is gone cannot bring it back and I am pissed!!

gotta run work to do

crazedchef

you're crazy

Notepad is your friend, lol. Took about a million lost posts, to just copy paste it real fast using a notepad short cut. Hell I still forget to do it and curse the machine for being so stupid

You sound like an aspie to me! Welcome to WP. You have many friends here.

I have punched out a few machines in my life!